Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don't feel good about moving my Partner's children into my house

143 replies

P4r3nt · 14/09/2025 11:23

Background: I have had a child with my partner. She has 2 children from a previous relationship (13 and 8, father not in their lives).

I moved into her council home andI I've tried my best to made the home a nice environment to live in (as it was cluttered, full of mold etc.). I redecorated all the rooms In the house, bought new furniture, tvs , white goods ..etc. Ive tried my best with her two, actually put a lot of effort in (I wont go on). We were getting on well, her two children are very unruly and ive found it hard to discipline because they're not my own. They have since destroyed their room, which I put effort into decorating. Destroyed their beds and furniture. Ruined the paint work. Broken the TVs. Smashed storage containers etc... You get the Idea. So I confronted my partner saying why didnt she put more effort in to maintain the kids rooms and look after it (i work full time, she doesnt). And she would respond with that its not her job.

To cut a long story short. Before meeting my partner I had quite a bit in savings. And my idea was to buy a nice property, in a nice neighbourhood. To give her and her children a nice environment to live. As they currently live in a small, terraced property in a very crime ridden area.

I've since bought a lovely property in a lovely neighbourhood. And thought I would be looking forward to it. I complete next week.

But I'm afraid that my partner will just allow her children to ruin my property that ive worked hard to purchase, if that makes sense. And I know it is jointly my responsibility to ensure that the house that I bought doesn't get ruined. But I work long hours and unfortunately worry that when I'm not there it will get ruined. As my partner thinks that it is not her job to maintain a property.

AIBU to feel uneasy about this? I asked my partner if what happened in the current house will happen in the home ive bought. And she said no it won't. But if she and her children had no respect for their current home, why would it be any different in the house ive bought?

Has anyone any advice of this kind of thing? I struggle to discipline her two children, I dont feel like shouting at them because they're not my own children. But at the same time they need it because they're very misbehaved.

OP posts:
smallpinecone · 14/09/2025 12:25

P4r3nt · 14/09/2025 12:23

I suspect that is the reason especially with the eldest child. He resents his mother i think about her not being with his father. But he doesn't realise his mother had to escape that relationship. Thats why I have a lot of respect with her as a mother. Because of escaping abuse.

Its just the lack of respect for the home i dont understand and I can't live like that.

Show quote history

If you can’t live like that - you don't have to. You don’t have to try. It’s unfair on everyone, including you.

Original poster
P4r3nt · 14/09/2025 12:25

cantpullthetrigger · 14/09/2025 12:23

Does this lack of care reflect in other aspects of her parenting?

No she looks after the children well. They're always very well fed, clean, well clothed.

OP posts:
Original poster
P4r3nt · 14/09/2025 12:23

Bulldogautumn · 14/09/2025 12:16

But it's n normal for children to break the amount of things you are saying they have broken...
Why when given a .lovely bedroom did they ruin it .
Are they very damaged by the split with their dad

I suspect that is the reason especially with the eldest child. He resents his mother i think about her not being with his father. But he doesn't realise his mother had to escape that relationship. Thats why I have a lot of respect with her as a mother. Because of escaping abuse.

Its just the lack of respect for the home i dont understand and I can't live like that.

OP posts:
Mulledjuice · 14/09/2025 12:23

Stop putting your energy into wondering how her older kids ended up like this. Focus on 50:50 residence for your son.

cantpullthetrigger · 14/09/2025 12:23

Does this lack of care reflect in other aspects of her parenting?

smallpinecone · 14/09/2025 12:22

P4r3nt · 14/09/2025 12:11

Yes I'm well aware of that, and I feel the weight of the fact I will cause trauma in my son. Who doesn't deserve that. I wish I would turnback the time and have more self awareness.

But at this point in time, I have to deal with whats in front of me.

Do I split up have 50%custody. My son has trauma. He has a nice area/home to live in half the time. But then has to live in a rubbish crime ridden area the other half.

Do I stay together. Be resentful towards my partner and children. Cause trauma in my son because of arguments over the house/situation. And split anyway causing further trauma...

That is my dilemma

Show quote history

Split up, share custody, have the most amicable co-parenting relationship possible and provide the nice home for your son.

You shouldn’t have to see the home you’ve worked hard for destroyed. It probably won’t end well if you tried to tolerate it, so best to decide now.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/09/2025 12:20

I feel like her children are a reflection of her own lack of respect for her home.

