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Original poster

Puzzled how lovely DB ended up with awful wife

159 replies

howdoesthishappen · 14/09/2025 10:31

AIBU to (alongside other family members) be completely puzzled and confused as to how my DB has ended up with SIL. He is calm , kind, hard working and she is the most confrontational, antagonistic, highly strung, controlling and controversial person we’ve ever met.

He is a good judge of character with everyone else, always kept himself out of any trouble or conflict yet seems completely happy with her ? It’s like he doesn’t see or hear the things she does and says. Totally under her spell?

Many times we’ve asked him is he ok ? Is everything ok? He knows we are here for him but it’s absolutely baffling. How do these situations happen . Aside from always making sure he knows we are here for him and trying (it’s hard) to maintain contact what do you do ? It’s just a really bad gut feeling about her as well as the way she behaves.

AIBU to be concerned

OP posts:
Original poster
howdoesthishappen · 14/09/2025 10:44

GleisZwei · 14/09/2025 10:40

Maybe she finds you 'so antagonistic it's impossible'?
Maybe she thinks you're too involved in your brother's life?
Maybe she is just unpleasant?
Telling him how you don't like her isn't going to help though! You have to step back, but make it clear that you're there if he needs your support.

Show quote history

I’m not really a confrontational or antagonistic person at all I’m more of the type to avoid those type of situations so I don’t think it’s that . Although I don’t know how she perceives things. We just always feel on edge even simple things like if they come round to visit anyone and we offer a drink, there was once a huge argument she had said 1 sugar and took a mouthful and immediately acted like it was poison! Started ranting about how it was 2 sugars and demanded it was remade with her watching. She steers conversations to controversial topics and just seems to want to create an atmosphere. This has been going on for nearly 10 years, I’ve never once argued with her but it’s just puzzling me how she can be so hostile! Plus it does worry me a bit as the situation just feels off

OP posts:
Coldnightsapproachingwhereismyduvet · 14/09/2025 10:43

My ds has a dw who's cut him off from all of us. Using his phone to send texts that clearly aren't from him. As dd pointed out he's a grown up. 6 months before they married he told me he didn't even want to be with her.

Sad life but only he can change it.
Be there for your db.

GleisZwei · 14/09/2025 10:40

howdoesthishappen · 14/09/2025 10:37

You’re right - I don’t . I’ve really tried but she’s just so antagonistic it’s impossible. It’s just so confusing although I will say in her defence I’ve never once seen her act that way to him yet she will be rude / confrontational/ condescending in front of him to others

Edited
Show quote history

Maybe she finds you 'so antagonistic it's impossible'?
Maybe she thinks you're too involved in your brother's life?
Maybe she is just unpleasant?
Telling him how you don't like her isn't going to help though! You have to step back, but make it clear that you're there if he needs your support.

Original poster
howdoesthishappen · 14/09/2025 10:37

GleisZwei · 14/09/2025 10:35

Perhaps it's up to your brother to make his own choices? Clearly you don't like her, but he clearly does so.....is it possible she's giving put that energy because she's aware how little you all 'approve' of her?

Edited

You’re right - I don’t . I’ve really tried but she’s just so antagonistic it’s impossible. It’s just so confusing although I will say in her defence I’ve never once seen her act that way to him yet she will be rude / confrontational/ condescending in front of him to others

OP posts:
ILoveWhales · 14/09/2025 10:36

You don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Maybe she's that way because of what he does her.

maudelovesharold · 14/09/2025 10:36

Opposites attract!

GleisZwei · 14/09/2025 10:35

Perhaps it's up to your brother to make his own choices? Clearly you don't like her, but he clearly does so.....is it possible she's giving put that energy because she's aware how little you all 'approve' of her?

Original poster
howdoesthishappen · 14/09/2025 10:34

Minkton · 14/09/2025 10:32

Sexual attraction is a funny thing.

Yes I often think it probably is based on looks/attraction as there’s nothing else about her that I’d imagine anyone would like the second she starts !

OP posts:
Minkton · 14/09/2025 10:32

Sexual attraction is a funny thing.