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AIBU?

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Original poster

To find my husband disgusting

210 replies

Pinktize · 12/09/2025 22:28

He turned 47 recently but I feel hes 80. He snores so much and he always sleeps on his back and when I gently push him he tells me to fuck off. He eats his food so fast he has to lie on the floor. He tells me long long stories about something from Tesco and I hate listening to him! He slurps yoghurt. Sometimes he has snot hanging from his nose. And I can hear his sneezes from anywhere in the house. I find myself trying to physically avoid him. When I see old couples around I think about it being us and I hate the idea of it being me and him.

I feel horrible. Hes not particularly nice but honestly the feelinh now is so physical. I feel really harsh. I wish it wasnt like this. We went to counselling and I obviously didnt say any of this but we talked about physical closeness and I was just screaming NOOOO in my head

I feel pretty horrible about it.

OP posts:
fatphalange · 13/09/2025 22:01

I apologise, I hadn’t read far enough on the thread.
You do right to resolve to leave. Even if it can’t be right now, you have much sunnier days to look forward to just having made the decision in your mind at least Flowers

fatphalange · 13/09/2025 21:57

You’re having a normal reaction to him being a bad mannered, unpalatable pig. It’s normal to feel disgusted at the disgusting. It’s not on you to try and squash these feelings down and pack them away so you can somehow cope with this miserable marriage, it’s on him to change his ways. If he does, maybe what has been seen cannot be unseen but at least there would be a slither of hope. Is he willing to raise his standards to those of an average human being? That’s the question.

Original poster
Pinktize · 13/09/2025 21:50

@namechangetheworld I think this way too. And I agree about 5050. He cpuld either demand 5050 or disappear entirely. But you're right it will be about punishment not the kids

But my two main negatives (apart from living with him)..is that the kids adopt his ways (they are boys) and I become a servant to 3 belching blokes, and also ill be in my 50s.

But what you set out is v much dominating my thinking. Hence me asking if way to cope or reduce with disgust....I want to find a way to "manage" as the thought of my kids being unsafe for the sake of my peace....no no

OP posts:
PinkyFlamingo · 13/09/2025 21:31

Pinktize · 13/09/2025 19:08

@PinkyFlamingo im trying desperately to work out what to do. Im not trying to be horrible.

I get that. But it's not fair staying with someone who you have these feelings about. For either if you.

namechangetheworld · 13/09/2025 21:30

Connectingconcrable · 13/09/2025 21:24

Sending love and strength @Pinktize .

You need to speak to Women’s Aid for advice on what to do. Some of what you’ve written is actually pretty chilling. And actually it’s made me believe it’s even more important to get you and your DC out.

So this revolting pig, who regularly tells his wife to fuck off, can potentially have her children 50% of the time and treat them in a similar fashion? Mumsnetters like to trot out the old "Oh, men never push for 50/50" but it's not true, spiteful men who want to punish their exes definitely do that.

Unpopular but I would wait it out until the kids are 18 and then leave. Just live seperate lives until then and save as much money as you can. I think there are more people in this situation than people think.

Beachtastic · 13/09/2025 21:26

Plastictreees · 13/09/2025 21:22

Many of these cons are hypothetical. The kids will adjust. It’s better to seperate than you modelling to them that a relationship full of disgust is normal and fine. This is what they will internalise. And children always pick up on things, and notice more than parents think.

This.

The idea of being alone is so exciting to me. Liberating

Find a way to make it happen, OP. it won't be easy, but it will be worth doing, especially in the long run, and not just for you.

Connectingconcrable · 13/09/2025 21:24

Sending love and strength @Pinktize .

You need to speak to Women’s Aid for advice on what to do. Some of what you’ve written is actually pretty chilling. And actually it’s made me believe it’s even more important to get you and your DC out.

Plastictreees · 13/09/2025 21:22

Many of these cons are hypothetical. The kids will adjust. It’s better to seperate than you modelling to them that a relationship full of disgust is normal and fine. This is what they will internalise. And children always pick up on things, and notice more than parents think.

