Puzzled how lovely DB ended up with awful wife

I wouldn't call him passive or simpy, but it's fair to say that she's the organiser and his nickname in the family is Lastminute.com. They have a big family and he still has never learned that if you want a table for six on Saturday night in a busy city centre, you'd do well to book it. He takes his library books out on the kids' cards because otherwise the late return fees would bankrupt them (he'll be fucked when the youngest turns 16).

Which is fine, he's not my husband, but every now and then she berates me for being disorganised because I haven't created a day by day schedule for a holiday I'm taking in six months' time, and I have to ask if she's ever met her bloody husband!

Sounds like she's standing her ground if op has become hostile. What does she expect.

Lol, to all the posters who have alligned themselves with op, I'm a lovely sister and my SIL is also vile, a form of collective bullying alligning themselves as good as opposed to bad.
Probably rooted in jealousy of possesions, lifstyle, time and energy.
You can't police or own a sibling's life, your protection can be seen as abuse or scapegoating, it sounds intimidating and one way or another I can imagine you not being in her life for the longrun and that could also include your nieces and nephews, so have a think before you continue down this warfare path.

These types of over protective families are usually there as flying monkeys when brothers are dehumanising and discarding their partners, they get involved.

Maybe vibes are coming from your brother giving you permission to treat his wife with disrespect, this is a brother problem who doesn't have his wife's back and is failing to support her.

Why post this, it''s vindictive wanting validation to continue treating her with contempt.

For some reason I've managed to respect and care for all my SIL's, they are not perfect but neither am I, and I also happy for the good things they have achieved together as a team.

Every single woman I've met who is like your dsis has ended up with a passive, quite, "simpy" man who can't seem to look after himself. I could never be with such a man though!

I think I understand this behaviour.

Although I wouldn't just pluck something out of things air off topic, I am the one who asks awkward questions sometimes.
I've been called confrontational quite often during my younger years because I was blunt. Brutally honest with my opinions if asked. If I didn't understand something about a situation, I would ask things that would be like calling someone out only I really wasn't calling them out. I can see now how I may have come across.

My non blood dad said I was destructive because I would go off but I was mainly defending myself, passionately.

I say inappropriate things often.
I did it today at my son's school.
I said something about it's good when you can add another finger 🫣
Before I got to finger I was flapping and laughing already. The receptionists found it amusing because I'd got embarrassed about myself and I'm apologising for my juvenility while still grinning about the naughtiness of the comment.

I really wouldn't be surprised if she is neurodiverse.

Did you have a look into the neurodivergent umbrella?

If she isn't then 🤷🏼‍♀️

My DB is in a relationship similar to this. Although she doesn’t behave outwardly badly in front of us, she is a controlling, sly, manipulative person. I believe she is a covert narcissist. She fits the profile to a T. I know for a fact that she is in the relationship for a very specific reason (money, stability and status basically). I also know that my DB is a kind, caring, easygoing guy but a bit emotionally unintelligent (sorry bro!) and that people like her pounce on people like him. They can only get away with their shit with certain people. Your DB sounds like one of those too. He might not even see her stunts?

Like your family, the children are the most outwardly polite, non-intrusive people you could meet though I believe they have had this drilled into them. It is very faux. I feel very sorry for them. They are highly controlled.

All I can say is that they have made their bed. We’ve spent hours and hours discussing it between me and my parents but at the end of the day he’s a grown man.

Furthermore, people sometimes marry characteristics they can't stand in anyone else. My sister has spent her life berating us all for not being as organised and five-year-plan as she is, and guess what kind of man she married?

Unfortunately people sometimes make strange choices we don’t understand op. My brother is in a similar situation and is incredibly loyal to someone who treats him like shit. I suppose women do it all the time. They stay with awful men who treat them badly. Maybe it’s just that we see men do the same less often?

Once you get over the fact that she is rather brutally honest, you could find her straightforward. She sounds anxious and controlling(often go together for obvious reasons) but your DB might like someone else taking over the responsibility. Plenty of people do and if it isn’t nasty, and both people are happy with it, then it is fine. I also think some people find discussing controversial topics stimulating. If people just stick to polite safe topics and get upset about the stronger stuff, I tend to get extremely bored. I like being around people who can be a bit more challenging, even if I don’t agree with them. What you find offensive, your DB may find interesting.

That sounds very possible.

I'm no psychiatrist, but I think that it's a strong possibility she has a personality disorder, or is in some way neurodivergent. That kind of consistently domineering, combative behaviour isn't normal..If you were to push it, Im pretty sure you'd find she ends up having a tantrum.

OK, so basically she's unpleasant enough to enjoy upsetting people and ruining the atmosphere. She sounds AWFUL. It might be nicer for you if he and her don't attend all family functions, honestly, and for you to catch up with your DB at times when she can't ruin Christmas etc. I'm surprised they attend. I've found that people like them often can't be arsed with their SO's family.

You have described my DH and I. He chose me because I keep him on his toes, I always push him to do better, I encourage him to stand up for himself.

He is also a bit of a twat but nobody ever sees that side to him so I am usually vilified.

Really? Because you have said Oh no absolutely not I can’t deny that I have become hostile - I wasn’t for a while but i definitely am now and yes she may very well pick up on that

Your so worried that this woman might start to abuse your brother in private that you have OPENLY started being hostile towards her

How dangerous of you. Coz if she was abusive, it would be your brother getting it in the neck when he got home

She isn't abusive but i suspect you are and I suspect your really controlling too and your annoyed you can't control your brothers life so your making up problems

Ha, sadly I'm related to quite a few people like that, in fact I seem to be bloody surrounded by them, between my own family, my in-laws, and one or two hangers-on.

Yes, if their relationship goes south, she could well be awful to DB, too. This happened to a friend of mine. She said her ex-H was often angry towards others but never to her, and when their marriage broke down, it was epic.

There's nothing you can do, though. But I have a big problem with domineering, controlling people, so I'm happy to bitch about them with you, if you want! 🤣 It's like, who made you the fucking boss? I'll submit to you when you can show me a certificate that says you're better than me and therefore qualified to boss me around. And the hilarious thing is, if we were to do the certificate thing, my academic qualifications always outstrip the puffed-up, self-important, misguided little souls, so if anyone should be doing the bossing, it's me! 🤣 Except I have no interest in bossing anyone around, I think it sounds boring. Control freaks thrive on it though.

I think you need to cut her some slack.
She sounds neurospicy to me and she'll be able to feel the off energy whenever she's around you and the others in your family.
If you look up autism traits you might find her in there and it might help the whole situation.
Have you asked your brother if she's neurodivergent?

Me three.

Gosh, there are a lot of people here who are either married to domineering, demanding people and are happy about it, or who admit to being like that themselves. Astonishing. 😲

I mean, good for them, if the partnership works, but I could never be married to such a person. I look at how romantic prospects treat others, and for me, I don't approve of others throwing their weight around and being difficult. And one day you might be on the receiving end. 🙈

Anyway, two of my immediate family members are very controlling and domineering, whereas I am ultra-independent and do not appreciate being told what to do, so controlling and difficult people are pretty much a no-go area for me!

What controversy has she brought in the past?

You mentioned that you think she's highly anxious, but it sounds like you are all talking about her behind her back and to him, which is only going to worsen that. Perhaps supporting your brother means supporting their relationship here. It can be hard to be an in law, especially when the family culture is different to what you grew up with.