Am I Being Unreasonable? Friend Upset I Won't Go Away for Her Birthday

Why does it always have to involve going away though? It’s not about leaving my children for me, although I was knackered a lot of the time and it was logistically difficult at times too - I just hate overnights and whole weekends. Being an introvert it’s just too much. Why ‘quick’ dinners? What’s wrong with a normal dinner. A spa day is a whole day? Why’s that a problem?

If I’ve got ‘no friends left’ when my children are grown up, just because I didn’t want to go away for the weekend, then we probably weren’t compatible anyway. And that’s ok.

No it's not that the friend who's 'not clearly as important' as people who have children..... she's not as important to parents as their children are...

Bingo & bang on. 100%

And what’s more men don’t ditch their friends nearly as often women do post baby. Women are way more likely to wrap themselves up in a bubble with a child. But a child is a child for a short time. And children don’t want a parent who has no interests outside of them.

Not extreme at all.

We were friends from 18. It changed when we all had young children. It's changed again now that we're all nearing retirement.

One of my friends moved to the NL. We both booked a holiday at the same holiday park and had a couple of days hanging out together. Neither of us left our children overnight.

You don’t have to stay overnight to not completely neglect somebody.

I find this post horrendous. The OP has described her friend as “lonely” not some selfish, demanding diva.

OP if you don’t want to be that friend quite simply don’t be. If you think your friend is lonely and needs support give her one night. It’s hardly a big deal to leave a toddler with her own father for one night.

I wouldn’t encourage you to adopt a me & mine approach because it’s quite frankly heartless & ruthless.

My children see me having friends. It’s good for them to see that mummy has friends, that I have my own life outside of them, they also have a relationship with my friends, & I model friendship for them including caring for another person. I hope my children have many friends as relationships & human connection is what life is about.

And if this friend doesn’t have a baby? She’s destined to a life of quick dinners or spa days with one eye on the babysitter clock because she’s clearly not AS important as everyone who does have children? I have a few friends who don’t have partners or children but my having one doesn’t mean those friends are less important to me, nor that they don’t deserve people taking time to celebrate them.

This is why we see so many posts from people whose children have grown and they look round and realise they’ve got no friends left.

Yes. My friends wouldn’t travel 6 hours to see me for lunch and then go home again.

I don’t know anyone who never leaves their children ever. Sounds extreme.

Exactly.

Must we?

We didn't ever leave our children to go away to celebrate one person's birthday for a whole weekend.

I wouldn't have had any interest in that either before or after children really.
Perhaps one night away close by, but not a weekend away.
I think it is a lot to ask and you shouldn't feel obliged.
If you wanted to, that would be different.

Because I didn't want to be away from a young child and none of my friends left theirs at that age.

Also, none of us believed that our birthdays were important enough to expect our friends to give up a whole weekend. Even before any of us had kids, we'd have thought a whole weekend for one person's birthday was bonkers.

She's clearly pretty obtuse if she has to ask such questions. If she wanted you to come she should've phrased it in a more positive way. Not criticizing you and not understanding the responsibility of parenthood.

Something more like 'oh, it would mean so much to me if you could be there. I know it might be tricky with childcare. Have you left Pandora with someone overnight before? Do you think her dad/your mum could take over so you'd be able to make it?'

So I think you shouldn't feel bad about refusing. Her reaction wasn't really reasonable. You say she's 'lonely'? That makes it sounds like she's not much fun to be around? So overall you'd be best off leaving it.

If you do still want the friendship just arrange to meet her for a belated birthday meal when she returns.

You are not unreasonable at all. When your friend has a baby, she will understand. Don't worry, she'll get over it.

You must all live locally then? My friends live all over the place so we routinely visit each other and have weekends away, with and without children.

Newsflash

I said me not you.

It would have been daft for anyone who knew me to think I'd want to do it.

You don’t want to be that friend, but you are being that friend. A 17 month old can be left with dad for one night.

Ditto.

Would have been daft to suggest it in my friendship group. None of us ever suggests anything longer than a meal.

It’s completely normal for a mum not to want to leave their 17 month old child - she’s not even two years old yet, why would you want to leave her to party at someone else’s birthday?!

If some mums want to go, good for them. But you don’t, so why on earth would any decent human being try to make you feel guilty for putting your own offspring first?

This person pressuring you is not really a friend, she’s a selfish person who doesn’t really care about your heart, and she certainly doesn’t care about your child.

A true friend supports you in making decisions that work for you, with your highest interests, needs and wishes in mind.

Shes being the child in this instance. Foolish woman. Fancy trying to insist that a mum with a toddler should leave him/her behind when she clearly doesn’t want to - for a whole weekend at that!

Shes not asking you because you need the break, she’s selfish and wants to feel special regardless of the cost to others.

Ever wonder why this person doesn’t have many friends?!?

You know, this is the beautiful gift that your little child is giving you - clarity about who you should have in your life and who you can leave behind - and should leave behind if you want to become the best role model ever for your child.

Being a Mum is so cool, you start to see what doesn’t serve you, and likely never did.

Have the best weekend with your child at home, and give him/her extra kisses for opening your eyes and making room for newer truer friendships in the future.

You remind me of me several years ago. I hope you wise up quicker than I did.

You don’t ever have to sacrifice your role and/or desires as a mother to pander to other peoples selfish feelings. Whether that’s for a weekend, a lifetime, a day, or even 5 minutes. Heck, you don’t even have to babysit other people’s feelings even if you have no children!

What are you worried will happen if you say no to her?

I think it depends on how good a friend she is, and your reasons. I have a good friend that life has dealt a rough card, she’s single without kids (though she’d have dearly loved to have them) and has a reasonably small social circle. We spent a lot of time together before I had DS but naturally less now. I’d be very upset to think that she felt lonely and sad for something like this though, so as much as I don’t particularly want to leave my similar age DS (with his more than capable Dad) I would put our friendship first and do it, if I could afford to.

Maybe you have/had specific circumstances but if not it begs the question…Why is it daft?

I went away before both DC were 17 months. I had a great time to relax and get away, DH had a great time with the DC and they enjoyed themselves too.

I wouldn’t leave my 17 m.o either. I don’t really see the need for a weekend celebration for an adults birthday and it certainly doesn’t trump my dc needs. I agree with pp to do dinner or a 3 hour day spa or something else. If she declines fine but you offered an alternative. And if the friendship falters after you declining a weekend birthday celebration it wasn’t a strong friendship to begin with. She may want to be the center of attention on her birthday but your dc IS the center of your attention.

Newsflash....not all mother's feel like that. I could and did go away for whole weekends and once a 5 day break with DH when kids were toddlers. It's not daft to suggest it.

I would and did leave my children at that age and younger over night.

I understand you are tired OP but one night away resting relaxing and uninterrupted sleep might be a lot more restful than being at home

Only you can decide your reasons for not going and if you value the friendship enough to try.