Page 17 | To feel sad some women are forced to go back to work

JTT95 · 2025-09-14T09:21:56+00:00

I think it is messed up that these days a lot of women have to go back to work after maternity leave whether they like it or not. It seems like everyone is sending their babies to nursery at 1 or even earlier. I know that some women want to and are happy to go back but there are many women who are heartbroken to leave their babies so young. I wish it was like the olden days where a man’s wage was enough to suport the whole family.

ishimbob · 15/09/2025 15:35

JTT95 · 15/09/2025 15:18

Agree, I’ve spoken to a lot of women who would love the part time or a SAHM. I don’t know any men who would like the same although I have no doubt there are some. I just think it’s more common for a woman to want that.

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Many people would like not to work.

I wouldn't want to give up work but I would love a full time nanny housekeeper and a chauffeur and a gardener. I don't think it's some enormous tragedy that I can't afford everything I would want

Parker231 · 15/09/2025 15:23

JTT95 · 15/09/2025 15:18

Agree, I’ve spoken to a lot of women who would love the part time or a SAHM. I don’t know any men who would like the same although I have no doubt there are some. I just think it’s more common for a woman to want that.

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Society needs to change so that fathers have the opportunity to be more involved and responsible for their children.

IcedPurple · 15/09/2025 15:22

ifyoulikealotofchocolateonyour · 15/09/2025 15:11

I've only ever met one man who genuinely wanted to be a SAHP. I actually don't know many women who want to be SAHM forever either. But I know an absolute shed load of women who would like to be able to stay at home a bit more or stay off for a bit longer than is enabled by modern life.

It's a weird world we live in. Women spend the first 30 years of their lives living under the societal expectation to reproduce. Then as soon as you have children you're expected to return to work as quickly as possible as though nothing has happened.

And agree with the PP about part time work. I would love to work part time. Unfortunately it feels pretty impossible in my profession. So I'll end up working more than I want because I can't afford not to work at all.

It's a weird world we live in. Women spend the first 30 years of their lives living under the societal expectation to reproduce. Then as soon as you have children you're expected to return to work as quickly as possible as though nothing has happened.

I don't think you're 'expected' to do anything. You can stay off work for as long as you like, but obviously there will be consequences in terms of salary and career prospects.

And women reproduce because they want to, not because of 'societal expectations'. It's up to them to finance those choices.

Original poster

JTT95 · 15/09/2025 15:18

ifyoulikealotofchocolateonyour · 15/09/2025 15:11

I've only ever met one man who genuinely wanted to be a SAHP. I actually don't know many women who want to be SAHM forever either. But I know an absolute shed load of women who would like to be able to stay at home a bit more or stay off for a bit longer than is enabled by modern life.

It's a weird world we live in. Women spend the first 30 years of their lives living under the societal expectation to reproduce. Then as soon as you have children you're expected to return to work as quickly as possible as though nothing has happened.

And agree with the PP about part time work. I would love to work part time. Unfortunately it feels pretty impossible in my profession. So I'll end up working more than I want because I can't afford not to work at all.

Agree, I’ve spoken to a lot of women who would love the part time or a SAHM. I don’t know any men who would like the same although I have no doubt there are some. I just think it’s more common for a woman to want that.

OP posts:

ifyoulikealotofchocolateonyour · 15/09/2025 15:11

I've only ever met one man who genuinely wanted to be a SAHP. I actually don't know many women who want to be SAHM forever either. But I know an absolute shed load of women who would like to be able to stay at home a bit more or stay off for a bit longer than is enabled by modern life.

It's a weird world we live in. Women spend the first 30 years of their lives living under the societal expectation to reproduce. Then as soon as you have children you're expected to return to work as quickly as possible as though nothing has happened.

And agree with the PP about part time work. I would love to work part time. Unfortunately it feels pretty impossible in my profession. So I'll end up working more than I want because I can't afford not to work at all.

SouthLondonMum22 · 15/09/2025 14:54

Parker231 · 15/09/2025 14:48

It’s no different for men - the majority have to work and like many women would prefer to be a SAHP.

