To find my husband disgusting

My parents split when I was 4, and DM brought us up. I have no recollection of him as a father. We saw him the odd time, but he was absolutely useless and the little contact we had soon disappeared.

I'm so glad I don't have any memory of him being abusive towards DM and that I didn't have to suffer him throughout my childhood.

LTB. Staying together for the kids is never the win you think it will be. His example is not a good example - better to be around it only 50% max of the time rather than all the time. And the kids need you on good form, not permanently disgusted.

But you will, and you can clearly model a way of life they can aspire to. They can see that there are choices. That’s better than the model being their dad’s way or no way, while
mum sneers and seethes with anger and revulsion (no judgement from me on that, btw, given what you’ve described).

Hi Op he’s making your life hell now. if you can afford it and can cope with shared custody go for it. Honestly there is no right age but you can change there lives by moving out for the good he’s a pig & abusive if he’s not man enough to take the criticism to fix the marriage that’s on him not you. What if the kids grow up to be more like him and when there teens and turn on you there will be 3 of them making it harder for you. Go to counselling for yourself in the meantime let out your feelings then you might be able to see clearly what you want and need. Waiting until there 18 is going to be hard.

Me too, both had very differently personalities, DM was passive, DF was aggressive, they couldn't hide the hidden resentments that caused a lot of trauma, even though they tried.

I spent my childhood living in a house with two parents who didn't get on. Believe me, that fucked me up way more than having two happy but separate parents ever could have.

What if he is? Not OP's job to fix him. Sounds like enough is enough! I struggle to imagine a future where they somehow magically ignite the romance and fun of a honeymoon period!

Re your question about the children, OP, the younger the better, surely? My entire adolescence was blighted by worrying about my mum. I lay in bed every night praying for a better life for her, but my prayers were never answered. Apart from making me miserable, it absolutely ruined my perspective of what marriage should look like and I stuck with what I now realise was a very abusive first marriage through gritted teeth for many years.

I'd be honest with him, tell him he needs to put in some effort. Even the basics would be an improvement.
BTW DC are very aware or think that it is normal to dislike your spouse, not a good foundation for their futures relationships.

I can understand how you are feeling @Pinktize and how you are concerned for any impact on your children but they do pick up on resentments quite quickly and maybe already have.

I’m older than you but have separated from my partner after similar feelings. Annoyance over not washing up after cooking for days on end, not cleaning the bathroom after using it, constantly watching things on his phone no matter which room he was in (it’s like he had a ‘soundtrack’ of American voices with him constantly 😁). He didn’t brush his teeth at night or floss and the smell was awful.

I think in my situation we moved in together too quickly but ultimately, he carried on living the same lifestyle that he followed when he lived on his own. I should maybe have raised issues more directly but at the time thought ‘why should I have to tell a man in his late 40s to brush his teeth better or to leave the kitchen in a decent state?’. If you decide to live with another person, then you need to consider how your behaviour impacts them.

I’m not perfect by any stretch of the imagination but I left our shared living areas in a usable state and ensured good hygiene around him. Ultimately we just had different lifestyles and standards I think. My partner was otherwise a kind person and that can make it hard to separate but you deserve peace and a feeling of contentment in your own home.

OP You mention "alcoholic" Could it be a depressed person using alcohol to hide behind?

If he’s repulsing you like this, you don’t need therapy.

Just make plans to leave. No relationship can function like this.

What is better is divorcing whilst you’re young and can move on with your life.

Honestly if you Divorce now it will soon be the new normal to them and they will hardly be able to remember living altogether, they’ll just have memories of having a happy Mum.

Please dont stay “for the sake if the DC”. Having you disrespected and unhappy is not in their interests.

I think this clearly shows you are in a coercive abusive relationship.
He is a deliberately dusgusting pig.
He has chosen to be this way to grind you down.
It is an abusive tactic.
He will encourage your sons to be like him.
To treat you with disrespect too.
They will turn out like him despite your efforts because he is their male role model.

I think you really need to stop trying to fix yourself to accept an abusive relationship and look for real help to leave.

Plan carefully.
Take your time.
Can you move out of the bedroom?
Any hint of aggression from him, call the police.
So many people wish their parents had separated rather than stayed together.

What happens to him is not your concern.
He is deliberately abusing you.
Coercive control is a crime.

What is your housing, work and family situation?
Do you have support?

