Am I Being Unreasonable? Friend Upset I Won't Go Away for Her Birthday

It doesn't need to be a choice, you can have both!

I love being with my dc - and have never gone away without them. Now they are adult, we are super close and I am so glad I didn’t give away the precious time to others, I prioritised my time with them.

I wouldn’t want to leave my young child either. You don’t need to explain or apologise. She is being rude by insisting. I would distance myself a little. She is being very pushy. Offer a dinner and no more. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do op. It’s not your job to be her entertainment.

Some women when they become mothers dont see it as a hardship to be with their children 24/7, they want to do it and dont want to go do some random pointless activities. I had my time with my friends,now ifs time to make memories with my kids, only time im away from mine is when im in hospital and then too we video call or i play games with them (animal crossing etc)

you absolutely are not, she might need to find some new friends or hobbies because your lives are completely different and going down different paths. Is she “child and partner free” by choice?

I wouldn’t go, be aware that she’s outsourcing her emotions to you making you responsible for how she feels. No should be enough and if she can’t understand that, it’s on her not you.

Friendships aren't dependent on spending nights away from your toddler. Don't let yourself be strong armed into what you're not comfortable with. Your dc will only be tiny for a while. Your friend might feel exactly the same if she has a dc in future and you'll be annoyed you let yourself be pushed into it

But that's not why she said she wasn't going. That would totally fine. If she'd said "I've been invited to X event and I hate those kinds of events and yes I've tried them before" then fine. It's the idea that it's ridiculous to imagine she might leave her 17m old that people are reacting to. Some will, some won't but it's not an insane, unthinkable suggestion.

But was that because hed never been given the space to learn when baby was tiny? Obviously everyone can parent in their own way but I do find it sad that so many subsume their lives into "mum" so completely. My now ex DH was a perfectly competent father and held the fort when I went to visit friends, most of whom live hours away so often an overnight. Then when we split up my young children were away from me for weeks at a time in the school holidays. Now they're teens they know that occasionally I'll be out or away and I don't drop everything just because they'd prefer me to be hanging around just in case they decide to spend half an hour on the sofa with me. I have a friend who has never travelled more than an hour from her daughters as they grew up. They are now older teens and she's massively struggling to construct some kind of life for herself.

said, "Can't you spend one single night away from your toddler?"

”Yes, I can but why would I want to?”

This excuse that friends who don’t have children don’t understand is horse shit. If they really don’t understand that’s ok, they don’t have to. What they do have to do is accept that them not understanding something doesn’t make it wrong.

If adults want to make a big deal of their birthday good for them, why not, no one is too old for fun. What they are too old for is expecting everyone they ask to come along and celebrate them, because that’s basically what a birthday celebration is, should be willing and able to do so.

Mums are allowed to enjoy spending time with their friends and there's nothing weird about it! Being a mum doesn't need to be your whole identity!

I think the first sentence nails it.

OP, is this less about your reluctance to leave your DC, and more that you don't like this friend enough to spend a whole weekend with her?

I ask because while I don't have kids, I do have a friend who sounds like yours. A good friend and a lovely person, but very lonely. And her loneliness has caused her to be self-absorbed. (Or her self-absorption has driven people away and caused her to be lonely. It's a rather vicious cycle).

Whenever we catch up, she rambles on about herself, her childhood, her work, her health, and the various dramas that are happening in her life (and she seems to lurch from one mini-drama to another). The last time we caught up for a coffee, her topics of conversation were:

• an infestation of carpet moths in her house;
• her stress at work and her issues with her supervisor;
• her sore ankle, which she sprained tripping over a rake in her garden; and
• a trip to a seaside town she took with her grandparents when she was seven, and all the various things they saw and did there.

I love my friend, but I often come away from our catch-ups feeling emotionally drained, and frankly, rather bored. I'm happy to see her in small doses, but there's no way I could spend an entire weekend with her. (And she has asked me to travel with her before, and I've had to come up with excuses to decline).

OP, perhaps your friend is similar?

I agree, I think it’s unreasonable to judge someone as not being a good friend for not wanting to go, however.

It’s not unreasonable to ask, but when someone says no, it’s unreasonable to continue to pressure them, which is what the friend is doing.

OP doesn’t want to go, she doesn’t need any other reason.

Yes 2 or more friends mutually deciding to go away for a weekend is perfectly normal planning a weekend away and expecting a friend to go and if they say no having a go at them is not

You shouldn’t be guilted into a weekend away, it’s reasonable to not want to leave your child or to be exhausted from parenting/work etc and to not want to go.

your friend should be able to understand that but it sounds like she relies on you to be her family, which may be more than you can give at this time.
There’s nothing wrong with having boundaries in friendships, I’d just say you would love to do a meal together but currently an overnight isn’t feasible.
my sister is single, she lives quite far away but we speak on the phone every week. I have 3 kids , 2 have Sen and my life is very chaotic and busy. She gets annoyed if I can’t give her the full hour to chat with out interruptions but sometimes it’s not possible . I think it feels to her like she’s not important to me, but of course she is it’s just I have more priorities at times.

You can't always get what you want, but it's not an unreasonable suggestion for a birthday. In our family the birthday person chooses, within reason,how to celebrate. A trip away is not odd, selfish or unusual.

If op has a 7 month old I would say no, don't go, but I'm struggling to see why she can't leave a 17 month old with another live-in parent. Unless she doesn't trust the other parent to parent.

You can’t always get what you want. Friendship isn’t about guilting your friends into going away with you because you’re lonely. There has to be compromise. OP is still happy to see her friend.

It's not the gauge of a good friend. It's just what this particular friend would like to do for their birthday. It's not particularly unusual! They haven't asked friends to go sky diving or bungee jumping with them.

OP, ignore anyone pressuring you to go. Your gut is telling you not to go, listen to it. You are allowed to not to want to leave your toddler.

The issue about you being exhausted is separate. Is everything ok at home work?

We also had weekends away without our child i have no issue being without our child for short break but if a friend wants to guilt trip because they think the only reason i dont want to go away is my child they are in the wrong

People can make choices not child related

I think that if you wanted a weekend away enough and liked your friend enough you’d do it. Have times changed since my daughter was that age 20+ years ago? Me and then DH would take her to stay with my parents when we had the occasional big night out and I went away on business more than once and left her in the hands of her very capable father.
She doesn’t appear to have suffered any lasting damage and I find this thread frankly unbelievable.

I didn't want to leave my children with nursery/childminder when this young so sahm. I did trust my Mil though so could have gone for a week-end if I wanted to. But it sounds as you don't want to so don't. She's entitled to put pressure on you so no wonder she doesn't have a lot of friends.

Could you not manage some of the trip? Maybe daytime activities or 1 night. Sometimes doing something different can revitalize you if you are feeling tired. Do you have someone you trust to look after toddler?
Do you actually want to continue this friendship?

But why is an overnight stay the gauge of a good friend? Why can’t going out for dinner or a walk or really anything that doesn’t involve staying somewhere not be enough? It sounds to me that some people like going away overnight, and some people don’t (or are too tired or stressed to), but the person that’s the good friend is the one that enjoys the overnight trips regardless is whether their friend wants to or not? It’s quite blinkered?