For struggling to accept this horrible situation with SK

MangaMoo · 2025-09-14T10:40:24+00:00

Posting on AIBU for traffic. Long one sorry. Ok so trying to keep a long story short here but me and DP have a very complicated situation. He has DD13 and DD12 and I have DS7. We also have an “ours” DS who is 6 months old. His DD’s raised a malicious allegation about my DS7 which BM raised to SS and so we cannot risk the kids being around each other for safeguarding reasons. I need to protect my DS from further allegations and BM has made many false allegations about DP to police, SS etc and so this is a pattern and so we both want to protect the kids as much as possible. All of them. So DP stays at his parents house when he has his DD EOW and then takes them out one night each week. That was the best compromise we could do to ensure all have a relationship with DP but the kids do not mix. We were advised to do this by SS but also agree this is wisest. So many more complications but trying to keep a long story short. However, my issue that I am struggling with coming to terms with this situation and my feelings about my SD’s. Part of me wants a way we can go back to the mostly happy and very normal blended family situation that we used to have and were trying to build on. Part of me just wants to keep my kids safe. Part of me is very hurt by the nastiness from my SDs towards my DS as I heard them being very nasty and name calling when they were on the phone to my DP just after they made the allegations. Largely putting on a show for BM and their older siblings at her house I know, but still very hurtful to listen to. I do try and support my DP as they are his DDs I know and so I send small gifts for them etc from time to time, suggest nice places for him to take them etc. But then sometimes I feel guilty and disloyal to my own son for doing so. And then I remind myself they are just kids too and massively influenced by a very toxic and bitter BM who also has MH struggles so it must be a very difficult situation for them too in many ways. I don’t know what I want for this post except maybe thoughts on best ways to handle this situation and any suggestions to maybe come to terms with the mess that it is. It is not what I wanted at all but neither me nor DP would feel safe with all the kids being together even our baby as we both fully believe that due to BMs history it would only be a matter of time before he was dragged in to her circus too. Any advice appreciated. 😢

Original poster

MangaMoo · 16/09/2025 06:43

SallySuperTrooper · 15/09/2025 22:12

Agree surely its wasting police and other services time, it's malicious and vindictive.

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Absolutely but not a lot they can do as can’t be proven that it’s not because of her MH. She has a very complex diagnosis and it is very likely involved.

OP posts:

Original poster

MangaMoo · 16/09/2025 06:41

LizzyEm · 15/09/2025 21:48

Why can't you press charges against her?

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MH issues. We get sympathy from officials but also not a lot of help.

OP posts:

SallySuperTrooper · 15/09/2025 22:12

LizzyEm · 15/09/2025 21:48

Why can't you press charges against her?

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Agree surely its wasting police and other services time, it's malicious and vindictive.

LizzyEm · 15/09/2025 21:48

MangaMoo · 14/09/2025 12:11

Yes SS agreed that it is malicious. My DS got an impeccable report from school and beavers and they can see he is not the child she is trying to say he is. They advised we keep SKs separate to my DC to avoid future issues and as far as they are concerned that puts in all the safeguarding they need there. No mixing, no issues, case closed. As far as BM is concerned she has been under SS for years and they continue to give her support for her MH issues but the SK say they are happy there and BM says they are fine so there is very little they can and will do.

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Why can't you press charges against her?

DierdreDaphne · 15/09/2025 20:59

Sorry OP, I had not rtft, was so horrified by the post I quoted.
Yes can see he has really been hitting brick walls. I wish there was some useful advice I could give, but I don't think there is.

Original poster

MangaMoo · 14/09/2025 20:25

DierdreDaphne · 14/09/2025 20:11

They may be older than their step brother but "bitches" is an awful way to describe anyone, let alone children.

It sounds to me as though these girls are actually in danger from their BM, in that her MH issues appear to have deleteriously affected their lives already and may continue to do. It's really not a healthy way to grow up. If they are accustomed to being manipulated like this to do hings they may recognise as wrong, and complying to "keep mum happy" that is really bad for them.

