Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to consider IVF again at 44?

66 replies

ConsideringIVFAgain · 13/09/2025 22:52

Has anybody done it?

I’m a SMBC so no chance of trying naturally. I always dreamed of having two children when I was younger (and assumed I would be able to find the right partner and do the traditional marriage and kids). As it is I have one amazing DC by donor sperm that I had on my own at age 41. My DD is now 3 and as she is growing more independent and we meet more and more of her peers at groups/nursery who have siblings, I’ve started to long again for a second child. So just before I turned 44 I transferred my last frozen embryo from the IVF round that gave me my DD- but it sadly ended in an early miscarriage.

If I had a partner I’d try again naturally without hesitation, but I don’t know if I am being selfish trying for a sibling for her at my advanced age with IVF. I was successful first time with her (beat the approx 28% odds I’d been given), but this time I only apparently have about an 8% chance and I will only be able to do the one round again, as there is only 1 vial of sperm left from her donor.

The one IVF round will also take a lot of my savings - so although I am mortgage free, have a steady job/good maternity leave etc, it will mean fewer extra “treats” for her like holidays etc for a while. And although I would do all the pre-natal tests if I got lucky a second time, I understand they aren’t fool- proof and that there is a higher risk of disability for children born of older mothers; so is it worth the risk of a disabled sibling, as that wouldn’t be fair on DD once I’m gone…

But my DD has no other family apart from myself, my parents and my older sibling (she is the only grandchild), so although DD is happy as she is and isn’t asking for a sibling now, she might really appreciate having one as the rest of her family gets older; as well as me wanting another child for myself.

YABU- the chance of success is tiny, spend your time and money on the child you are already very lucky to have.

YANBU- you don’t know unless you try and there are risks for everything.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Needspaceforlego · 16/09/2025 00:02

Op you've absolutely made the right decision. Enjoy your DD and have lots of fun bringing her up. Shes getting to a great age to do lots of fun activities cinema, panto, days out to zoos and theme parks!
Even reading books together ❤️

I have 6 year gap thanks to PCOS.
When they were around 5 and 11 we'd end up going to cinema to watch different films the oldest to watch a 12a and the youngest to see a U or PG.

I don't know how you'd manage that with two kids and a big gap on your own.

Original poster
ConsideringIVFAgain · 15/09/2025 22:38

ThreenagerCentral · 15/09/2025 22:27

I’m a SMBC and would love another child but finances prevent it. Have you considered linking up with your daughter’s siblings from the same donor? My son regularly meets up with his brothers in London and it’s a really special connection. You can easily provide family, you just need to look for them.

Thank you - that’s a really good idea.

How old is your son if you don’t mind me asking? We are actually in online chats with some of her “diblings” parents (who are in various different countries -though there is one dibling in the UK that we have found so far). But even though I have shown her pictures of them, she hasn’t really shown any interest yet, so perhaps she is too young at the moment? But hopefully in the future…

ETA: Just realised your username. Is your son 3 too? I can totally relate to the difficulties of the “threenager” bit - I’m still waiting for it to ease (though to be honest, the terrible twos weren’t often fun either) - it’s part of the reason I delayed trying for a second child as it hasn’t always been easy. If your son is 3 and interested in his diblings, perhaps my DD is just too self centred at the moment rather than too young as such 🤣

OP posts:
ThreenagerCentral · 15/09/2025 22:27

I’m a SMBC and would love another child but finances prevent it. Have you considered linking up with your daughter’s siblings from the same donor? My son regularly meets up with his brothers in London and it’s a really special connection. You can easily provide family, you just need to look for them.

Original poster
ConsideringIVFAgain · 15/09/2025 21:40

Thank you very much all who have posted about the benefits of only children ❤️ It really does make me feel better.

If I am honest with myself, I do think my DD would be happier throughout her childhood being an only child - she wants every adults sole attention, has never asked for a sibling and at this early age (well aware it will likely change later) even generally prefers to play with adults or on her own, rather than with the other kids at nursery. There would also be close to a 5 year age gap by the time a baby came, so they probably wouldn’t have anything in common until they are older. I also realise if using my head rather than my heart, that I would likely be a better parent to her with no more children- less likely to be tired or too busy for her, more money/opportunities to give her etc.

