My adult DC have all just had a massive fallen out

It’s interesting that so many PP are focused on the drugs. If you have DC between 18-25 it is very likely that they have tried drugs. If your DC are younger you have it to look forward to. If older then they have successfully kept it from you.
As adults, OPs DC are entitled to privacy and whether they share personal details with their DM is entirely up to them. Some families share some don’t. What is unacceptable is sharing confidential details about their siblings.

In order to have a good relationship going forward you need to sit them down and explain that you don’t need to know everything. They are at an age when they are all seeking independence and will naturally drift apart, but they will become friends again, but probably need a little guidance about boundaries.

There needs to be an agreement that they look after each other, but if they are worried about one of their siblings behaviour they seek advice. The same goes for you, as the parent, you need to become one of the family “team” and not just mum.

We had a code of behaviour as adult siblings. If we were worried about each other we would first discuss it amongst ourselves, only taking it to parent level if necessary. It prepared us for when DM & DF were not around. We lost our parents in our early 30s and needed our own sibling network to cope with it.

Their recent behaviour suggests that they still expect you to mediate. Maybe it’s time to step back, explain that as adults you are no longer the “sorter outer” but give them tools to work it out.

There is nothing more humbling than your parents expressing how disappointed they are with your behaviour. But in this case not the behaviour they’ve been disclosing about each other but the fact they feel it necessary to involve you in their fall out by disclosing information that they have probably promised not to disclose.

A family meeting would be a good idea. But not one where you lay down the law. Try and take a neutral stand and stress that you are not interested in the tittle tattle but are more concerned about them trying to involve you.

Once you have introduced the new regime then it’s time to withdraw and let them work out their own rules.

There will be periods of their lives when they drift apart but knowing your sibling has your back even if you haven’t spoken to them for months is reassuring and healthy.
The most important thing is that you don’t take sides or get sidetracked by what you have learned. You can address any worries you have about individual behaviour later.

I would be angry will all of them as they need to grow up and behave like adults. There is enough going on in the world without all this crap! Tell them to sort it or move out!

They all seem to be a bit morally unscrupulous, with one cheating on their partner and one has had an abortion at the age of 19 without being able to tell her mother.

Why is it morally unscrupulous to have an abortion without telling your mum?

Won't be approaching you for support or sympathy then?
What an unkind, judgemental post.
You have the perfect family, right?

OP needs support, not criticism
OP, I am sure that a lot of families will have hidden secrets that would only come out in a moment of crisis.
Please take a deep breath and go out for a walk.
Your head is spinning with this.
Let the dust settle before you make any decisions.
You are clearly a lovely parent.
Fwiw, the behind the scenes misendeavours of family life are likely to be a surprise for many.
Take care OP

If it was me i would say since you are all behaving like children, would you like me to treat you like children and put you in time out?

Fair point sorry.

It was just a part where you said of nor the information she's been given. How can she do that? That's where the children added up, where they are, because seems as if there's been a heart of a lot going on under her nose that she should have picked up on.

What part of my post are you objecting to? I've specifically advised not to ignore the info received.

She could certainly go and tell off her adult children but will that achieve anything? Probably not but it will drive them away particularly if she comes at it with a judgemental attitude.

Change is driven through motivation. Telling people what to do doesn't drive change. Understanding where someone is at present comes through being curious about what is happening for them, where they want to go, and questioning whether their current actions are taking them closer or farther away from their goals.

You dont need to be rich to take drugs 😵‍💫😵‍💫

Whut?

Ots extremely worrying they are all using drugs 😔. Are you very rich?

Well I couldn't stay out of this, I just couldn't.

I'd be saying that if they can't be civil and respectful to each other then they can move out. I would mean it too.

Then I'd check in with DS1, directly ask if he hit a woman and why he feels that this is acceptable?

DD1 to ask why she feels it's ok to disclose DD2s medical information, ask her how she thinks DD2 feels now. Does she have no empathy at all?

DD2, to check she's ok after the termination disclosure, but also what her motives were in reporting the others coke habits. She needs to know that malicious actions do have consequences.

Then I'd read them all the riot act re the effects of coke, both on society and on their health.