Original poster
Pinktize · 13/09/2025 20:42

Thanks @Connectingconcrable

Im re-reading all the comments. I know a few things for absolute certain

  1. He wont change. He is not clueless about how i feel. He thinks me/women expect too much
  2. I dont respect him or love him
  3. The idea of being alone is so exciting to me. Liberating

Also

  1. The kids will hate to live in 2 homes
  2. He will hate me so much. Which is fine. But the kids will suffer. He will make my life hell.
  3. He will drag everything out as long as possible.
  4. He may well have a breakdown. He may well put the kids in danger. I dont trust the family courts to listen to womens or kids in this scenario

Thats a summary of my situation. Probably the same as many women

I thought i could stick it out until kids are older. But the disgust is really making it v v hard.

OP posts:
Connectingconcrable · 13/09/2025 20:07

Pinktize · 13/09/2025 19:08

@PinkyFlamingo im trying desperately to work out what to do. Im not trying to be horrible.

You’re not horrible @Pinktize . I absolutely feel for you. Don’t blame your peri for his disgusting ways.

My DH snored, if I nudged him he would just say sorry and turn over. Your DH tells you to fuck off. That on its own would see me packing his bags.

Original poster
Pinktize · 13/09/2025 19:08

@PinkyFlamingo im trying desperately to work out what to do. Im not trying to be horrible.

OP posts:
PinkyFlamingo · 13/09/2025 18:50

Pinktize · 12/09/2025 22:59

Why do I sound awful @Parky04 ?

Because you are staying with someone who you find disgusting and awful and he has no clue and not separating.

Original poster
Pinktize · 13/09/2025 18:45

I think also I may be in peri Menopause. I do feel much less forgiving. He has changed but so have I. I probably was more laid back 10 year ago or thought I should be. Ignored stuff or smiled through things. And those things have got more pronounced. And I've got less forgiving of them. I would really really like to make it work in the sense I really dont want to be divorced. I just can't imagine how it will be possible. It would be unimaginably grim and dysfunctional. He is the not the man to dust himself off or be the grown up or whatever.

OP posts:
Plastictreees · 13/09/2025 18:36

I think you should get some therapy OP, to help you unpack your feelings about all this and break free. It would be healthier for you and your children in the long term.

Connectingconcrable · 13/09/2025 18:33

Your children will be happier away from such a toxic environment. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking they are better off with parents who don’t get on.

Put yourself and your DC first and get them out of your toxic household. Don’t worry about him, he clearly doesn’t give a stuff about you or his DC.

Original poster
Pinktize · 13/09/2025 17:58

Thanks so much for all your advice. I have tried to talk to him. The snoring certainly, but he gets annoyed with me. I try so gently to turn him over when he lies on his back snoring and he tells me to fuck right off. I promise if you knew him you'd know why its not easy to tell him or that its pointless. Of course I've talked to him about things, not physical hygenine but the fact hes never taken me on a date or booked anything ever for a birthday or anything....no change...no proper acknowledgment so hard to keep trying. And he will just get upset. I told him earlier this year that he made such lityel effort with me (gaming, phones at dinner, etc) and he said that I was "disloyal" and my constant complaints made him feel "insecure in the marriage and he was the only one who understand you accept your partner for who they are". He says i always want better, more.

Why dont I leave? Because of my kids and the disruption and because im not sure what would happen to him. And I feel guilty. And I dont want the kids to have a dysfunctional depressed alcoholic for a dad.

OP posts:
BogRollBOGOF · 13/09/2025 13:12

I'm not sure how peri-menopause causes 47 year old men to behave like untrained animals. 🤷‍♀️

If OP was in her 20s or 30s and dating him, she'd quickly dump him for these traits. And often it's familiarty breeds contempt. He's comfortable, lazy and complacent and has given up on self-respect let alone respect for OP or being a role model to their children.

The only way the marriage can be saved is if he recognises his behaviours and is willing to change them. Some like snoring are more problematic (although if triggered by excessive weight, especially around the neck, or sleep apnoea there can be progress) but are more tolerable if he's not being repulsive the rest of the time.