Yet you saddled your child with her as his mother 🤦‍♀️

What do you mean your son “has trauma”?

Whyherewego · 14/09/2025 12:20

P4r3nt · 14/09/2025 12:11

Yes I'm well aware of that, and I feel the weight of the fact I will cause trauma in my son. Who doesn't deserve that. I wish I would turnback the time and have more self awareness.

But at this point in time, I have to deal with whats in front of me.

Do I split up have 50%custody. My son has trauma. He has a nice area/home to live in half the time. But then has to live in a rubbish crime ridden area the other half.

Do I stay together. Be resentful towards my partner and children. Cause trauma in my son because of arguments over the house/situation. And split anyway causing further trauma...

That is my dilemma

Show quote history

You're probably going to split up anyway. Your son will probably be fine for the next few years, it's not like the crime is likely to affect him directly ie muggings etc
I'd concentrate on an amicable split and securing a 50 50 custody arrangement. Find ways to care for your son whilst you are at work, I cant recall what age you said he was. But he can go to nursery or do wrap around care at school or something. Then you offer a stable home 50pc pf the time and, if things dont work out longer term with the ex and she cannot care for him, you have a viable alternative.

It's probably the only option for you

viques · 14/09/2025 12:20

So where were you living before you muscled in on her house and then fortunately found enough money to buy a property of your own in a nice area?

Sounds as though you saw a chance to live free with ‘benefits’ ( after spending out a bit for a couple of tins of paint and some cheap furniture) but that hasn’t worked out to your satisfaction, you aren’t being treated like the god you think you are, the property is in her name so she has that important control , so you have changed tactics to give yourself the upper hand.

My advice to your partner is to stay where she is in her own secure tenancy, because if she leaves that to live in YOUR house, she will be living by YOUR rules and her opinion will count for nothing.

toomuchfaff · 14/09/2025 12:20

P4r3nt · 14/09/2025 12:15

Im not sure why she has no pride about her surroundings. I keep kidding myself to think maybe it would be different in a nicer home/area.

I feel like her children are a reflection of her own lack of respect for her home.

Show quote history

Answered your own dilemma.

Dont move this woman with a lack of respect and feral kids into your new home. Get 70-100% custody of your child and move on. Pat for childcare when youre working and leave the feral behind.

Bulldogautumn · 14/09/2025 12:16

But it's n normal for children to break the amount of things you are saying they have broken...
Why when given a .lovely bedroom did they ruin it .
Are they very damaged by the split with their dad

Dippythedino · 14/09/2025 12:16

Go for 50% or 100% custody processed via the courts.

Re your next relationship, sort your contraception out regardless of whether your partner is on the pill or not. If you don't want another child with a feckless parent then you need to be choosier about who you date & sleep with. You need to vet people as suitable life partners before you sleep with them, not after the baby arrives.

Original poster
P4r3nt · 14/09/2025 12:15

Bulldogautumn · 14/09/2025 12:11

Totally understand,I'd be exactly the same about a child of mine .
Have you sat down with the her and the kids and put boundaries in place behaviour wise .
Why isn't their mum making them behave,why did she let them trash the place ..
Can she not manage them ? Or can't be bothered to ?

Show quote history

Im not sure why she has no pride about her surroundings. I keep kidding myself to think maybe it would be different in a nicer home/area.

I feel like her children are a reflection of her own lack of respect for her home.

OP posts:
Bulldogautumn · 14/09/2025 12:14

P4r3nt · 14/09/2025 12:11

Yes I'm well aware of that, and I feel the weight of the fact I will cause trauma in my son. Who doesn't deserve that. I wish I would turnback the time and have more self awareness.

But at this point in time, I have to deal with whats in front of me.

Do I split up have 50%custody. My son has trauma. He has a nice area/home to live in half the time. But then has to live in a rubbish crime ridden area the other half.

Do I stay together. Be resentful towards my partner and children. Cause trauma in my son because of arguments over the house/situation. And split anyway causing further trauma...

That is my dilemma

Show quote history

I think , personally
You need to split up and get yourself to court for 50/50 asap.
Then pay for childcare when your at work
Much as it's not what I would want for my kids
I suspect your son will need some space from the other children and will be glad of a violence free home to escape to

Original poster
P4r3nt · 14/09/2025 12:13

jeaux90 · 14/09/2025 12:12

I wouldn’t move them in. I’d talk to your partner and ask your partner to get the DC behaving in the right way before that even happens. In the meantime get custody agreed through a CAO.

