Am I Being Unreasonable? Friend Upset I Won't Go Away for Her Birthday

I wouldn't have wanted to leave mine overnight at that age either. Nothing to do with guilt - I just missed them and didn't feel happy without them. I was still breastfeeding too and I would have spent the weekend leaking from my boobs and either in pain or having to go and pump at regular intervals.

People aren't weird if they enjoy an occasional night away with friends leaving their child with the other parent (or grandparents). Neither preference should be labelled weird.

Of course you'd prefer to be with your child, you'd be very weird if you didn't.

Love this!
Agree, this is all about your friend and she’s not thinking of you. You don’t need to be pushed in to something you don’t want to do in order to be a good friend.

You don’t have to go away with said friend in order not to neglect her.

If you don’t want to go, don’t. You can kindly explain why it’s not right for you and suggest an alternative way you can celebrate. I’ve found that some child-free friends just don’t get it and that’s ok; you don’t need to convince them that you’re right/they’re wrong.

It’s okay to not want to go. I’d have not wanted to before or after children. I’m just not fussed for weekends away unless it’s with my sister.

i had a couple of friends wanting to go abroad for my milestone birthday and it’s just not my vibe. I was made to feel uncomfortable for not fancying it. I see them less now and realise we just weren’t super compatible friends and that’s fine

@CheeseWisely There’s a difference between not liking it snd having a solution. I liked the money and it’s all very well demanding DH does things but it wasn’t going to happen so I took the lifestyle.

How much does this friend do for you? If she has supported you through milestones then I can understand her being upset that you don’t value hers.

Maybe you need to reassess your friendship and the balance. It isn’t about having to leave your child if you don’t have appropriate childcare options but you could do something else to acknowledge her birthday.

Maybe talk to her about what makes her feel appreciated and work from there rather than you are tired and don’t want to go.

I love this answer!

So you, as a mother and partner, are worried about her, and she, a single woman without children, is also worried about...her?

It's not your fault she doesn't have anyone.

Acting up because she can't sufficiently expand her friend and partner circle isn't your responsibility to manage.

Dinner is enough for you because you hae a full schedule. It's not enough for her because she doesn't have as much going onor as mamy people in her life and shes probably lonely and more dependent.

But as a wife and mother to a young child you're not at a stage to give more.

In that stage of my lofe, my friends and family fell over themselves to make lofe easiest for me as they knew how draining that stage is and empathised.

her lack of empathy would get my back up.

She's allowed her feelings, same as you.
You don't have to be manipulated by them.

Oh I’m not assuming, some of my ‘mum friends’ with DC the same age as mine have partners who cop-out of childcare too, and it is a cop-out. My skills don’t naturally run to babies and toddlers either but I’ve got one so I’ve fucking well worked at it. I’ve no time for Men (or Women) that claim incompetency.

I spent time away from my toddler but no i would not go on this weekend away,, it is not a work event if you dont want to go on a weekend away you dont want to go on a weekend away, you are not her therapist

The fact she is deliberately trying to guilt trip you means she is not a friend

If she won't accept just dinner and a show or whatever she's a pushy, over entitled twatbag.

Your toddler is a red herring. It doesn't matter why you don't want to go. You have every right not to want to leave your kid, if that's how you feel, but it really doesn't matter your reasons.

You don't want to go. So that's that.

Any adult that makes such a big deal of their birthday is being unreasonable AFAIC. If she wants to celebrate with you, why isn’t she up for a nice dinner and instead, insisting you do a weekend away? The older I get, the less patience I have for this sort of thing

@CheeseWisely I’ve no doubt your DH has been amazing. I discovered mine wasn’t. However he earned a lot, and that took some effort. Unfortunately his skills didn’t run to dc. Modern men are usually more keen but don’t assume all are. My DD has been saying how poor some dads are among her friends. It’s just how it is. DH didn’t get babies or toddlers and didn’t have a close relationship with his parents. So you think they will break the mould, but they don’t.

"who is single with no kids and a very lonely person"

Don't go. This person doesn't need 'friends' who think of her in this way.

I only read your replies op. Is there a reason why you can't spend a night away from your 17 month old? Your friend obviously means a lot to you so if you have a partner and your dc has no issues is there a reason why you can't make it work? It's so easy when in the tough toddler years to forget that your child grows up so it's important not to alienate your friends completely in the meantime

@LaundryGarden She means literally the opposite of what she wrote.

I can’t imagine asking a friend to choose between our friendship and her baby, which is effectively what she’s doing.

if you don’t want to go just be honest and suck up the consequences.

My DD's dad did his share, and I was also lucky enough to have two grandmothers who would happily babysit. But sometimes I just didn't have the energy to do things. I didn't drop my friends or become a martyr to my child, I just prioritised my free time differently. My best friend (never in long-term relationship, no kids) never guilt tripped me about refusing an invitation. I think OP is not unreasonable to refuse to go this time, it's unfair of friend to complain.

Can't say I would have a problem leaving a young one this old with hubby or grandparents not like a new born or 1 year old. In fact left all 3 for a special birthday and hubby had a fine weekend and there all under 3

I hate this mentality that if your life changes or you change you are being a bad friend for moving with the change. Life’s change due to jobs, relationships, moving, having families etc… real friends accept that and real friends wish you luck, not sulk because you now have other priorities in your life.

i would be on the no side of this situation, not because I wouldn’t leave my 17 month old, I started leaving my first from 6 months old when I had to return to work and travel over night, some times several nights. My time at home was precious. I also didn’t prioritise nights out or holidays over paying my bills, childcare and family time. I had 4 friends who I would have done this for if they asked, 3 childless and still are would never have expected me too. They continued their chosen child free life's, nights out, nice restaurants and travelling and are happy I choose more home time with my family.

I can’t stand needy people any one who sulks if I say no to something wouldn’t be my friend for long especially if they made passive aggressive comments about my family. I would never hold it against anyone who said no to doing something with me.

Well that’s as oft-said around here a ‘DH problem’. I can’t fathom that my Husband couldn’t competently look after our 16 month old for as long as necessary without me. He’s been taking care of him solo for stretches of time since I started pumping milk at 4 weeks.

You are allowed to say no. You are allowed to put yourself and your family before your friend.

It sounds like you don't want to go anyway. Do you not really enjoy spending time with her? Is she wanting a crazy night out and that's not your thing? Also, you say it's a whole weekend but it's 1 night away...how much time are we talking? Maybe you could just join for a portion of the plan.