It’s just getting past the urge to do it again for me - first smiles, first steps, first “Mummy”, and this time hopefully do it better/ more mindfully with less of the “New Mum” panic I had first time around. And of course the worry that when DD is an adult, she would actually appreciate having a sibling, even with a larger than average age gap.

But I do think I am too old to try again now and it isn’t worth the risk and cost - so thank you again for all who have shared their experiences and advice.

OP posts:
DoubtfulCat · 15/09/2025 21:00

FWIW I have a sibling who’s a lot younger than me and while we are reasonably close now, we weren’t as kids because we never overlapped in interests. No guarantees that siblings will like each other!

And my other FWIW, my dc wanted a sibling but now, as a teen, says she prefers being an only because she doesn’t have to put up with a younger brother or sister, and it’s more peaceful! She and I also have a lovely close relationship and go away together and spend time together doing sport, shopping, playing games… I have more resources for her and I know I do a better job than I would if I had two.

Wishing you peace with your decision. The benefits will show themselves in time.

Pomegranatecarnage · 15/09/2025 20:53

I have a lot of friends who are only children, none of them have any regrets.

Original poster
ConsideringIVFAgain · 15/09/2025 20:53

Nearly50omg · 15/09/2025 12:42

Who will take on your children if you die suddenly? Who will parent and love them? That’s the kind of thing you need to be thinking. Not wanting to join the sibling club in mums groups

I have already said I have a sibling who would take my child/ren if I died. We are close, despite them living a few hours away, so discussions have been had, the Will is done etc. As a SMBC I made sure of all that before I had my DD.

OP posts:
Original poster
ConsideringIVFAgain · 15/09/2025 20:50

HeyThereDelila · 14/09/2025 23:04

YABU. Using donor gametes is cruel - it’s all about you, not about the child who grows up not knowing half (or all!) their family and genetic history. Egg retrieval has hugely damaging consequences for young women’s health. You have a healthy child- be grateful and let this go.

You haven’t read my posts otherwise you would realise I used/would have been using donor sperm rather than donor egg. I wouldn’t use donor egg, but only because I personally think it would be unfair for any potential siblings to be “different” from each other (since DD was from my eggs) - not because donor gametes are “cruel” in themselves.

Your ideas are at least 20 years out of date - the recent research says donor conceived young people do at least as well as their peers emotionally, educationally etc as long as they are told early and it isn’t a “secret”. Donor conceived young adults from SMBC actually apparently often do better than most of their peers from conventional families- likely because they never have to deal with parental splits, which happen so often.

We are in touch with my DD’s sperm donor - he is in his late thirties with a wife and children of his own (who know about the donations) and did it because his family strongly believe in helping others and one of his own siblings needed a donor to conceive. He is happy to be in touch with DD, and DD seems not at all bothered that she doesn’t have a “Dad” in her life - she sees her Grandad everyday and has other male role models in her life.

Fair enough to say I should let having a second child go at my age, but please don’t post uninformed generalisations about donor conception - done the correct way (telling the child early, contact with donors, responsible informed donation) it isn’t at all “cruel”.

OP posts:
Nearly50omg · 15/09/2025 12:42

Who will take on your children if you die suddenly? Who will parent and love them? That’s the kind of thing you need to be thinking. Not wanting to join the sibling club in mums groups

indoorplantqueen · 15/09/2025 10:05

I’ve just seen your update. I think that this is a sensible decision giving your circumstances. I have one dd and they’re a teen now and we have the loveliest and closest relationship. She’s a really nice grounded kid with lots of friends. As she gets older her world will open up with school and clubs. My dd has rarely said she’s bored or lonely. Now she’s older we take a friend on holiday with us which is bliss!

dailyconniptions · 15/09/2025 03:36

I would just stick to what I have if I were you and not take this kind of gamble. To spend so much money is shocking to me when you have a beautiful child already.