But to sink to not having an issue with snot hanging off your nose is such a low bar, that the odds of him wanting to change are pretty dismal.

tothelefttotheleft · 13/09/2025 12:52

@suki1964

I don't know why you chose to live like this.

@UtterlyHumiliated

He blows his nose in his hands and you stay with him?

1457bloom · 13/09/2025 12:29

I am telling my children not to get married.

Callipygion · 13/09/2025 12:28

You’ve got ‘the ick’, and from the sound of him I don’t blame you, there’s no going back.

TheSquashyHatofMrGnosspelius · 13/09/2025 12:17

Pinktize · 12/09/2025 23:58

@Lifesd he often eats his dinner really fast and it gives him hiccups/discomfort snd he leaves the table and goes lies on the floor and groans or he just lies on the sofa. Leaving me and the kids. They find it hilarious this groaning bloke hiccuping but I dont. I know I sound like a miserable cow!

I've only just read this post.

If he has done this more than two or three times, I think it's hopeless. He is incapable of changing what he does even though he knows he is going to suffer. That speaks volumes about a person. There is nothing more unattractive than ....can't think of the word....he's being thick isn't he? A lack of an enquiring mind and reasoned thought would be well into ick territory for me too OP.

Does he do the rolling around like a pony with colic as a performance for your benefit? Would he do it if you were not present?

Pretty much everything you describe would make me want to run screaming out the door too.

My cousins husband has the most appalling table manners. I have never seen anyone bolt their food like he does. He will eat two courses and drink a pint of beer before everyone else has barely started on their main course and all with his mouth open and his jaw clicking like a fucking metronome. He's like a starving Victorian peasant that hasn't eaten for ten days. She doesn't seem to notice or she has found a way to ignore it. All credit to her in that case. She made a comment once about him having evolved to absorb food through the skin of his face because on that occasion there was more on his boat than on his plate. I wanted to say that there is nothing about him that is 'evolved' but I love her so I didn't.

It's OK to leave for any reason or no reason. You don't need anyone's permission.

MNetters are great for holding members hands and giving advice through divorces.

Pessismistic · 13/09/2025 11:58

Pinktize · 12/09/2025 23:58

@Lifesd he often eats his dinner really fast and it gives him hiccups/discomfort snd he leaves the table and goes lies on the floor and groans or he just lies on the sofa. Leaving me and the kids. They find it hilarious this groaning bloke hiccuping but I dont. I know I sound like a miserable cow!

You’re not a miserable cow you are miserable with him. For you to stay you might have to pretend to be happy can you do that? are you depressed? Your at a point where he disgusts you it would have to be a two way effort and he would have to be told what the problem is so he can change he’s not a mind reader. Sit him down tell him straight then see what comes from this conversation sometimes cruel to kind works.

TheSquashyHatofMrGnosspelius · 13/09/2025 11:47

I can only speak for myself but in your shoes, I would leave if I was at that stage and failing that, I would make a plan. Currently you are drifting.

If I wasn't going to leave anyway, I would get legal advice so I have knowledge and then I would give it six months or a year during which I would make effort, talk to him and maybe continue the counselling.

I know myself well enough now (old) to know when I'm done. If I wasn't sure, I would have to throw everything at it so that if it did end, at least I knew I had tried to my utmost ability and it still failed.

It comes down to if you are pissed off with him or if you are properly done done @Pinktize

Beachtastic · 13/09/2025 10:38

ilovemeahack · 13/09/2025 09:33

The fact that he tells you to fuck off when you ask him to roll over when snoring so you can actually sleep sounds like he doesn’t have much respect for you. My husband often snores on his back and HATES being woken up but when I do and tell him he needs to go on his side, he rolls over. If he told me to fuck off, I don’t think we’d make our 22nd wedding anniversary!

Same! My DH mutters "sorry"!

Agree wih PPs that physical revulsion is the symptom of more sinister undercurrents in the marriage. My DH sometimes presents in ways that would raise a few eyebrows on MN, but is so kind and loving and funny that I find even his occasional "gross" moments absolutely adorable.

Luckyingame · 13/09/2025 10:29

Don't be around him, then. You clearly cannot stand him.