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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD cruelly dumped by BF

283 replies

OutbackQueen · 13/09/2025 03:46

My 25 year old DD has recently been dumped in a very cruel way by her boyfriend. He did it once, said he’d made a terrible mistake, reeled her back in and then did it again.
She’s moved back in with me and is planning to go and live with a friend in London. I’m hurting for her and wrote this and want to send it to him. The only thing that’s stopping me is worrying that she might find out (although she’s blocked him on everything.)
It would make me feel better but is that just wanting revenge? Should I send it?

“She never knew him
The man who said he loved her
The man she thought would never hurt her
He knocked her down
Helped her up
And then did it again
He blamed her for it all
When she had done nothing
But give him her constant heart
She will never understand why
But one day, before too long
She will cease to care”

OP posts:
ConnieHeart · 13/09/2025 08:59

I remember when I was 15 I got a note in the post from my then boyfriend of about 3 weeks dumping me. It was quite a cruel letter making personal attacks on me. My mum "accidentally" opened it and read it. In the time between her and me reading it, she'd written a reply. It was brilliant. Can't remember much about it now but she picked apart his spelling & grammar and suggested he might like to go back to school but the best line was "you're about as interesting as a 2 week old fart in a jar!!" I definitely borrowed a few lines from her letter in my reply to him....!

NannyOggsScones · 13/09/2025 08:55

Well done OP for realising this would be insanity. My MIL did similar when my SIL’s DH went off with another woman. Except she went one stage further and gave the hate poem she wrote to one of her teenage GCs to give to their dad! To this day she cannot grasp why this was off the scale inappropriate. The fallout was/is spectacular.

Thepeopleversuswork · 13/09/2025 08:51

RTFT and get over yourselves some of you.

OP has said (a while ago) that she won’t send and feels humiliated and sad.

Some of you are being utter arseholes. Even for AIBU.

BeLilacSloth · 13/09/2025 08:43

I’d laugh if my ex’s Mum sent me that 🤣 pull yourself together OP and just focus on your own relationships instead of your DD’s

JockTamsonsBairns · 13/09/2025 08:41

No need for folk to start piling on with cruel comments.

The Op was clearly feeling emotional during the night. She's taken advice on the questionable poem, and decided against it.

No need for all the mocking.

Allthefruit · 13/09/2025 08:39

ChatOff · 13/09/2025 08:28

I've ALWAYS wanted to ask someone if they're on glue! Yay.

Grin
ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 13/09/2025 08:36

Better to have nearly done something daft and been talked out of it by strangers on the internet, than to be someone making cruel comments to strangers on the internet.

Definitely a bad idea to send it. The writing things down and burning it could be cathartic so maybe do that.

You sound like a lovely mum who wants to help your daughter. How about planning a nice outing for the two of you? Maybe a show? I think Six might be touring, and I saw Hamilton back in March, if it’s still on and anywhere near you it’s well worth going. Or if that’s not your things, plan a different day out. Stop giving the horrible ex your attention and focus on cheering your daughter up.

Antimimisti · 13/09/2025 08:36

I think it would be better to send it to your daughter!

Pomegranatecarnage · 13/09/2025 08:30

Please don’t send that.

Wafflesandcrepes · 13/09/2025 08:29

Hi OP, I’m so sorry you and your DD are hurting so much. As others have said, spend time with your DD and make sure she’s okay. Do not send that note. Not under any circumstances.

ConnieHeart · 13/09/2025 08:28

LlynTegid · 13/09/2025 07:51

Sadly there is not an unsuitable for relationships register. Hope the said man is single for ever, sadly unlikely.

Just continue to support your DD as you are doing.

Why? What's he done apart from finish the relationship? People are allowed to do that if they're not happy

ChatOff · 13/09/2025 08:28

I've ALWAYS wanted to ask someone if they're on glue! Yay.

Barnbrack · 13/09/2025 08:26

OutbackQueen · 13/09/2025 03:46

My 25 year old DD has recently been dumped in a very cruel way by her boyfriend. He did it once, said he’d made a terrible mistake, reeled her back in and then did it again.
She’s moved back in with me and is planning to go and live with a friend in London. I’m hurting for her and wrote this and want to send it to him. The only thing that’s stopping me is worrying that she might find out (although she’s blocked him on everything.)
It would make me feel better but is that just wanting revenge? Should I send it?

