To feel sad some women are forced to go back to work

It’s crazy isnt it. It’s ok to have a gap year, travel for years between jobs or take some time out for health and volunteer. But you’re not allowed to look after your own kids all day without disrespect.

It’s less usual though.

YANBU, it’s sad when a parent wants to be with their young children and can’t afford it. It’s a two-part problem: financial and cultural. Life is unaffordable for many at the moment, particularly young people. Buying a house or even just securing a job are increasingly out of reach and this probably won’t improve with the advent of AI. The second issue is that it’s almost taboo to want to stay at home with your children (in my experience).

I am a SAHM to my young daughter now and intend to be for quite a while. It wasn’t by accident, I wasn’t just lucky, I don’t have a husband that earns a lot. We planned for me to be home and made decisions so that it was possible. It involves some risk and sacrifice obviously, but I’m doing it because I believe it’s best for my child and the family as a whole. The biggest hurdle I had to jump to get to this life was the psychological block of ‘I am not a worthy person unless I earn money’.

It was a significant hurdle for me because I was seen as accomplished when I was younger and was pressured to do something important, make money, be useful. I had to be absolutely solid in my resolve to stay at home or I never would have been able to handle the social backlash. I think most women don’t want to put up with the rejection that comes with staying at home.

I have my mother (who stayed at home) telling me that my 9-month-old baby would probably love daycare because she’s so energetic and curious. A woman at a party asked what I did for work and when I told her, she giggled and called me a kept woman. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be unkind, but it felt derogatory. I haven’t heard anyone say you are doing a good job and your baby is lucky to have you apart from maybe my husband. Perhaps it’s just my little social bubble that is like this, but I don’t feel supported in my decisions at all and I suspect there are many others like me.

Many working mothers feel the same. As pp said, women can't win.

I've been called selfish, materialistic and asked why I even bothered having DC in the first place if someone else is going to raise them.

Your experience of work might be 'grinding it out until you die'. Someone else could come up with a really dismissive description of what life at home with small children is like - they could call it wiping noses and changing nappies. Rightly, you would argue that there is so much more to looking after children than that. And in the same way, I would say that there is so much more to a fulfilling career than grinding away.

There’s no need to feel that, as a woman, you can’t win, if you make a decision that works for you.

Why are some of you so affected by others’ judgements? If you make an informed decision, with your partner, about going to work or spending a few years at home while the children are young, then that’s all that matters. You will know that it’s the right decision!!

I feel on a personal level that I 'won'. I made the right decision and have never regretted it.

But in societal terms, whichever option a woman picks will be criticised.

There’s no need to feel that, as a woman, you can’t win, if you make a decision that works for you.

Why are some of you so affected by others’ judgements? If you make an informed decision, with your partner, about going to work or spending a few years at home while the children are young, then that’s all that matters. You will know that it’s the right decision!!

YANBU, it’s sad when a parent wants to be with their young children and can’t afford it. It’s a two-part problem: financial and cultural. Life is unaffordable for many at the moment, particularly young people. Buying a house or even just securing a job are increasingly out of reach and this probably won’t improve with the advent of AI. The second issue is that it’s almost taboo to want to stay at home with your children (in my experience).

I am a SAHM to my young daughter now and intend to be for quite a while. It wasn’t by accident, I wasn’t just lucky, I don’t have a husband that earns a lot. We planned for me to be home and made decisions so that it was possible. It involves some risk and sacrifice obviously, but I’m doing it because I believe it’s best for my child and the family as a whole. The biggest hurdle I had to jump to get to this life was the psychological block of ‘I am not a worthy person unless I earn money’.

It was a significant hurdle for me because I was seen as accomplished when I was younger and was pressured to do something important, make money, be useful. I had to be absolutely solid in my resolve to stay at home or I never would have been able to handle the social backlash. I think most women don’t want to put up with the rejection that comes with staying at home.

I have my mother (who stayed at home) telling me that my 9-month-old baby would probably love daycare because she’s so energetic and curious. A woman at a party asked what I did for work and when I told her, she giggled and called me a kept woman. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be unkind, but it felt derogatory. I haven’t heard anyone say you are doing a good job and your baby is lucky to have you apart from maybe my husband. Perhaps it’s just my little social bubble that is like this, but I don’t feel supported in my decisions at all and I suspect there are many others like me.

YANBU, it’s sad when a parent wants to be with their young children and can’t afford it. It’s a two-part problem: financial and cultural. Life is unaffordable for many at the moment, particularly young people. Buying a house or even just securing a job are increasingly out of reach and this probably won’t improve with the advent of AI. The second issue is that it’s almost taboo to want to stay at home with your children (in my experience).