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Right.

People need money to live and in order to live, you generally need to work. Men and women.

After maternity leave, I don't understand why it's only sad that women are ''forced'' to go back to work.

Parker231 · 15/09/2025 14:48

ifyoulikealotofchocolateonyour · 15/09/2025 14:06

I think you're missing the point or perhaps taking it too personally. The point is that 99% of women don't have the choice of whether to work or not. They HAVE to work because they can't afford not to due to house/rent prices and the massive cost of everything else. This is not the same as saying that there are no benefits to work and it's also not saying that women have to stay at home if they don't want to. It's just that for a decent proportion of women (and probably some men too) they would like to be able to spend a bit more time with their children through not working or working part time but that is financially impossible. And for those women it really is heartbreaking to have to pay another woman to look after your children when you woudl rather be the one doing it.

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It’s no different for men - the majority have to work and like many women would prefer to be a SAHP.

Original poster

JTT95 · 15/09/2025 14:38

ifyoulikealotofchocolateonyour · 15/09/2025 14:06

I think you're missing the point or perhaps taking it too personally. The point is that 99% of women don't have the choice of whether to work or not. They HAVE to work because they can't afford not to due to house/rent prices and the massive cost of everything else. This is not the same as saying that there are no benefits to work and it's also not saying that women have to stay at home if they don't want to. It's just that for a decent proportion of women (and probably some men too) they would like to be able to spend a bit more time with their children through not working or working part time but that is financially impossible. And for those women it really is heartbreaking to have to pay another woman to look after your children when you woudl rather be the one doing it.

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Exactly. The other thing is, a lot of employers still reject flexible work requests. I would have been happy going back part time but it was either full time or nothing. Finding a brand new job part time is even more difficult. So more flexibility would also enable more choice for women. In Germany, parents (and possibly non parents too) have a legal right to reduce their hours.

OP posts:

LuLuLemonDrizzleCake · 15/09/2025 14:36

Floraal · 14/09/2025 10:25

I agree I think it should be an equal, valid and valued choice to have a sahp in a family if that’s what works best in an individual’s circumstances. I also think if a woman wants a career that’s just as important but it should never be a choice someone has to make which then makes them unhappy or stressed.

With so many ND children now too with delaying diagnosis and support it’s often better for the child to have a sahp rather than go to nursery. It seems to be frowned upon though when actually it shouldn’t be.

What evidence do you have that having a SAHP leads to delayed diagnosis of ND or SEND?

Bumblebee72 · 15/09/2025 14:10

I don't think you need to be sad we all make our own choices. Get a job you enjoy, or if you want to be a homemaker, marry someone wealthy enough to provide for you.

ifyoulikealotofchocolateonyour · 15/09/2025 14:06

Thepeopleversuswork · 15/09/2025 09:38

I firmly believe women should be able to make choices to suit their needs around maternity/work. There are good reasons both for working and remaining at home and ultimately each family should do what suits them best.

I guess what I bristle at is the use of the emotive language around the idea of a working mother. There's a slight tinge of condescension/pity that a woman should "have" to work, as if it is a sign that something has gone wrong. And the use of the phrase "heartbreaking" to describe the perfectly safe and routine process of using accredited childcare to enable a woman to work.

It implies that society is "failing" women which in itself implies that the natural and default state for a woman is to be at home. Some women would prefer to be at home and that's fine if they can afford it. But for women like me who work (and don't forget many of us have to work), like working and feel their children have overall benefited from them working, the slightly Victorian overlay of sadness is just irritating.

Women who remain at home quite rightly push back against some of the kneejerk comments made about SAHMs, implying that they "don't use their brains" and are "bored" etc. It's insulting and patronising.

But it works both ways. Many of us see a huge personal benefit to being able to work and think that overall it's a net benefit to society. While rightly asking us to be respectful of the choice to remain at home, please do us the favour of acknowledging that there's nothing "sad" or "heartbreaking" about working and that many of us choose it rather than having to do it.