“She never knew him
The man who said he loved her
The man she thought would never hurt her
He knocked her down
Helped her up
And then did it again
He blamed her for it all
When she had done nothing
But give him her constant heart
She will never understand why
But one day, before too long
She will cease to care”

Oh my God what is wrong with you?

mtaylorfan · 13/09/2025 08:25

I think OP has left the thread, but just noticed her question: 'is that just wanting revenge?'

How is it revenge even?

My fear is that she was hoping to shock him into seeing the error of his ways, realising he'd been a Bad Boy - so he would run back to them both with roses and eternal devotion.

Chilliprawnpls · 13/09/2025 08:20

OutbackQueen · 13/09/2025 07:31

Actually I’m almost in tears and feel like crawling into a hole and not coming out. Some of you will think I deserve to feel that way but I’m glad I posted because it’s stopped me from sending it and made me appreciate something about myself which I was only obliquely aware of.
I’m leaving the thread now but have learned a lesson.

Good grief

stop being such a hyperbolic drama llama 🙄

ConnieHeart · 13/09/2025 08:19

Gently, also you don't know exactly what happened in the relationship. You only have her side of the story so it's unfair to put the blame solely at his door

CaroleLandis · 13/09/2025 08:19

He was t cruel, he gave the relationship another try and it didn’t work out.

That poem apart from being dreadful is not something you should ever send and makes you look unhinged which in turn will reflect very badly on your daughter.

ConnieHeart · 13/09/2025 08:18

OutbackQueen · 13/09/2025 03:46

My 25 year old DD has recently been dumped in a very cruel way by her boyfriend. He did it once, said he’d made a terrible mistake, reeled her back in and then did it again.
She’s moved back in with me and is planning to go and live with a friend in London. I’m hurting for her and wrote this and want to send it to him. The only thing that’s stopping me is worrying that she might find out (although she’s blocked him on everything.)
It would make me feel better but is that just wanting revenge? Should I send it?

“She never knew him
The man who said he loved her
The man she thought would never hurt her
He knocked her down
Helped her up
And then did it again
He blamed her for it all
When she had done nothing
But give him her constant heart
She will never understand why
But one day, before too long
She will cease to care”

Sorry posted in error

Chilliprawnpls · 13/09/2025 08:17

I suspect that he would post this on SM, and it would go viral

Fedupwithnamechanging · 13/09/2025 08:16

Absolutely not. Your job is to support your DD, not to insert yourself into their relationship. I know it hurts seeing your DC hurting even when they're adults. But just no.

Daisymail · 13/09/2025 08:13

zaazaazoom · 13/09/2025 03:50

Oh Jesus's absolutely dont send him anything. I cant imagine anything more embarrassing.
Its not your job.
Your job is to comfort DD and tell her there are much better men out there and to move forward.

This!

Allthefruit · 13/09/2025 08:13

Shutupkeith · 13/09/2025 07:40

My lovely Son had a long scathing text message from his EXGF Mother when they split. It was mainly because he started dating one of her friends. Problem was she had no idea her DD had cheated on DS and she ended up looking like a total dick. DS sent back a wonderful reply informing her of this and that he wished her DD well for the future. Not saying your DD has done anything wrong but getting involved in their relationships is just a massive no no. Stand back and support her, she will be fine soon enough and realise he was a massive dick.

Show quote history

Yeah exactly this. My ex 's family all hated me for ending the relationship but he was the one who cheated several times and was toxic and controlling towards me (presumably because he judged me by his own cheaty standards).

EmeraldShamrock000 · 13/09/2025 08:12

Definitely not. Support your DD, forget about him.

Allthefruit · 13/09/2025 08:11

Billybagpuss · 13/09/2025 08:08

Hi @OutbackQueen you are going to get a few more ‘are you nuts?’ Comments before this dies down that’s the nature of mn where people read the first post and not the subsequent updates.

but actually in all seriousness you do need to spend time with your dd and make sure that in her head she’s already done and finished with him. He’s come crawling back once already and then crushed her again, this can be the way coercive abusive relationships start. If he does try coming back she needs to be strong enough to tell him where to go.

Fucking hell. Being a bit wobbly about whether you really want a relationship to be over does not make you abusive it makes you human.

Op hasn't given a single example of actual bad behaviour by him. His only "sin" is not wanting to be with her daughter

whitewineandsun · 13/09/2025 08:10

It's OK to be sad for your daughter, but she's 25. Perhaps reflect on whether there are boundaries to work on. This just seems so out of pocket.