Am I Being Unreasonable? Friend Upset I Won't Go Away for Her Birthday

All these posters expecting the OP to justify why she doesn’t want to go. Some people just aren’t in to ‘girly’ weekends whether they have kids or not. It’s a choice.

Also it's unreasonable of the friend to put pressure on you when you've said no thanks. That's not on

And what’s more men don’t ditch their friends nearly as often women do post baby. Women are way more likely to wrap themselves up in a bubble with a child

So true @the7Vabo then they complain that their partners are out and they are stuck at home with no life. No one is asking a mother to give herself up completely, that's all on her.

I think it's actually a very good thing to leave babies with their dad - so many women I know don't leave their children with their husband because they're useless or 'can't cope' - I've been on nights out when friends have had a phone call from their partner saying you'll have to come home because they can't get the children to go to bed/eat dinner/behave. Honestly, it's pathetic! I say start the way you mean to go on and make sure your child is fine being looked after by either parent. It's not unreasonable for your friend to ask you to come away for a weekend - why don't you want to go?

Bit of a generalisation about all uk mums

Well yes. I have ‘Mum friends’ with whom meet ups are an hour at the park or maybe a few drinks on a pre-planned night out. But I also have non-Mum friends who want to do a bit more, and why shouldn’t they? If I refuse everything they ask because it’s not totally convenient for me then they won’t remain friends and I’ll just be left with those that I only have a similar age DC in common with. That’s all well and good now, but perhaps not when the DC are 5, or 15, or 25.

Are you friends with the other person going?

Would you want to go if you didn't have a child?

Does your friend usually expect you to spend entire weekends 'celebrating her? Or is this a one off for a special birthday.

If I didn't know the other person going and didn't want to spend an entire weekend with them then I wouldn't want to go either. It's quite a lot of free / family time to give up just for a birthday, when most people are fine with a meal / party.

If you know and like the other person and its a big birthday or one off / you think you'd have fun then I'd maybe do it.

I think some of the posts on here are a bit mad. I wouldn't have left my toddler at that age, I was still breastfeeding for one thing, and they wouldn't have understood that i was coming back in a few days. Plus they were always ill and clingy from being in nursery only a few months, I was knackered from settling back into work after mat leave, picking up all the nursery bugs etc and felt like I was struggling to manage everything...it was just such an intense time. 12 months later everything was much more settled and I'd have gladly have had a night away.

I don't think not wanting to leave an 18 month old for a whole weekend means you have no life outside of being a parent, you're a bad friend and you'll end up lonely! If you're still like that when your child starts school then the posters saying all this will have a point but not at 18 months

And where are all the 'birthday celebrations are for children' 'be grateful for just a card and present', 'you can't expect people to put themselves out just because you're another year older' people that I was expecting on this thread!?

I would hope this is unusual. Most men would be more than able to mind a 17 month old.

I see where she is coming from, I would expect a sensible compromise is one night only with a reasonable travel time. If you still said no then if I was her I would be annoyed. Mothers need to be with little babies, but a 17 month old isn't a newborn. The question is why you don't want to go. If you can't manage a night trusting DH with baby then I'd suggest you have control issues. Why do you think youll feel any different if baby was 2 or 3? If leaving the baby is ok but you just don't want to be with her then it's a friendship issue. Motherhood is exhausting no matter what, sometimes a change is as good as a rest as they say and you might feel re energised afterwards. If it's tiredness you are afraid of then I think you'll find it will be better to go.

You know, you’re right, thank you for calling it out. I’m jumping to conclusions because the OP sounds so much like me, and that situation triggered many that I experienced and learnt about the hard way. Plus I’ve literally just been on the receiving end of someone who once used to be deeply important to me, sending me some abuse, as I no longer put myself or my children last. But that’s not an excuse.

I apologise for being presumptuous and letting my distress project into assumptions.

People without children do not understand what it’s like to be a mum. And I found that my innermost friends circle changed for this very reason after I had children.

That being said, I still do encourage the OP to assess whether her friend is a true friend or not. The friends response at being upset and adding further pressure by questioning the mother why she didn’t want to leave her child, feels like there’s no way the OP can win.

Anyway, I’m glad you called me out for making assumptions instead of asking clarifying questions. I’ve never posted on here before, and tonight was a bad time to start!

I'd do it for my best friend - even if it was an effort because I'd want to be there for her and know that I would enjoy spending the time with her once actually there. When DC was 17 months I was back at work and had to have the occasional overnight work travel anyway so leaving DC with dad wasn't an issue.

Depends how far away it is.

I am struggling to see why a parent can't leave a 17 month old for one night with its other parent.

Would people be shocked at a dad going away overnight and leaving a 17 month old with their mum?

Hi Op don’t have to go if you don’t want to. Maybe she thought it would be nice for you and her to have some girls time. Could you go if it was one night? If not just leave her to be upset it’s not nice if you’re not wanting to go. Just a thought but if it was the other way around would you be upset?

Wow. You do know that having children doesn't somehow elevate you to be some kind of higher being?

I would have been the same when DD was under 2. I'd use her as an excuse not to go anywhere. I was so tired all the time. When I had a night off parenting, I just wanted to sleep in my own bed (well spare room). Not to be away, going out and about. Dinner and home by ten was ok, but nothing beyond that. Now she's 16 and I'm going away for a week with my best friend for her significant birthday.

I went away for 2 nights to have another baby. They managed but DM helped. DH didn’t do much apparently. No, I would not have left him with DD. He could not be trusted with safety.

What a shame! Birthday weekends with friends are wonderful.

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I didn't say they were 18 before I was away from them. They have been away to camp, done sleepovers, school journeys, stayed with grandparents. Not at 17 months.

My friendship group never had a weekend away while our kids were young.
None of us has ever had a birthday weekend.

You're in different life stages now. You are the mom of a young toddler, you're exhausted, and you really don't want to take a weekend away now.

Your friend isn't getting that things do change when someone has a child. Their former priorities aren't as important because there's a big new priority that needs taking care of. Yes, a child comes before a friend. A whole weekend to celebrate her birthday doesn't work for you.

And you can go away for a night & your children will be absolutely fine with their own father. As they would be if the parents were separated, or the mother had to work nights, or if they were is nursery all day.

Genuinely, you two sound compatible as friends. I’m fine with meeting up for dinners and day trips. I just get stressed with constant requests to go away for the night and weekends. Can’t you have different friends for different things?

It's not just guilt. It can be logistics. And just being tired. A weekend away when you work full time and have young kids sounds exhausting - rather than fun. An evening out would be great though.

Until what age?

It’s unusual to never spend a night away from your children until they turn 18.