I am a SAHM to my young daughter now and intend to be for quite a while. It wasn’t by accident, I wasn’t just lucky, I don’t have a husband that earns a lot. We planned for me to be home and made decisions so that it was possible. It involves some risk and sacrifice obviously, but I’m doing it because I believe it’s best for my child and the family as a whole. The biggest hurdle I had to jump to get to this life was the psychological block of ‘I am not a worthy person unless I earn money’.

It was a significant hurdle for me because I was seen as accomplished when I was younger and was pressured to do something important, make money, be useful. I had to be absolutely solid in my resolve to stay at home or I never would have been able to handle the social backlash. I think most women don’t want to put up with the rejection that comes with staying at home.

I have my mother (who stayed at home) telling me that my 9-month-old baby would probably love daycare because she’s so energetic and curious. A woman at a party asked what I did for work and when I told her, she giggled and called me a kept woman. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be unkind, but it felt derogatory. I haven’t heard anyone say you are doing a good job and your baby is lucky to have you apart from maybe my husband. Perhaps it’s just my little social bubble that is like this, but I don’t feel supported in my decisions at all and I suspect there are many others like me.

YANBU, it’s sad when a parent wants to be with their young children and can’t afford it. It’s a two-part problem: financial and cultural. Life is unaffordable for many at the moment, particularly young people. Buying a house or even just securing a job are increasingly out of reach and this probably won’t improve with the advent of AI. The second issue is that it’s almost taboo to want to stay at home with your children (in my experience).

I am a SAHM to my young daughter now and intend to be for quite a while. It wasn’t by accident, I wasn’t just lucky, I don’t have a husband that earns a lot. We planned for me to be home and made decisions so that it was possible. It involves some risk and sacrifice obviously, but I’m doing it because I believe it’s best for my child and the family as a whole. The biggest hurdle I had to jump to get to this life was the psychological block of ‘I am not a worthy person unless I earn money’.

It was a significant hurdle for me because I was seen as accomplished when I was younger and was pressured to do something important, make money, be useful. I had to be absolutely solid in my resolve to stay at home or I never would have been able to handle the social backlash. I think most women don’t want to put up with the rejection that comes with staying at home.

I have my mother (who stayed at home) telling me that my 9-month-old baby would probably love daycare because she’s so energetic and curious. A woman at a party asked what I did for work and when I told her, she giggled and called me a kept woman. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be unkind, but it felt derogatory. I haven’t heard anyone say you are doing a good job and your baby is lucky to have you apart from maybe my husband. Perhaps it’s just my little social bubble that is like this, but I don’t feel supported in my decisions at all and I suspect there are many others like me.

It’s just my personal impression. Men used their free time for themselves, women used it for their families.

I know that there are good men that balance family and work responsibilities well. I just think women generally demonstrate more of a commitment to their children.

Seeing what I have seen from ‘stay at home’ dads was enraging frankly. All those stereotypes of sitting home and watching tv or whatever else they thought we were doing?

Projection. Because that’s what they would do.

How will things ever change though if it is only women who get the opportunity for flexible working and the such like? It just reaffirms that childcare = woman's responsibility and that's what we have to move away from.

I think if you work fewer hours, it is reasonable to expect that you’ll not get the promotional opportunities of others working in a full-time capacity.

As for men getting these opportunities, i
will admit it comes from my own personal biases. I lived abroad in a country with a lot of trailing spouses, and I noticed a huge sex difference in how their time was spent.

Women generally plowed a lot of their time back into the family. The men? Every. Single. Time. they worked on their personal hobbies or on personal development. Their WORKING WIVES still largely dealt with the children’s schedule. Frankly it made me sick.

I can’t let go of this impression so easily.

The problem is with the phrase 'that's just reality' as though society's structures are innate and inevitable. No, things change and they change far beyond what people might have once deemed possible. Is the workplace of 2025 anything like the workplace of 1925 or 1825? No, progress transforms the world. We can transform it again, but feminism wants to see it transformed in a way that ceases to automatically disadvantage women on the basis that 'it's just the way it is'.

Men will absolutely benefit from the transformation wrought by a feminist vision of the world, so you will see men get some privileges too and I'm not sure why you hate that idea so much. I don't see why flexible work opportunities for everyone is such a problem for you. In my circles, I do see fathers working flexible and from home. My job requires a lot of travel so if my husband didn't have the flexibility to do the school runs and look after sick kids, it would make it much harder for me but as it is, I benefit from not having to factor that in while I'm away - and when I'm not travelling, I'm the flexible one. Both of us having the perks and protections makes our family life smoother, easier and more equitable.