HeyThereDelila · 14/09/2025 23:04

YABU. Using donor gametes is cruel - it’s all about you, not about the child who grows up not knowing half (or all!) their family and genetic history. Egg retrieval has hugely damaging consequences for young women’s health. You have a healthy child- be grateful and let this go.

Strawberriesandpears · 14/09/2025 22:44

Needspaceforlego · 14/09/2025 22:22

@Strawberriesandpears do you live near your cousins? If you do it might be worth reaching out to them and suggesting a catchup, dinner or something.

But I also think for the next generation today's children friends will be their family because many will be far away from cousins if they even have any

Edited

We sadly have absolutely nothing in common. Even if we did, I don't think they would need me in their lives. They are close as siblings and also have plenty of other family of their own.

I do have some good friends who are also only children, which is lovely. However I am still sad I have nobody to share family memories with.

Needspaceforlego · 14/09/2025 22:22

@Strawberriesandpears do you live near your cousins? If you do it might be worth reaching out to them and suggesting a catchup, dinner or something.

But I also think for the next generation today's children friends will be their family because many will be far away from cousins if they even have any

Strawberriesandpears · 14/09/2025 18:48

GreenCat12 · 14/09/2025 09:36

It's such a gamble at your age now. I'd be most worried about the increased risk of having a disabled child - how would you cope as a single parent with a small child, little family support, and being older too?

Being an only child of older parents was shit when I was younger and even shitter as a young adult when everyone died. Older parents who were also only children and both died by the time I was mid 20s. When I was a child, all the adult family around me were quite old and there were no other children. It's horribly lonely now having no family, no one to tell me family stories and to reminisce with.

I think having an only child is fine when you have siblings who you are close to who also have children. Family is so important.

In your situation now, you need to focus on creating a support network for your daughter, friends who can be like family. If you died, what would happen to your daughter? Who would she live with? Would she have people around her who loved her? What about when she's a young adult? Will she have family friends around her who she has a strong connection to?

I very much agree with this position. My parents weren't older (average age really). However we are a very small family. I only have two cousins, and we aren't close at all and I did see much of them in childhood. I would love some family of my own generation to be close to and share memories with. As an adult I feel very lonely, and almost in a constant state of anticipatiory grief. I don't have children of my own either, as I would be an older parent too now, and would likely only have time for one child. I don't want to put a child into the same position as me.

Having said this though, I am doing my best to build my life up in other ways. I have some close friends and am working on establishing more connections. No doubt your daughter will do the same.

BadSkiingMum · 14/09/2025 15:22

Glad that you have come to a decision, even though it may always feel like a wistful topic for you.

Remember that every family shape has its advantages and disadvantages: even the ‘gold standard’ of two children, two years apart (insert eye-roll smiley here!) means that they will be taking GCSEs and A-Levels in the same year. Talk about stress!

Enjoy time with your DD x

Needspaceforlego · 14/09/2025 14:58

Op that sounds like a wise decision. I'm glad you've taken on bored people's comments

The other thing id thought about was if you build good relationships with your DDs friends parents you have a good chance of children doing sleep overs, effectively building a village around you both. That also means you have someone to lean on should you be ill or whatever.

Give your DD the best life you can both have.

Jujujudo · 14/09/2025 14:25

I did at 43. Do it now though. If you’re worried about your eggs then you could use donor eggs. But don’t wait. It’s not too old to have a baby at all, I’m fitter and stronger than all the other school mums and I’m at least ten years older than most!

Original poster
ConsideringIVFAgain · 14/09/2025 14:23

For those who asked - the 8% chance for one cycle is personal to me, rather than the general 2% - 5% one at 44. The slightly better odds are probably because my IVF worked first time at 40/41 and I also come from a long line of women who had healthy pregnancies in their mid forties (admittedly after some losses too) - so I would probably eventually be successful too if I was able to keep trying naturally. But the chances of a single medicated IUI working are even smaller than IVF, as I would very likely need multiple embryos in order to find one “normal”/euploid one.

Thanks very much for the advice all of you. I’m sorry some of you have been in this situation too ❤️ but thank you everyone for sharing your experiences, it really does help.