I think you're missing the point or perhaps taking it too personally. The point is that 99% of women don't have the choice of whether to work or not. They HAVE to work because they can't afford not to due to house/rent prices and the massive cost of everything else. This is not the same as saying that there are no benefits to work and it's also not saying that women have to stay at home if they don't want to. It's just that for a decent proportion of women (and probably some men too) they would like to be able to spend a bit more time with their children through not working or working part time but that is financially impossible. And for those women it really is heartbreaking to have to pay another woman to look after your children when you woudl rather be the one doing it.

SouthLondonMum22 · 15/09/2025 13:41

Thepeopleversuswork · 15/09/2025 09:38

I firmly believe women should be able to make choices to suit their needs around maternity/work. There are good reasons both for working and remaining at home and ultimately each family should do what suits them best.

I guess what I bristle at is the use of the emotive language around the idea of a working mother. There's a slight tinge of condescension/pity that a woman should "have" to work, as if it is a sign that something has gone wrong. And the use of the phrase "heartbreaking" to describe the perfectly safe and routine process of using accredited childcare to enable a woman to work.

It implies that society is "failing" women which in itself implies that the natural and default state for a woman is to be at home. Some women would prefer to be at home and that's fine if they can afford it. But for women like me who work (and don't forget many of us have to work), like working and feel their children have overall benefited from them working, the slightly Victorian overlay of sadness is just irritating.

Women who remain at home quite rightly push back against some of the kneejerk comments made about SAHMs, implying that they "don't use their brains" and are "bored" etc. It's insulting and patronising.

But it works both ways. Many of us see a huge personal benefit to being able to work and think that overall it's a net benefit to society. While rightly asking us to be respectful of the choice to remain at home, please do us the favour of acknowledging that there's nothing "sad" or "heartbreaking" about working and that many of us choose it rather than having to do it.

Well said.

Completely agree.

Original poster

JTT95 · 15/09/2025 13:38

Thepeopleversuswork · 15/09/2025 09:38

I firmly believe women should be able to make choices to suit their needs around maternity/work. There are good reasons both for working and remaining at home and ultimately each family should do what suits them best.

I guess what I bristle at is the use of the emotive language around the idea of a working mother. There's a slight tinge of condescension/pity that a woman should "have" to work, as if it is a sign that something has gone wrong. And the use of the phrase "heartbreaking" to describe the perfectly safe and routine process of using accredited childcare to enable a woman to work.

It implies that society is "failing" women which in itself implies that the natural and default state for a woman is to be at home. Some women would prefer to be at home and that's fine if they can afford it. But for women like me who work (and don't forget many of us have to work), like working and feel their children have overall benefited from them working, the slightly Victorian overlay of sadness is just irritating.

Women who remain at home quite rightly push back against some of the kneejerk comments made about SAHMs, implying that they "don't use their brains" and are "bored" etc. It's insulting and patronising.

But it works both ways. Many of us see a huge personal benefit to being able to work and think that overall it's a net benefit to society. While rightly asking us to be respectful of the choice to remain at home, please do us the favour of acknowledging that there's nothing "sad" or "heartbreaking" about working and that many of us choose it rather than having to do it.

I can acknowledge that there is nothing sad or heartbreaking about leaving your babies in childcare for you but you need to acknowledge that for some it is heartbreaking. Surely that’s not difficult to understand.

OP posts:

Parker231 · 15/09/2025 10:54

Thepeopleversuswork · 15/09/2025 09:38

I firmly believe women should be able to make choices to suit their needs around maternity/work. There are good reasons both for working and remaining at home and ultimately each family should do what suits them best.

I guess what I bristle at is the use of the emotive language around the idea of a working mother. There's a slight tinge of condescension/pity that a woman should "have" to work, as if it is a sign that something has gone wrong. And the use of the phrase "heartbreaking" to describe the perfectly safe and routine process of using accredited childcare to enable a woman to work.