Honestly OP, you can't control how they act but you can remind them that they were brought up with decent values and if they can't be respectful in your home then they can leave right now. They all owe you an apology.

I actually blame DS1 for this as he was the first who reacted on facts (DD1 was in Poland at the same time as his ex and saw her ) with very unpleasant emotional outburst.
I think you need to talk to all of them about stopping bickering, mutual respect and that at the moment they all look like children who can’t handle independence for various reasons : drugs, arguments etc.
And then I might go to each of them separately because drugs issue is really really worrying.
However saying this I absolutely feel for you as with 4 of them and only week left it look like an enormous task for you.

My thoughts exactly. Taking drugs like coke really disgusts me because basically, as a user, you are every bit a part of the chain of events that goes on to get that coke from the plant to up your nostrils.

I wouldn’t even call it indirect. They are very much an active part of the chain.

OP, for all their adults, I do think they still need guidance. I would try to sit everyone down together and talk things through, let them know the effect it’s having on you etc. It is horrendous when there’s a fallout between your own children 😞

@ILoveWhales 3 being a drug user is very normal tbh. Recreational drug use at clubs etc is very very normal. I was genuinely shocked when my adult children told me about how normal it all is, how easily available they are, how they’re sold openly, no secrecy about it like in times gone by. It’s seen as just the same as having a few drinks. I’m appalled by it all 😞

They're adults but they're young adults and they're acting like children. You'll need to step in.

One question to ask them is why so many secrets.

Do your best to stay out of it but also use it as an opportunity to support each of them who might need it.

Say out of it mama. All of it. If there's a sniff of you taking anyone's side then WW3 will break out.

But as I said, in my post isn't that the problem

She's ignored it too much. She has four children, three of which are using hard drugs. They all seem to be a bit morally unscrupulous, with one cheating on their partner and one has had an abortion at the age of 19 without being able to tell her mother.

There's more going on in this house than just a few children having a fight. They all sound like very troubled individuals.And they've all been raised in the same household in the same environment, and they're all unable to talk to their mother when it was happening.

For one of your children to be a drug user is unfortunate.But three? What the hell is going on.

They seem to want you to come in and give a telling off to their other siblings. It's all very very childish and you're clearly not going to "tell off" your (very young) adult children.

I'd make no comment at all to the people "telling" on their siblings except to ask them what their intentions were in sharing the info. I think you need to leave the door open to each if them to share worries with you while discouraging tattle tales with no object except to see the other in "trouble."

I wouldn't just ignore the info you've been given. I'd speak individually to each of them and make it clear that you're there for them, want to understand what is going on for them, and help out if at all possible. I'd be curious rather than accusing.

Tell them all to grow up, they are family, it got out of control and to sort it before it becomes a long running rift. If anyone wants to talk about anything relating to themselves you are there, but you are not interested in tales about others.

Then if you are in anyway funding your drug using dc through uni, cut the money back as they obviously have way too much! One drug using dc is unfortunate, 3 there needs to be some very strong messaging.

I was really firm here and said I didn’t want them to run and tattle to me, that they are adults and don’t need to be telling me things about the others like children.

That's half your problem. You don't want them running tattling to you. They know they can't talk to you. They tell each other rather than you.

That's what I was like with my sister, though I didn't like her. We couldn't talk to our mother, we just couldn't. She was nasty she was judgemental. She was pissed off with our problems. She had denied she was though she thought she was an excellent mother. She couldn't see it.

You've managed to raise a load of drug users, and one of your children has had an abortion as a teenager and it's all completely escaped your attention. They're all completely unable to talk to you about anything. That doesn't happen for nothing.

Your first instincts was don't come running to me like children sort it out amongst yourselves when it sounds like they've been having to do that their entire life.

I don't know how you fix it.It shouldn't have become this way in the first place.

Ah I missed the abortion part, if probably let that daughter know that you know, that you're there for her if she wants to talk but there's no reason to stress about you knowing and you won't bring it up again unless she does.

The drugs etc, in our family everything always as ys came/comes out in the wash eventually and it's better out than in mainly because we can understand and support each other as required.

On the upside they all know these things about each other so clearly they normally have close relationships.

'Adults'? They all sound about 12!