Puzzled how lovely DB ended up with awful wife

She seems very blunt, likes to debate, and quite anxious with your family (which can bring out the worst in people). She's bad at receiving presents (which people who grew up in difficult families can be). Other than the tea incident, though, you've not given a lot that's concrete? I can see that there's a mismatch between you and her, but I'm not seeing anything that makes her a bad person - just a bit spicy.

The tea thing really highlights it for me

I could well be wrong but I suspect she feels really anxious around OP and their family and that anxiety comes across as rude evt. The sugars in the tea, if she is neurodivergent that will of been because she was in a hostile environment with OP and their family, feeling out of control and anxious and the sugars in the tea is just somthing her brain could feel in control of

Could be wrong, just my take on it

OP is gonna come and say she's not hostile but she absolutely is. The SIL will be able to feel how much she dislikes her

She sounds potentially neurodivergent
I wondered about this too @Orrrrricantcopewithstress

What's with all this worry this worry that? Stop it 🤦‍♀️

You don't come across as worried at all. Despite repeatedly saying it. From what you've said she's kind to your brother and their children and despite you getting him to one side he has repeatedly told you he's fine..... you keep insinuating he's in a potentially abusive relationship without any cause? You've not said she's financially abusive, physically or emotionally abusive to your dB or their children. You've said she's calm with them all

You don't have to like her. But you need to stop this it's really weird. He's a big boy, if he's happy then stop questioning him

She sounds potentially neurodivergent and sounds like she has rigid thinking and struggles in social situations because of anxiety.... probably made worse because she'll be able to feel how you feel about her even if you don't say it

Your creating problems out of nowhere. Stop it

The Anne Boleyn phenomenon.

They just seem to laugh it off. They really don’t see themselves as anything but perfect

I have to say I agree with this - it’s the glue that usually overrides everything else unfortunately.

I also remember a man saying to me years ago that every man loves a crazy woman, usually because the sex is so hot.

Apologies if this is giving you unwelcome images of your DB!

Domestic abuse can happen to.men as well.andif that's going in ppl shouldn't just turn a blind eye to it.

And how are they tolerating that?

That was certainly the case with my grandmother’s sister in law. Very good looking woman but neurotic and controlling as hell.

Has your DB been bad mouthing ye to her behind your back, is it just his family that you have seen her behave like this to, It sounds like she is almost attacking ye on his behalf or defending / sticking up for him

We have one of these in our family - literally could have written this myself. It’s not an “in-law” issue either, this woman can’t keep a friend to save her life. Weirdly she does seek to be a good partner and mother but she’s a terrible person to everyone else, and if you confront her she lies like a rug about things she’s done. I don’t know what the answer is, but I think he’s with her because she’s nice to him and (mainly because she’s) physically attractive.

Just from another view point.
I might come off a rude to my husband’s family sometimes. But that because they treat him appallingly. It’s all dressed up with smiles, we didn’t mean it that way and oh we forgot (to invite him to yet another family get together he’s been missed off). Always too busy to come to anything he invites them to, It’s all so fake.
As years have gone by I’ve grown at lot less tolerant to their behaviour towards him and have started to put them in their place.

Similar situation with my parents. My mother (a raging narc) is so awful, I had to go NC. And due to my father's unwavering loyalty to her, I had to go NC with him, too. All their children did.

Have baffled over why my father stays with her as she treats him terribly too--in fact, for as long as I could remember, even as a young child, I felt bad for my father, and I only tolerated a relationship with my mother in adulthood to try to make my father's life easier. On his own, he is sweet and hard working, generous and warm-hearted. She is a controlling, cruel, uptight nightmare. I could go on for hours, but after years of reflection and therapy, I still don't understand. I think a lot of it is based on physical attraction, as everyone agrees, his needs (whatever they are) must be being met, right? My mother is physically attractive but the ugliest person you'll ever meet on the inside. And then, the other is that I think women like this end up with men that will tolerate it. I also think that then the men get so worn down and belittled by women like that that eventually their self-esteem erodes to nothing, they lose everything but their wife, and they are stuck keeping quiet and letting her continue on for any chance of a peaceful life. My father will also defend my mother to no end, either outwardly or, mostly, through complete denial. Denial, I have realized, is the only way he can justify staying in such a miserable marriage.

