Am I Being Unreasonable? Friend Upset I Won't Go Away for Her Birthday

Did this friend spend hundreds on your hen do, wedding hotel and baby shower? If so you are being a horrible friend to not do one night away for her.
if you really can’t go them please do something else kind and thoughtful locally for her.

It's ok to not want to do something, even if the person who suggested it is looking to celebrate a special occasion or is lonely.

OP may not want to leave her child yet which is different for everyone. Or OP may not enjoy the kind of weekend her friend would want, if someone asked me to go out clubbing at this current stage of my life I wouldn't be too enthused. Or this friend may be hard work and a full weekend might be a little too much for OP right now.

It doesn't sound like OP and this friend are on the same page and unfortunately making this one weekend make it break for the friendship will only make things more fraught between them.

OP, I forgot to say - as a childfree person, I would not be upset at all if you didn't want to leave your toddler for a weekend, and would completely understand your situation! It sounds like you're happy to have dinner and/or drinks with your friend, which to me, is a perfectly reasonable compromise.

Yes, thankfully none of my friendships were dependent on overnight stays.

yep and that effort doesn’t have to be go away or you’re a shit friend. There’s a whole scale of effort

Sometimes going on a break and being ‘ready’ creates extra work. I’m sure OP wants to do nothing, if given the chance.

@NotSmallButFunSizeI completely agree with you. It’s all very well having an ‘I’m alright Jack’ attitude, until one day you’re not alright and everyone who might once have supported you has gone.

What are the logistics here OP? Is there any scope for offering to meet for a shorter period or dinner rather than a full weekend?

It's important to make time for your friends after becoming a mum. Even if you're happy to just spend time with your kids they are going to grow up and lose interest in you one day, especially if you have no personality because you've not had a life outside of them. I'd try and find some sort of a compromise here if you can.

The first time I left ds overnight was for a reunion type catch up with my closest uni friends ds would've been about the same age, it was one night he was with dh his dad, I was tired but I missed being myself and it's so hard to get everyone together at the same time because we all scattered after graduation. I was the first of that group to have a baby even though I was 34! My lovely lovely friends had already decided that as most of the rooms had more than one bed or were on the ground floor, there was a small cosy double room in the attic they allocated me by myself so I could get a good night sleep away from any noise. I had a wonderful day and evening, and a massive lay in, brunch with friends and went home in the afternoon. It was marvellous.

I didn't leave ds overnight with anyone other than dh until he was 3.5 (grandparents), so I do get it, but they're with their father and it's only one night. You might feel better for it.

Although i wouldn't have gone away with friends overnight when my kids were that age, I do think it's important to keep up friendships. I was widowed when my kids were 11 and 13 and was really glad I'd kept up friendships. They helped so much. Each in different ways.

You know when you read those threads where someone says something like "DH is in hospital and I don't drive and we live 30 miles from school so can't do the school run and got no food in and have absolutely not one single friend I can ask to help" and you wonder how people can literally know nobody or have any kind of "village" at all??

Well, now I have read this thread I understand! 😂

To have a Village you have to be a Villager and that means occasionally making an effort for your friends.

Not going away for the weekend isn't completely neglecting someone.
@Reasonablemary just tell her that a weekend won't work for you but is there something she'd like to do during the day. Even if you didn't have a toddler, it's ok not to go away for someone's birthday if you don't really want to!

YANBU. I would have hated having to leave mine at that sort of age. It would have been only for some real emergency.

Some of us don’t have grandparents for dc nearby or even grandparents alive. My DDs had one grandmother. Yes she helped but obviously not always available. Even grandparents have holidays.

I mean, one night away wouldn’t have been too much trouble for a friend who feels lonely. You could end up in her shoes if you don’t bother with friends.

Can you join them for the day but go home for the evening?

Everyone is different. Personally I would happily have gone away for a weekend when DS was that age. But only in England and only if DS was with DH, so I guess I'm in the middle of the scale. It's fine to be at either opposite end of the scale too.

I'd also personally never set an expectation of my friends of more than a meal or night out regardless. But I also think she may not 'get it' if she doesn't have children, which is understandable.

What stands out to me though is that you say you're exhausted so I'm not sure why you're not going for a break. If there's a drip feed that your DH is never left alone with your baby or something then that's a bigger issue.

Another item for when I compose my Elegy for a Wasted Life.

My dc are grown up now. I have so many friends and no issues at all. See above. I’m just saying to op you can shape the life you would like to have to suit you.

I have so many friends. I saw them with my very young dc for the first five years and had dinners after they were in bed.

Then we had parties and bbqs etc when the dc were older, and included dc in much of the socialising. We would have girls nights out every once in a while, and lunches when they were at school when we were free and not working.

Now we have larger dinner parties with friends and their adult dc, or go to concerts and outings together. I have never stayed overnight.

I enjoyed being at home and waking up dc. It’s never affected my friendships. They sometimes do the odd ski trip, but apart from that everyone is happy with the arrangements.

I love spending time with my 3 children too, but also love spending time with my friends as well. Just because you have friendships doesn't mean you don't love spending time with your kids. One day they will be all grown up and you might regret not keeping your friendships. Each to their own though and if only spending time with your kids makes you happy then good for you!

And so do I..very much. I have a brilliant relationship with my teens but we don't have to be in each others' pockets. Can you not understand nuance? That's it not an absolute? Liking to see my friends doesn't mean I don't like my kids 🙄

When did I say it was a hardship? What would be us giving up who I was before I had them..friends I've had all my life or for decades since university. As the pp said, you can do both. Being mum does not have to involve giving up everything else or limiting it to very short, small bursts.

We don’t need both, thanks all the same. We like being with our dc.

Do you have friends as well?