As a parent, your dp should possibly be being a lot more proactive in sorting out this situation for his dds. They are also victims in all this (even if they knew what they were doing, they are too young to be fully responsible I think, especially having grown up as they have)

Unfortunately if your dp does this for his dds it will take time, energy and probably money from his partner, stepson and if course his new baby. Obviously that leaves you in a shitty shitty situation - but as you observe, it is where you are. I am so sorry.

Your partner must feel so horrible about this. It does sound as though it is absolutely right to keep the children apart.

I would urge you both to seek all the support you can, for everyone involved.

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Unfortunately he has already exhausted all avenues with SS, family court, children’s guardian. Her false allegations allowed her to have the kids in her sole care for so long and damaged the relationship they had with their dad they now see mum as their only constant so cling on as hard as they can. They have had a lot to deal with already in their young lives and this is just a disgusting manipulation by their mum to cause more issues with dad and widen the gap and make them more dependent on her. She is an A class manipulator but she is also because of her MH very dependent on them so a very co-dependent relationship all round and very unhealthy. We did think we may be able to be a source of stability for them but once again she has manipulated a situation to put a massive curveball in. I think this is why I can empathise with them so much. I hate what they have done to my DS and want to protect my DC and that is absolutely the priority, but I feel like they are just being dragged further and further in to the games and her own needs, but I guess that is where they want to be, even if the reasons may be wrong. They are still too young to understand the magnanimity of what their mum has done to their dad and their relationship with him ongoing for the last several years.

OP posts:

bumbaloo · 14/09/2025 20:18

Diarygirlqueen · 14/09/2025 11:47

Are you 100% certain that your son is innocent?

He’s 7 and the girl’s BM has history of making up allegations to SS and police so yeah. I think balance of probability is that the kid is innocent.

SallySuperTrooper · 14/09/2025 20:17

Completely agree @DierdreDaphne but as you can see... some posters on this thread believe the only thing that matters is keeping the dm happy and centered...They needed their father to do what he had to do to keep their mother as stable as possible
So not needing dad to keep the children safe,not prioritising their needs.. all about mum and her needs...🙄

DierdreDaphne · 14/09/2025 20:11

toomuchfaff · 14/09/2025 12:24

Absolutely - the message to your son has to be loud and clear. Those bitches be dead to me. Id never interact with them again, there is no longer a "blended" family... and if that means no relationship So be it

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They may be older than their step brother but "bitches" is an awful way to describe anyone, let alone children.

It sounds to me as though these girls are actually in danger from their BM, in that her MH issues appear to have deleteriously affected their lives already and may continue to do. It's really not a healthy way to grow up. If they are accustomed to being manipulated like this to do hings they may recognise as wrong, and complying to "keep mum happy" that is really bad for them.

As a parent, your dp should possibly be being a lot more proactive in sorting out this situation for his dds. They are also victims in all this (even if they knew what they were doing, they are too young to be fully responsible I think, especially having grown up as they have)

Unfortunately if your dp does this for his dds it will take time, energy and probably money from his partner, stepson and if course his new baby. Obviously that leaves you in a shitty shitty situation - but as you observe, it is where you are. I am so sorry.

Your partner must feel so horrible about this. It does sound as though it is absolutely right to keep the children apart.

I would urge you both to seek all the support you can, for everyone involved.

SallySuperTrooper · 14/09/2025 19:39

gamerchick · 14/09/2025 19:08

You're kinder than me. I wouldn't have them in the house at all ever again.

Same, sod this #bekind shinnangans and accepting dickish behaviour because 'aw bless, poor them'.

Original poster

MangaMoo · 14/09/2025 19:25

gamerchick · 14/09/2025 19:08

You're kinder than me. I wouldn't have them in the house at all ever again.

They’re not in my house at the moment because of the concerns and issues we have. I just wish things were different is all. Can’t make things what they are not though hey.

OP posts:

gamerchick · 14/09/2025 19:08

You're kinder than me. I wouldn't have them in the house at all ever again.

