AIBU to consider IVF again at 44?

It's such a gamble at your age now. I'd be most worried about the increased risk of having a disabled child - how would you cope as a single parent with a small child, little family support, and being older too?

Being an only child of older parents was shit when I was younger and even shitter as a young adult when everyone died. Older parents who were also only children and both died by the time I was mid 20s. When I was a child, all the adult family around me were quite old and there were no other children. It's horribly lonely now having no family, no one to tell me family stories and to reminisce with.

I think having an only child is fine when you have siblings who you are close to who also have children. Family is so important.

In your situation now, you need to focus on creating a support network for your daughter, friends who can be like family. If you died, what would happen to your daughter? Who would she live with? Would she have people around her who loved her? What about when she's a young adult? Will she have family friends around her who she has a strong connection to?

I could've written this post except it was a colleague not a friend.

I wouldn’t criticise you for going for it though. I understand.

OP to echo one of your comments here, one of my best friends did throw £10k at wanting to be sure she’d tried everything and it didn’t work (at age 42) and she does regret it now, it’s such a lot of money and she’d already spent so much on IVF already at that point. She’s had counselling since and wishes she’d just done that in the first place knowing her odds (as an aside she’s found the counselling very very helpful in moving on/accepting this part of her life is done)

It’s so difficult and I’ve seen how much she’s suffered so wanted to send love to you, whatever you decide

Yeah… where the success rate starts to decline faster. Glad we agree

Yes because of funding. They have to draw the line somewhere.

Having a sibling isn't a guarantee they will have a close relationship in the future. I have two brothers and none of us particularly keep in contact with each other and we all live in different countries!

I had a second, partly to give my daughter a sibling as there are no children in the wider family. My second is an autistic boy, with whom she has nothing in common. It’s like having 2 only children and trying to to balance their differing needs is very hard even with 2 parents (no family help). But that’s my experience, yours could be entirely different.

It isn’t just funding though it is. It’s because the likelihood of success is low and so it’s not worth wasting such limited funding on it.

Op another thing is if your ill or need hospital treatment even for a few days who will look after your children?

Your 40s your parents are probably edging towards their 70s.
In their 70s they are probably fine to babysit one child for a few days.

In 10 years time your kids would be 13 and 9, so still too young to be left home alone over night, parents pushing 80 they might not be fit or capable of looking after two children who potentially bicker at those ages.

I wouldnt go ahead 8 percent is very low, what if the child is severely disabled? you only have 3 adults in your family you will struggle and then your dd will struggle and could end up having to look after disabled sibling when your gone.

I would invest that 10k in your daughter. take her traveling when shes a little bit older, show her the world.

Yes funding.

Very unlikely you have a successful pregnancy given those chances. Plus they might not even get on.

Where does the 8% come from? HFEA statistics are 5% live birth rate for 43-44.

I wouldn't, if it means you could do fewer nice things for a while. To me it would feel like throwing thousands of pounds in the bin that should be spent on your daughter.

Essentially I’d likely be spending £10K and nearly all my savings just for peace of mind that I’d done everything I could

I would pay £10k for the peace of mind. I know myself too well - I wouldn't rest for the 'what ifs', would struggle to put it behind me and move on. I'd rather be £10k down than angry at myself or obsessing over if I made the right choice for the next five years.

Only you know how important that peace of mind is to you.

I conceived naturally at 44, had ds at 45. He is now 17. It's been plain sailing for us. If you have the resources to raise a second child, then give it a go.

Just be prepared to work hard at your fitness because you will need it. I'm 62 and still park run & swim, and work full time. Raising teens is physically demanding when you are in your 50s & 60s, we are touring universities at the moment.

I'm not trying to put you off, I've loved every minute and have a happy confident ds, You have backup care for if you are ever ill. But it is an 18 year project, minimum.

I don't think I'd do an egg collection at 44, most clinics don't offer it so it's additional expense from the get go. Personal odds are never exactly the same as average for age but they have to be quite reduced at that stage.

Similar to you I have one child from IVF at 40 although my daughter is only a few months old. I'm lucky enough to have frozen embryos to try for a sibling but if they aren't successful I wouldn't go through stims again.

You need to balance out the chance of success versus the impact on your daughter. Only you can know if you need to try before you can give up on the possibility of a sibling.

Op i really wouldn't
Your DD is just 3 so not quite at the stage of swimming lessons and multiple other stuff going on (Guides, Dance, Sports)

Trying to manage multiple kids at different ages and stages different drop off and pickup times life just becomes hectic.

You can really enjoy your DD growing up. Holidays days out, cinema, shows easier to focus on one child than 2.
Not having a second parent means you can't do the you take one, I'll take the other.

There is also the thing of uni and early career having a baby at 45 means your 65 when they are 20, you might be ready to think about retirement but you still have a child to fund, if they are at uni or on apprentice wages.

Only child. While I may have liked a sibling as an adult, I loved my childhood as an only child. I have a massive circle if friends and constantly form new bonds, and will never be alone.

@ConsideringIVFAgain
My good pal froze her eggs at 37. She’s 45 now and about to give birth to her 2nd child.
First round lucky both times. Try it! you never know…

I also want to offer a view on siblings: They’re not always great and sometimes awful. I know many siblings who have fallen out for life. The single children friends I know have a great circle of friends and enjoyed being only children. So there’s no guarantees!

Did you freeze your eggs when you were younger OP? If not I wouldn’t bother. That money will be very useful as DD grows up

I briefly consided ivf when I was 41 but dismissed it as too much of a gamble when I saw the odds (think its's 11%). It just seemed like throwing money away. So an 8% seems far too unrealistic to hope for success, especially with just one cycle.
The chances would be better with a donor egg but I wasn't keen on that as I think a big part of the strong bond I have with dc1 is because of our genetic similarities.

Only children are so common these days that I don't think it should be a concern. For adulthood I definitely don't think it's a problem (speaking as someone with 3 siblings but nc with any of them and I get all the support I need from DH and friends).

In your place, I'd spend the money on investing in your daughter's future.

This of it this way: there is a 92% chance that you will spend all that money on that cycle and it will come to nothing.

Don't worry about DD being lonely, she has a full circle of family around her, she'll meet many best friends, invest in relationships, there is 1000s of only DC today, if they're lonely, they'll link up.
I have a few friends with only children who are now teenagers, they have a great bond, the teenagers have good friendships.