Puzzled how lovely DB ended up with awful wife

She's too old though, lol. She's his age (60-odd) but just lies about being younger. She's more ruthless than silly. She's actually very shrewd.

I think he does like dominant women though. He admits that. Unfortunately he puts both me and his wife in the same category. Considering it to be a compliment. I don't think I'm anything like her?! I hope I'm not.

What are her parents like?

If she's openly a gold digger, perhaps he's a sugar daddy type. Some men like the superior feeling of indulging a silly, childlike, ridiculous person.

This is what dh family thinks of me. And they’ve told me that they can see he’s unhappy. I’ve checked in with Dh, we’ve been together about 11 years, he says he’s in love with me and his family is just a little nuts. I know they think I’m the worst thing in the world. Honestly, I’m really nice until you get on the wrong side of me, and they definitely have gotten on the wrong side of me, once that happens it’s goodbye. I have no interest in playing their games. I understand they think I’m horrible and that’s heartbreaking, but if me and dh are happy and he’s happy then that’s all that matters.
maybe try to find the good? Sometimes it’s so easy to think someone is evil.

I think it is probably that he likes something about her directness and how she is unafraid. Whereas it sounds like you and your family are very anti confrontation and not really great at standing up for yourselves. You say he doesn’t do anything when she’s rude to you all but if you don’t do anything either then he maybe thinks you don’t notice it? Or he doesn’t want to make you uncomfortable with confrontation? Or maybe he’s just too uncomfortable to say anything and doesn’t know how to discuss it.

I’d say your best bet is to try and be more direct back. If she’s rude, just say so- practice phrases you can say if you find it difficult. Like the tea thing- to just let her bully you and make her another tea with no comment is so bizarre. If she’s rude in front of the children, if nobody says anything they won’t think anything of it. You don’t have to be rude back, just say - “the way you’re talking is making me feel really uncomfortable”, “that’s inappropriate”…whatever you want.

I've a cousin who's absolutely lovely. Very easy going, kind, funny, successful, good looking for his age. He's completely besotted with his (3rd) wife who is absolutely bloody awful.

She's openly a massive gold digger, to the point he chuckles about it. She's rude, demanding, cold, exceptionally superficial but with dreadful taste. She pretends to be ten years younger than her real age?

None of my family can see what he sees in her, that's for sure.

He's happy and I guess that's all that matters. It means I can't see him very often as they're always joined at the hip. Which is a shame. But what can you do?

Hmm. I think perhaps there are two sides to this story.

What on earth is an extreme end of anyone’s personality? Sounds concerning (for the in-laws).

I never understood what my db saw in his first wife. She pretty much was the opposite of what he’d said he liked and we all found her very difficult. They did split but strangely it was her not him that did the split and he was devastated. He’s with someone much more suited now though and the first wife has also remarried (although I must admit, we siblings were quite amazed someone else was happy to marry her). I think people see their partners through a very different lens than those outside the relationship and we outsiders are just left a bit baffled.

Could she just be highly anxious and triggered by your family? The tea example resonates with me - when I'm feeling anxious I struggle to accept things not being the way I like them, and if something else about the situation is very triggering I might come across as rude. Maybe she's suffered severe trauma that your DB knows about so he has more context for her behaviour and doesn't judge her for it.

Chemistry innit?

Why, oh why?
What's the actual point of that?

What's the extreme end of your personality?

Keep out of it.

Honestly stop enfantalising him, he's an adult.

My BIL is lovely, good looking, hard working etc. His DW is emotionally and financially abusive. She is properly mean and lazy, and acts like he is lucky to be with her. She is not anyone’s idea of good looking. None of us have any idea why he puts up with it.

Low self esteem? A warped view of relationships stemming from childhood? I have no idea. It sounds like your SIL is pretty and nice to him at least, so that makes more sense.

How on earth do you deal with it? Our DD in a horrible abusive relationship and it’s agony for us.

Is she out of contact with her family? it sounds like someone I know, he is lovely, their 3 DC are lovely she is a nightmare. I suspect Borderline personality disorder with PDA in the situation I’m aware of.

Sometimes people like this are just in a permanent state of feeling under attack. Do you know much about her background, upbringing, family? If she feels threatened by your family she could be attacking before you do, so to speak. Is she from a different (wealth, status, education, culture) background to your family?
Sometimes putting in over the top effort to show you're not a threat to her, you're not judging her, you respect her family etc can have a breakthrough with this sort of behaviour.
But maybe she's just awful !

I’m sure my in laws think I’m difficult, sensitive and short tempered.

Really, I’m fed up of their constant interference in everything, their double meaning comments and their criticisms of how I chose to raise my children when babies. DH thinks the world shines out of his mum and would never accept a bad word about her so I don’t say anything to him and instead hold my own with his family.

There are two sides to every story and it’s not impossible she’s antagonistic with you guys.

A great example of shocking victim blaming here.

OP, your DB has ended up with a controlling and abusive partner for the same reason thousands of lovely women end up with abusive men. The psychology of manipulation, gaslighting and control is a very complex thing.

That seems like a very exhausting way to live.

I know my in-laws are not keen on me, so I wind them up intentionally and show them that I am uncowed. They get a distilled version of the extreme end of my personality the instant I start to sense hostility.

At home I'm a pussy-cat.

My DB is a similar type: easygoing, up for a laugh. His first wife was foul. I think some people are jealous of anyone who ever knew their partner before they did, including partner's family. Thank god he left her.