Original poster

MangaMoo · 14/09/2025 19:01

Shinyhappypeople43 · 14/09/2025 18:12

The current set up sounds like it protects both of your children, and enables your DP to keep a relationship with his DDs. It's a very sad situation.

I think you're right to still send gifts to the girls - they're living in an increidbly stressful environment, their mother does not sound as if she's at all fit to be a parent. When they get older they will hopefully fell less responsible for their mother, and will spend more time with you, your partner and children.

Quite a few PPs are advising you to leave your DP, but you have a baby with him, so it's not possible to have a full break. Your baby would likely end up spending every weekend with his Dad and half-sisters.

I think you sound mature and kind, and understable upset and angry. You are very decent not to take it out on your DPs kids.

Thank you. This means a lot

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Original poster

MangaMoo · 14/09/2025 19:00

Orrrrricantcopewithstress · 14/09/2025 17:58

Have social services not suggested the children get counselling? If their mum has had SS involved frequently I'd be surprised if ss weren't offering the girls support alongside

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They have had support but they are very loyal to their mum and lie to hide things that take place at home. They say they are ok to anyone official who asks

OP posts:

ItsNotMeEither · 14/09/2025 18:19

I do try and support my DP as they are his DDs I know and so I send small gifts for them etc from time to time, suggest nice places for him to take them etc. But then sometimes I feel guilty and disloyal to my own son for doing so. And then I remind myself they are just kids too and massively influenced by a very toxic and bitter BM who also has MH struggles so it must be a very difficult situation for them too in many ways.

The part above jumped out at me. I would continue as you are. The DDs are still children and it sounds like they have most likely been manipulated or at the very least, acting out of loyalty to their mum.

Keep supporting your DH, and keep up the small gifts. Maybe cards/letters with news from you and asking about them, passed on through your DH.

One day, really not all that far from now, they will be over 18 and will be able to hopefully see the situation for what it is. They will know that you have always been supportive. Hopefully at least your relationship with them can be salvaged then.

Shinyhappypeople43 · 14/09/2025 18:12

The current set up sounds like it protects both of your children, and enables your DP to keep a relationship with his DDs. It's a very sad situation.

I think you're right to still send gifts to the girls - they're living in an increidbly stressful environment, their mother does not sound as if she's at all fit to be a parent. When they get older they will hopefully fell less responsible for their mother, and will spend more time with you, your partner and children.

Quite a few PPs are advising you to leave your DP, but you have a baby with him, so it's not possible to have a full break. Your baby would likely end up spending every weekend with his Dad and half-sisters.

I think you sound mature and kind, and understable upset and angry. You are very decent not to take it out on your DPs kids.

SallySuperTrooper · 14/09/2025 18:05

MangaMoo · 14/09/2025 17:37

Overly simplistic and not very helpful really there

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Yep, but typical mn.....1st wife is a poor belaugured soul, who has no responsibility for her behaviour, it's all the ex dh fault, how dare he have any life without her.... but not forgetting if an ex-h had any inkling of saying his ex wife shouldn't move on.... he'd be an evil, misogynistic bustard who is controlling her life..

Orrrrricantcopewithstress · 14/09/2025 17:58

MangaMoo · 14/09/2025 12:11

Yes SS agreed that it is malicious. My DS got an impeccable report from school and beavers and they can see he is not the child she is trying to say he is. They advised we keep SKs separate to my DC to avoid future issues and as far as they are concerned that puts in all the safeguarding they need there. No mixing, no issues, case closed. As far as BM is concerned she has been under SS for years and they continue to give her support for her MH issues but the SK say they are happy there and BM says they are fine so there is very little they can and will do.

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Have social services not suggested the children get counselling? If their mum has had SS involved frequently I'd be surprised if ss weren't offering the girls support alongside

Beeloux · 14/09/2025 17:38

I would never have anything to do with them again and I would be leaving DP.

Your poor son, this will be on his record now and imagine if they made a worse false allegation in the future. They could make a false one about you too.