It implies that society is "failing" women which in itself implies that the natural and default state for a woman is to be at home. Some women would prefer to be at home and that's fine if they can afford it. But for women like me who work (and don't forget many of us have to work), like working and feel their children have overall benefited from them working, the slightly Victorian overlay of sadness is just irritating.

Women who remain at home quite rightly push back against some of the kneejerk comments made about SAHMs, implying that they "don't use their brains" and are "bored" etc. It's insulting and patronising.

But it works both ways. Many of us see a huge personal benefit to being able to work and think that overall it's a net benefit to society. While rightly asking us to be respectful of the choice to remain at home, please do us the favour of acknowledging that there's nothing "sad" or "heartbreaking" about working and that many of us choose it rather than having to do it.

Agree with this. I loved my working days and the opportunities it gave me (and our family). it has now meant that I was able to retire in my early 50’s to enjoy the next phase of life.

Thepeopleversuswork · 15/09/2025 09:38

I firmly believe women should be able to make choices to suit their needs around maternity/work. There are good reasons both for working and remaining at home and ultimately each family should do what suits them best.

I guess what I bristle at is the use of the emotive language around the idea of a working mother. There's a slight tinge of condescension/pity that a woman should "have" to work, as if it is a sign that something has gone wrong. And the use of the phrase "heartbreaking" to describe the perfectly safe and routine process of using accredited childcare to enable a woman to work.

It implies that society is "failing" women which in itself implies that the natural and default state for a woman is to be at home. Some women would prefer to be at home and that's fine if they can afford it. But for women like me who work (and don't forget many of us have to work), like working and feel their children have overall benefited from them working, the slightly Victorian overlay of sadness is just irritating.

Women who remain at home quite rightly push back against some of the kneejerk comments made about SAHMs, implying that they "don't use their brains" and are "bored" etc. It's insulting and patronising.

But it works both ways. Many of us see a huge personal benefit to being able to work and think that overall it's a net benefit to society. While rightly asking us to be respectful of the choice to remain at home, please do us the favour of acknowledging that there's nothing "sad" or "heartbreaking" about working and that many of us choose it rather than having to do it.

WickWood · 15/09/2025 08:37

MellowPinkDeer · 14/09/2025 22:44

If for any reason you split up though, you’d no longer have a joint account. What then? You’d have no income of your own? Is he paying into a pension for you?

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Yes, I have a 10 year NHS pension (which i know won't be much) and a private pension. I think i just see the privilege (imo, we're all different and I know some wouldn't be fulfilled being a SAHM) worth it, I haven't once panicked about what id do, maybe I'm stupid, who knows!

I do think the poster who says its bad for my babies development for me to not be working bonkers though 😅 Unless theyre so thick they think SAHM literally means we stay at home all day!

Original poster

JTT95 · 14/09/2025 23:30

I have 3 under 5 and although I’m not employed, I definitely work very hard every day 😅

OP posts:

MellowPinkDeer · 14/09/2025 22:44

WickWood · 14/09/2025 21:26

Those who talk about financial independence/dependence, do you not have joint accounts and/or equal access to all household money? I'm genuinely asking, not being arsey. We share all money, maybe thats why I've felt more comfortable being a SAHM! It was very much a joint decision for us and he appreciates everything I do and vice versa.

If for any reason you split up though, you’d no longer have a joint account. What then? You’d have no income of your own? Is he paying into a pension for you?

Katemax82 · 14/09/2025 22:32

I agree with you op. When I was pregnant with my 4th child it was a given that I would stay home with him until he is at school. With my red child working after maternity leave was an absolute disaster (try doing a minimum wage part time job with no family childcare..I ended up with £200 a month wages due to paying a childminder.) I ended up not working until he was about to start preschool and that was only on Sundays. I absolutely hated trying to work when my kids were toddlers and babies it was awful

Motheranddaughter · 14/09/2025 22:29

ifyoulikealotofchocolateonyour · 14/09/2025 21:56

I completely agree with you. It's really sad. Most women don't have any choice whether to stay at home anymore or not and there's a decent proportion who would like to be able to. Just like 50 years ago when women didn't have much choice about whether to stay at home or not...it's the same now but it's reversed.