I think I’ve decided not to go ahead. The major positives of a sibling which my DD may appreciate when she’s older (at the moment she really isn’t bothered as she just wants all my attention!) and my own strong desire for a second child seems to be strongly outweighed by the practicalities- the risk of a possibly disabled child on DD, having only one average income and that money then having to be shared between two, the likelihood of aging parents being less able to help in an emergency in future (or me needing to help my parents a lot more before my child/ren are fully grown themselves )…

I won’t lie and say I’m not really upset and still so tempted but my head says it’s just not meant to be (maybe if it was, I wouldn’t have had the chemical pregnancy 😢). I will do my best to be to give DD the best life I can and try to encourage her to make lots of friends, thank you again ❤️

OP posts:
Needspaceforlego · 14/09/2025 09:50

I found IUI to be a waste of time. Most private clinics probably don't offer it. My local NHS stopped offering it to women over 40.
Its certainly not worth gambling a last vial of donor sperm on.

I also found it to be very stressful. Much more stressful than IVF. But maybe after 4 rounds of IUI, over stimulated ovaries, a chemical pregnancy, waiting 3mths for MH reasons, cycles landing at Christmas 'Oh we don't do IUI in December' I was ready to give up. By the time I did IVF I was very much if it works great if it doesn't, it doesn't.

GeorgeClooneyshouldhavemarriedme · 14/09/2025 09:49

I appreciate where you're coming from, I was in the same position in my early 40s.

One small child, massive desire for a second, but my only option to concieve was IVF.

I thought long and hard and finally decided against it because I knew that going through the IVF rollercoaster , especially at 40 plus, would not only take it's toll on me, but it would also take some of my attention away from DS and distract me from enjoying this time with him.

Would I have preferred him not to be an only child? Yes, but I have been able to afford a life and an education for him that would not have been possible if I'd gone down the IVF route .
Has he been affected by being an only child? Of course not.
Do I still feel wistful sometimes for the second child? Yep, not gonna lie, but I don't regret my decision not to pursue it.

StopRainingNow · 14/09/2025 09:48

Personally I found that at 44 the feeling of wanting another child got really strong. I really wanted it. At nearly 47, I'm now so glad that I didn't have one, I can't imagine still having a child in nappies etc. I think it it likely your biological clock just ringing out hard. In my own experience, which is very different to yours, it will pass.

Allswellthatendswelll · 14/09/2025 09:44

Could you compromise and do IUI with the donor sperm? Then you've had a go but not spent all the money.

I think at 44 your chances are low and there is no guarantee your daughter would get on with a sibling. Plus two kids are just a lot more work than one.

smallpinecone · 14/09/2025 09:41

Not a chance I’d be spending that money for my own ‘peace of mind’ when the chances of success are so low.

Invest the money in the child you have.

BadSkiingMum · 14/09/2025 09:40

My suggestion would be to roll the dice, but consider using medicated IUI rather than IVF. Your cycle would be stimulated by medication and then use a trigger shot to ovulate. Introduce the sperm and see if the two can meet. It is much lower tech but an absolute fraction of the cost.

That way you have used the sperm, taken the opportunity and will never have the regret of not trying but will also have kept a good portion of your savings intact. If it is meant to be, it will happen.

Most importantly I wouldn’t get hung up on the idea that your DD is alone or ‘needs’ a sibling. I remember seeing a school-run friend posting on social media. My friend and her husband were always taking their daughter out and about at the weekends - you could tell that they were making the most of every moment and just enjoying her company. I had always done the outings with my DC but certainly took a leaf out of my friend’s book in terms of her positive attitude.

It’s naturally hard right now when you are surrounded by cute babies and toddler siblings, but I think that the advantages of smaller families tend to show up a bit later, when you can really devote time to supporting your child’s activities and interests. If you want to spend every weekend geocaching or devote your living space to musical instruments, you can. But you are never, ever ‘torn’ between two commitments. Children in one-child families can have very happy childhoods!

Best wishes.

Swipe left for the next trending thread