We waited 5 years before blending our family. Our teens were not ready so we lived separately.

This could be a good solution possibly. The only thing on my mind is my son would have to live in this crappy area.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 14/09/2025 12:12

I wouldn’t move them in. I’d talk to your partner and ask your partner to get the DC behaving in the right way before that even happens. In the meantime get custody agreed through a CAO.

We waited 5 years before blending our family. Our teens were not ready so we lived separately.

Bulldogautumn · 14/09/2025 12:11

P4r3nt · 14/09/2025 11:51

Yes this is my main worry. If we split i will only have my son when im off (3 days a week on average). Then he has to live in that area without me being there to protect him. I'll worry every night

Show quote history

Totally understand,I'd be exactly the same about a child of mine .
Have you sat down with the her and the kids and put boundaries in place behaviour wise .
Why isn't their mum making them behave,why did she let them trash the place ..
Can she not manage them ? Or can't be bothered to ?

Original poster
P4r3nt · 14/09/2025 12:11

smallpinecone · 14/09/2025 12:06

You can feel good about that if you like, but there’s an innocent child now who’s going to suffer for your decisions.

Show quote history

Yes I'm well aware of that, and I feel the weight of the fact I will cause trauma in my son. Who doesn't deserve that. I wish I would turnback the time and have more self awareness.

But at this point in time, I have to deal with whats in front of me.

Do I split up have 50%custody. My son has trauma. He has a nice area/home to live in half the time. But then has to live in a rubbish crime ridden area the other half.

Do I stay together. Be resentful towards my partner and children. Cause trauma in my son because of arguments over the house/situation. And split anyway causing further trauma...

That is my dilemma

OP posts:
Endofyear · 14/09/2025 12:11

So you disapprove of her parenting and how she keeps the house, yet you've gone on to have a child with her? That seems really foolish frankly. It's unlikely that she or the children will change, if they move into your house they will likely carry on as before. Your best bet would be to leave and apply for 50/50 custody of your child.

InfoSecInTheCity · 14/09/2025 12:09

P4r3nt · 14/09/2025 12:03

I'll be honest with you I felt sorry for her. She got abused in a lot of ways from her previous relationship. And like another poster said, I probably do have a saviour complex. Ive always been like that. I always try to help those in need.

Show quote history

Yes, you’re a saint, a martyr amongst men and the very best of the best.

it doesn’t sound like you respect her or want to live a combined life. So don’t. End the relationship, pay decent maintenance for your child or have them 50/50 and do your utmost to maintain civil relations for the sake of your child,

smallpinecone · 14/09/2025 12:08

MellowPinkDeer · 14/09/2025 12:07

You’re a cash cow being used. Do not move these people into your new home, make a lovely place for you and your son and go for 70% custody.

I agree.

MellowPinkDeer · 14/09/2025 12:07

You’re a cash cow being used. Do not move these people into your new home, make a lovely place for you and your son and go for 70% custody.

smallpinecone · 14/09/2025 12:06

P4r3nt · 14/09/2025 12:03

I'll be honest with you I felt sorry for her. She got abused in a lot of ways from her previous relationship. And like another poster said, I probably do have a saviour complex. Ive always been like that. I always try to help those in need.

Show quote history

You can feel good about that if you like, but there’s an innocent child now who’s going to suffer for your decisions.

Dippythedino · 14/09/2025 12:06

Why did you have a child with a woman who struggles to parent her existing children? Surely, that alone was the clue on how she would parent any future children with you.

Split now and co-parent separately, you will become a nightmare step parent because you'll want to protect your property. That's no way to live for either party and your gf shouldn't give up her council house to live with you. If the relationship fails then she'll be at the back of the queue for her next council house.

Original poster
P4r3nt · 14/09/2025 12:03

RightOnTheEdge · 14/09/2025 12:01

Do not move her into your house, it will be a disaster and you will be stuck with the situation because she will have nowhere to go.
Get 50/50 custody of your child and concentrate on bringing them up properly and teaching them good values.

You should have thought of all of this before you had a child with her.
You must have known what a rubbish mother she was before you decided to have a child with her.

I'll be honest with you I felt sorry for her. She got abused in a lot of ways from her previous relationship. And like another poster said, I probably do have a saviour complex. Ive always been like that. I always try to help those in need.

OP posts: