To find my husband disgusting

But also, my husband has developed digestive issues as he has got older (47) and his snoring has got worse. Of course loads of people will defend their aging husbands, but a lot of them do get ailments and form bad habits over the years. I know some of them he can’t help but I totally sympathise with feeling irked and sometimes raged (especially with the snoring!)

You do not respect him.
You find him physically repulsive.
You find him disgusting in lots of way.

How would you feel to know that these are exactly the thoughts he had about you? Do you really think he is not aware of your lack of respect and your disgust?

Do you truly want to 'overcome' these feelings? To be kind to you both and to stop being 'horribly cruel', I think at the very least you need time away from each other, even if to not go straight into a divorce. As it is you with these thoughts and feelings, it is you who needs to move out, even if just for the short term.

I’m 40 and I know what you mean. So many of my husband’s habits truly irritate me. I think a large part of it is being perimenopausal, I’ve heard that’s quite common. Of course you will have people saying they never felt that way about their partner, but hormones can definitely play a big part in it for a lot of women.

Or it is just the fact as you get older, things grate on you more. I definitely prefer my own company now and if I could go back in time would have stayed single!

I’ve handed tissues to people in situations like this. Just can’t bear it! The latest was a guy sitting next to me in a lecture who kept snorting louder than anything I’ve ever heard. I just placed a tissue on the desk in front of him and fortunately he picked it up and used it!

Your children will be fine. Focus on getting out of this relationship.
There is no coming back from such revulsion.
He isn't capable of such enormous change.

Get your ducks in a row asap and leave your marriage. It’s never going to work.

💐

Op I completely sympathise!

He tells you to fuck off, s ot hangs from his nose, eats so fast that he has to lie down afterwards and bores you with his ramblings. Imagine if that was his profile on a dating site? You really wouldnt be attracted would you?

The fact that he tells you to fuck off when you ask him to roll over when snoring so you can actually sleep sounds like he doesn’t have much respect for you. My husband often snores on his back and HATES being woken up but when I do and tell him he needs to go on his side, he rolls over. If he told me to fuck off, I don’t think we’d make our 22nd wedding anniversary!

Are your feelings symptomatic of something else in the relationship? I start to feel irritation over small things towards my husband when he is not pulling his weight round the house or financially, and when I have to remind him of things - can you do a food shop? can you bring the washing in? When he pulls himself together and stops being selfish or thoughtless, my irritation goes away and I love him as normal. To be honest, it sounds like you are properly repulsed rather than just a bit irked x

Respect isn't a constant.

Like another poster said this is the iceberg tip there is so much going on underneath. Couples therapy isn’t want you need , you need individual therapy so you can be completely honest and dig deep.

theres absolutely zero chance of coming back from these feelings.

You need to separate.

Same..that feeling towards my husband still comes in waves now I’m nearly 50, but I recognise it, and know it passes.
It helps to focus on your own self care instead of his grossness during this time 🤭 x

No op, there’s no way on Earth you can come back from this.
in fact, it will only get worse and worse.
you need to get the divorce ball rolling ideally today, just apply, for both yours, his and your kids sake. This is no way to live. Your description of him made me feel sick.

It's now too late to come back from this. Even if it wasn't, I don't think he would want to make the effort to meet you half way. Funny how the woman is meant to save the marriage alone, isn't it?

This is a man who tells OP to fuck off when his snoring is keeping her awake, when it would be easy to just roll over. He's not going to do the 'hard work' of taking better care of himself and showing a teeny bit of consideration.

OP, what you will find is that if you stay, you will eventually develop an overwhelming attraction to another man. you will then either cheat and then end the marriage, or end the marriage to avoid cheating. Either way, the marriage is doomed, and so better to end it now, where there's a chance of amicability.

I’m in the same job as your dad and I agree.

@Pinktize take no notice at all - on a public forum you will receive the whole gamut of public opinion, so defo mustn't take heed of probably at least half of it.

You don't sound awful to me. You sound in an awful situation. But I would honestly break up with him. Don't tell him why though or he'll forever feel even worse.

You'll see - when he's on his own, at some point he'll up his game, get clean, etc.

But will probably eventually slump back down.

Life's too short. Go for it.

Nobody knows if somebody will " deteriorate" or learn and grow and change?

It's not a down hill slide after 47.

I dont think think you can come back from this, no. Minor irritation yes. The feelings you have are so strong that even if they improve you're still going to dislike him. And I'm not surprised, a grown adult shouldn't need to be told that it's ridiculous to regularly eat their dinner so fast that they need to lie on the floor groaning

Mmm, he can't even sneeze right,poor bloke. I bet he breathes wrong as well.
Also, why go to counselling but not be honest?
You aren't happy OP, so you need to divorce, for both your sakes.

She’s 41, it’s in OP’s posts. If he’s like this now it’s only going to deteriorate further.

My father was a Consultant Psychologist and did marriage counselling for years. His comment was always that you don't always like someone, you don't always love someone, but you can come back from that. If you no longer respect someone then it's finished.

Perimenopause or not, I do think it’s important to listen to your feelings.

When I see old couples around I think about it being us and I hate the idea of it being me and him.

This was how I felt about my ex, I imagined being 80 and still waking up next to him and felt horrified. I did have other complaints besides him physically repulsing me and I think they were connected - his laziness, lying and selfishness all contributed to the overall ick - but I knew I couldn’t go on. I did wait a while until the DC were older and yes it was painful for everyone, but it’s also very hard staying together when you are just so over it (if you definitely are).

I found it helped to make a private, personal long-term plan to end it, to help me cope. I researched finances, housing options etc, and even little things like looking at paint colours and duvet covers to plan my single life. It kept me going and if I had changed my mind he’d have been none the wiser. I didn’t though.

I don't think it's anything to do with menopause (which seems to get the blame for everything nowadays!) It's just that people grow up, we learn and we change.