I was you a decade ago. I lost all respect for DP due to his behaviour. We stopped eating meals together because I couldn’t stand the open-mouthed chewing as he bolted his food. We slept in separate rooms because he wouldn’t seek advice about his sleep apnoea. I’d walk past the lounge and see him slouched in front of the TV scratching his balls or picking his nose and find myself sneering in disgust.

It doesn’t get better. Once you feel contempt for your partner, you can’t fix that. The resentment simmers away under the surface poisoning the whole relationship.

I left when our boys were 10 and 14. They were fine. We told them we were still a family of four, would still do stuff together… we just couldn’t live as a couple anymore.

Bizarrely my relationship with ex improved greatly once we no longer lived together. He’s now one of my best friends.

Life is too short to be miserable. Do what makes you and your children happy. Be brave.

Younger for all the reasons already said.

You have the ick. It’s time to leave!

I left when mine was 2.5, and I finally went because she had actually shouted at her father not to shout at me. I didn’t want her to grow up thinking that our relationship was any kind of model to follow. I didn’t want her feeling she had to protect me. It took me a long time, I was very scared of what he might do and how he might react. But I (eventually) found peace and she as a teenager can choose to take refuge with me if she feels the need. Fortunately she has only done that once, in general he is far better behaved with her than he was with me.

I would honestly rip that plaster off. He’ll do what he’ll do, but he’s using emotional manipulation to control you and keep you there. That’s not on. If he goes for 50:50 and doesn’t step up to meet their needs, they’ll choose to spend more time with you later on. And you can teach them that if they want girl or boyfriends later in life, to look after their manners and hygiene and to see their partner as a person! Staying with him shows them that his behaviour is acceptable.

It is better to go sooner rather than later. Take your time and prepare though --

✓ Start with all of your legal documents. Get everything in order for you and the children and put originals into a bank vault.

✓Have an initial meeting with a solicitor and make sure you are absolutely clear on the steps you need to take.

✓Depending on the ownership structure of your home and legal advice, take steps to let him know your plans and get him out of the family home.

✓Make sure you have your own bank account, one credit card and a utility bill that is just in your name.

If I were you, I'd be making alternative sleeping arrangements if at all possible. Just while you are sorting your arrangements out. You can say it's because you are feeling unwell, sore back, anything really - just don't make it about him. He will just strong arm you into acquiescing back to sleeping in the bedroom.

Your boys need you to be strong, they need you to show them a different way. That will be your gift to them.

5 and 4! There’s no way you can stick it out for another 14 years- that’s ludicrous. Almost half of marriages end in divorce. You are catastrophising what will happen. Divorce is common- awful but doable and necessary for many.

Much better when they're young. Adaptable and able to accept change before adolescence bulldozes in. Getting them settled in their new normal before that happens is wise.

I bet you are in peri. Your 'like me like me aren't I pretty have babies with me' hormones are beginning to drop and the 'what the actual fuck is this?' hormones (that were there all along) are being revealed. Your inclination and ability to put up with shituations will plummet further.

We're supposed to like, love, respect, fancy, enjoy being with our partners. That is the point. When they consistently fail to do anything that might help that, and persistently do things instead that disappoint, offend and repulse - we have a problem. And when they announce that expecting anything else is unreasonable and too much, then the relationship is toast.

If this was your house to begin with, bear in mind that as your husband co owns it.

He will probably do the demanding 5050 thing as a 'control you / get out of child maintenance' thing.

See a solicitor. Find out both your rights and responsibilities. Where you stand. Knowledge is essential.

Right now you are presenting your sons with a role model, a blueprint for how to behave towards women. What a wife is worth. What relationships are.

You could present them instead with an example of how women can and do say 'no, not having it and am not inflicting it on the kids.'

The younger your kids are when you leave the better. It gets harder for them to adapt as they get older. If they're young they won't know/remember much different in a few years. If they are teens, they will be easily disrupted.

You can't live like this.

This is also modeling to your boys how to treat women, how women don't care if you're gross and how women are there just to be the housewives no matter how rubbish it is for them. Do you want them to be like him at 47? I mean it's 47! It's still perfectly young enough to be fit and sexy. 40s isn't old! There is no excuse for being gross and acting like an old man. Who would want that?!

You only have one life, you are wasting it if you just stick it out and tread water, ignoring him as much as possible. Your children won't thank you as adults, believe me. There is more to life