Doesn't surprise me at all the children have turned out well. In fact, it fits the profile. There will be hell to pay for them if they don't tow the line! I speak as a child of a dynamic like this.

Sadly, there is nothing you can do. He has made his choice and it is her.

Agree with this.
It’s also a trait within narcissism, to be selectively lovely to people they need to keep close.

It's funny as we age, we see things differently! It's great how you care bout your child's mental/emotional health - I wouldn't except it then - n though I find it hard to expect - would like the concern now, but fear it's tooooooo ooh late - pushed everyone away 😔

My grandmother’s beloved brother was in a marriage like this. He was steady, stoical, a high earner. He married much less educated, neurotic woman who complained about everything, was confrontational with his family, and made her sons life a misery until he left home ( I’m close to him and so have the inside track on what she was like behind closed doors). Seems on Mumsnet you cannot say that a woman in a relationship with a man could be toxic. Only when a man you are close to ( a brother or son) is in such a relationship can it become apparent that it’s not just men who can be abusive. I don’t know what the answer is OP. Probably to maintain the relationship with your DB and put up with his wife.

Perhaps it’s you that thinks that and the others just agree with you because you are confrontational 🤷‍♀️

This is all a bit weird. From her perspective you might say: My partner's family clearly don't like me and write threads about me online asking why he's with me.

For what it's worth I was once with a man whose family would have likely said their son/brother was great. Actually, what they didn't realise was behind closed doors he was terrible - he just put on an excellent public face.

For all my flaws, and I have many, he was worse.

I'm not saying that about your brother, by any means, but I'm also saying... you don't know.

Things are rarely that black n white

But surely if this woman has a go or is obnoxious, you call her out and tell her to get to fuck? If you’re all silent in the face of shit behaviour, then you’ve only yourselves to blame when said behaviour continues.

My brother has also ended up with an absolute asshole. But sil got her power from money (rich parents). Then her dad changed the will and left everything to her stepmum and half-sister & my brother got a really high paying job so she has recently become less mentally unhinged.

I think sometimes people who are very laid back to the point of being almost too much of a doormat find comfort in people who are very confrontational and direct because it means they can hide behind them to an extent.

Not to the degree you describe (I hope!), but Dh is very chill, easy going, conflict avoidant to the degree that he really struggles to make decisions and deal with any situations that involve being direct with anyone. I think it’s one of the reasons he married me. 😂 I’m very direct, tell it like it is, not afraid of a fight. I often have to handle things he’s too afraid to!

I have a family member though who is lovely but married to a quite unpleasant woman who no one likes. His friends actually confronted him on his stag do and said, you know how we all feel about her, you don’t have to go through with this if you don’t want to, we’ll help you call it all off. His response was that he understood how everyone felt about her, but he was afraid that life would be boring with someone less fiery and he didn’t want a boring life. So he was willing to put up with all the negatives knowing he’d never be bored. 🤷🏻‍♀️ To each their own, I suppose.

Not saying it’s true. But she could be ‘high strung’ because your brother is a useless lump who does fuck all but acts like the best person infront of others. We all know a man like that, it’s not out of the realm of possibility

He may have to learn the hard way like my brother did .
She was his first serious GF . She always spoke down to him - my mum challenged her once as she couldn’t just stand by .
She (SIL) snubbed my mum after that
They married and had 2 kids together . She cheated on him - bro made her choose and try to work through it .
She now has a baby with new guy .
My bro now has a lovely new GF and in a healthy relationship - he now sees how horrid she was .
As you say just keep the communication open and offer hi a sanctuary if he needs it