Im a single mum and rather be alone forever than be in a relationship with a single dad. I was seeing one for a few months and as soon as his ex wife found out, she started to stir the pot. Even told his mother she wasn’t allowed to meet me as I would replace her. 😬 Wouldn't have put it past her to have done some kind of false allegation so I was out of there as soon as I saw that nonsense.

Original poster

MangaMoo · 14/09/2025 17:37

YaWeeFurryBastard · 14/09/2025 17:12

And yet he thought “let’s add another baby to the mix” mind blowing to be honest, what a mess. Feel so sorry for the kids (all of them) in all this. It’s a tale as old as time on mumsnet, man thinks with his dick and shacks up with a new woman and has a baby so there are irreversible ties. All the kids end up suffering, very sad.

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Overly simplistic and not very helpful really there

OP posts:

GlastoNinja · 14/09/2025 17:29

CopperWhite · 14/09/2025 15:52

You’re putting a lot of blame on the children’s mother, and while it doesn’t sound like she’s perfect, you and your DP have to accept your part in the instability his daughters are experiencing.

They didn’t need a step parent, or a step sibling or a half sibling. They needed their father to do what he had to do to keep their mother as stable as possible, but he chose to make a new family instead. It’s just as likely that these girls will grow up and wonder why their Dad did something that he could have predicted would make their mother’s mental health deteriorate, and knowing that would make their childhood even harder.

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I totally disagree.

For many kids who are experiencing instability in one of their parent’s homes, having the stability of a blended family can be the saving grace.

Sometimes that blended family experiences their own challenges and often this is because of the overspill of stuff from the chaotic parent.

I work in young people’s mental health and a lot of them tell me how their blended family gave them what they never had in the other household.

summitfever · 14/09/2025 17:21

My ex completely brainwashed and alienated my 12 yo from me, we were thick as thieves at the time, his skill to divide and conquer was scary. I had help from the police to get her back and thankfully the damage seems to have been mostly undone, nearly two years later. Don’t assume they’re old enough to know better, these people are highly manipulative and dangerous and young teen minds will feed into the drama. I feel for them being stuck with her, she will likely ruin their heads

YaWeeFurryBastard · 14/09/2025 17:12

MangaMoo · 14/09/2025 17:00

Father wasn’t allowed to do more!! He tried and wishes he could have done. Mother made numerous false allegations to police and SS causing lengthy investigation and meaning father was only allowed supervised visits for 18 months whilst investigations took place. Then after this time, so much damage had been done to his relationship with his DD’s when they went to family court they told the guardian they wanted to stay with mum. She played her ace card with the false allegations and marginalized him. Job done.

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And yet he thought “let’s add another baby to the mix” mind blowing to be honest, what a mess. Feel so sorry for the kids (all of them) in all this. It’s a tale as old as time on mumsnet, man thinks with his dick and shacks up with a new woman and has a baby so there are irreversible ties. All the kids end up suffering, very sad.

Original poster

MangaMoo · 14/09/2025 17:00

CopperWhite · 14/09/2025 16:24

The OP has no control over the ex. She had control over her role in the current situation, as did her DH.

When the mother isn’t doing a good job, especially because of mental illness, the father needs to step up more, not be worrying about a new family instead.

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Father wasn’t allowed to do more!! He tried and wishes he could have done. Mother made numerous false allegations to police and SS causing lengthy investigation and meaning father was only allowed supervised visits for 18 months whilst investigations took place. Then after this time, so much damage had been done to his relationship with his DD’s when they went to family court they told the guardian they wanted to stay with mum. She played her ace card with the false allegations and marginalized him. Job done.

OP posts:

Azaleahead · 14/09/2025 17:00

Yeah, focus on your children and be glad the SDs are out of the picture for you. You’re a saint to be concerned about them, and they clearly do have troubled lives, but that isn’t your issue to deal with.

And I don’t agree that your DP has done anything wrong. Sounds like he has done everything he can to protect them and wasn’t allowed. And now he is keeping up contact despite these dreadful lies - rightly, but there are some who wouldn’t.

I hope it all works out for you all.