I also think it's worse for us now as we are still expected to do everything at home and juggle a million plates but we have to work too just to be able to pay the mortgage. Half of us are burnt out and feel we aren't meeting expectations in any area of our lives. It's pretty grim. It would be lovely if one salary would allow a bit of breathing room for us to be able to stay at home for a bit longer if we wanted to.

Why on earth would the woman do everything
My DH and I share everything equally

Motheranddaughter · 14/09/2025 22:26

UsernameMcUsername · 14/09/2025 20:12

I was an SAHP till mine were settled in primary and it was bloody brilliant. I'm always intrigued by the "Oh but I'd find it boring" people. I was out & about all the time with the DC in toe & met lots of new people. Work's pretty boring in comparison 😂

Depends on your job
Mine is never boring

SouthLondonMum22 · 14/09/2025 22:24

Grammarnut · 14/09/2025 21:37

Which just shows how skewed capitalism is. I have come across women being described as unemployed when they have 3 children under 5 - the mind boggles and it would not be worth going out to work for those women, the wage would be swallowed by childcare! So it's really about getting children into nursery/child care so someone can make a profit, and making everyone pay tax even though for some mothers that is not a viable option but a pointless one.

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I have 3 children under 3 and work full time. If I wasn't employed then I'd be unemployed, I don't see what's so mind boggling about that.

Parker231 · 14/09/2025 22:09

ifyoulikealotofchocolateonyour · 14/09/2025 21:56

I completely agree with you. It's really sad. Most women don't have any choice whether to stay at home anymore or not and there's a decent proportion who would like to be able to. Just like 50 years ago when women didn't have much choice about whether to stay at home or not...it's the same now but it's reversed.

I also think it's worse for us now as we are still expected to do everything at home and juggle a million plates but we have to work too just to be able to pay the mortgage. Half of us are burnt out and feel we aren't meeting expectations in any area of our lives. It's pretty grim. It would be lovely if one salary would allow a bit of breathing room for us to be able to stay at home for a bit longer if we wanted to.

A woman isn’t expected to do everything at home - the responsibility is shared equally with her DH. If you’re doing everything you’ve chosen the wrong partner.

WickWood · 14/09/2025 22:03

Jibberishforever · 14/09/2025 21:34

Wickwood yes you may do but once you are no longer meeting the requirements and are got rid off half his money is only going to get you that far. Try and get a decent job after 5 or 10 year of being a sahm.
How can a grown woman be happy being treated as a dependant?
Almost everyone I met was exactly like that before the kids, typically lazyish folk who never wanted to work or study much even before the kids.
Also such relationships where women either don't work or work part time aren't equal, dad is rarely fully involved and it's really bad for the child and their development to have mum essentially solo parenting with dad turning up for the fun bits.
Boring convo again and again...

I have a degree and work(ed) in that field for years, so think I'll be fine getting another job if/when i choose to, I've worked all my life, technically still working as my mat leave ends this month. I cant tell whether you're joking or not?! You seriously think my partner doesn't see me as an equal because I've chosen to take a few years off to raise our baby?! Thankfully we're nothing like you describe, I suggest you get some new friends if its your friends you are referring to, completely 50/50 here and if that changes it'll be me leaving, with only half his money, so I'll see how far that gets me 😂

ifyoulikealotofchocolateonyour · 14/09/2025 21:56

I completely agree with you. It's really sad. Most women don't have any choice whether to stay at home anymore or not and there's a decent proportion who would like to be able to. Just like 50 years ago when women didn't have much choice about whether to stay at home or not...it's the same now but it's reversed.

I also think it's worse for us now as we are still expected to do everything at home and juggle a million plates but we have to work too just to be able to pay the mortgage. Half of us are burnt out and feel we aren't meeting expectations in any area of our lives. It's pretty grim. It would be lovely if one salary would allow a bit of breathing room for us to be able to stay at home for a bit longer if we wanted to.