Feminism right now absolutely does not consider women defective men. The point about the wage gap and personal choice is that women's choices are often limited by the structural discrimination that occurs and they are forced into lower paying jobs or barred from promotions. Feminism right now is arguing for part time work and flexible work to be protected, to be available and to not be a barrier to higher pay and progression

But inevitably part-time and flexible work will lead to lower pay and fewer opportunities. That’s just reality.

Feminism recognises that the opportunities and benefits afforded to white men should be equally achievable to the rest of society

What does ‘white men’ have anything to do with it? Weird you bring race into a discussion on our workplace needs. This is why I’m so so tired of ‘intersectionalism’. Please no.

There is so much feminist discourse currently about the ways in which women are stretched too thin by the unfair and unequal demands placed upon us, and the ways in which the world is set up for the benefit of men

Tbh the way this is talked about doesn’t sit well with me. I would like to see more part-time and gig work protections for mothers specifically, I don’t really want to see men get these privileges, nor have it sold as, ‘we need flexibility in the workplace for everyone’!

Maybe we do, but I see the burdens placed on working mothers and think it should be a targeted approach, I guess.

Any move towards this will lead to further wage gaps as well, could you tolerate that?

Everyone is saying "women have always worked!!" but as you correctly say, this would usually be extra money for the household supplementing a man's wage, or a subsistence income for a widow etc - I am pushing back against the idea that in the past, on a large scale, women were working long hour career-type jobs and leaving their babies elsewhere for the entire day. I'm speaking of pre-industrial revolution periods especially, and to some extent until the mid-20th century.

Do we have agreement there?

(When I talk about piecework style jobs for myself I am thinking more of independent consulting, report writing, analysis in my field etc which is an option I'm pursuing for myself especially after baby #2; I'm definitely not quitting my job to take in ironing as I cannot afford it. Any woman would attest that this kind of work is much harder to find/create than the default 5 days a week office job though. I think the next gen of feminists should start with "mothers should not be away from their babies for long periods" as a starting premise rather than confidently stating women can just "slot in" to existing male-pattern workplaces and career paths because we are just dickless men.)

This is true tbh.

My grandmothers both worked, one on the farm as well as supplementing with odd jobs, which is the more typical pattern. My other did do factory work all day, which wasn’t unusual among poor families. But it’s all less than ideal and more informed by economic circumstances. The idea you’d work for some sort of personal satisfaction would be a sick joke to them, probably.

I think overwhelmingly, mothers want flexible jobs and/or part-time jobs. Should be way more of those supported, but all I will hear about is the ‘wage gap’ as if our personal choices don’t matter.

We often say that women are not defective men. Why do we measure ourselves by their standards?

I just think a lot of feminists believe that equality will only happen if we erase the differences between the sexes. This is never going to happen and we just are making ourselves stretched thin as a point of pride.

Everyone is saying "women have always worked!!" but as you correctly say, this would usually be extra money for the household supplementing a man's wage, or a subsistence income for a widow etc - I am pushing back against the idea that in the past, on a large scale, women were working long hour career-type jobs and leaving their babies elsewhere for the entire day. I'm speaking of pre-industrial revolution periods especially, and to some extent until the mid-20th century.

Do we have agreement there?

(When I talk about piecework style jobs for myself I am thinking more of independent consulting, report writing, analysis in my field etc which is an option I'm pursuing for myself especially after baby #2; I'm definitely not quitting my job to take in ironing as I cannot afford it. Any woman would attest that this kind of work is much harder to find/create than the default 5 days a week office job though. I think the next gen of feminists should start with "mothers should not be away from their babies for long periods" as a starting premise rather than confidently stating women can just "slot in" to existing male-pattern workplaces and career paths because we are just dickless men.)

Everyone is saying "women have always worked!!" but as you correctly say, this would usually be extra money for the household supplementing a man's wage, or a subsistence income for a widow etc - I am pushing back against the idea that in the past, on a large scale, women were working long hour career-type jobs and leaving their babies elsewhere for the entire day. I'm speaking of pre-industrial revolution periods especially, and to some extent until the mid-20th century.

Do we have agreement there?

(When I talk about piecework style jobs for myself I am thinking more of independent consulting, report writing, analysis in my field etc which is an option I'm pursuing for myself especially after baby #2; I'm definitely not quitting my job to take in ironing as I cannot afford it. Any woman would attest that this kind of work is much harder to find/create than the default 5 days a week office job though. I think the next gen of feminists should start with "mothers should not be away from their babies for long periods" as a starting premise rather than confidently stating women can just "slot in" to existing male-pattern workplaces and career paths because we are just dickless men.)