Am I Being Unreasonable? Friend Upset I Won't Go Away for Her Birthday

Each to their own but given the vast majority of people are interested in having friends, it's hardly a 'bizarre' concept! I think it's healthy for children to see their parents having their own relationships and friendships. It's a lot of pressure on a child, especially as they get older, if they are the only thing you have in your life.

Ssying effort is only needed for life events is great, unless you are the one who gotten engaged, married, baby etc.

So single women must be sure to celebrate other people’s life events, but tolerate having celebrating their birthday as unnecessary. .

I find this very sad. I love the company of other women. My friends are the family I’ve chosen.

My children don’t want to be my whole world, they are of course my priority not my whole world. I work, I have interests outside of them & I love spending time with friends. Having mum friends makes playgrounds way less boring for staters. Children stop being dependant remarkably quickly. My children (who are young primary school) like that I have friends.

My mum is approaching being elderly. My dad died over ten years ago, my only sibling lives abroad. I see a lot of her. But she is very lonely. She has some friends but having more would make her life so much less lonely & richer.

Friend is fully grown woman and is finding out what boss girl life is about-no kids no partner desperately clinging on to someone giving her attention. OPs life is on a different path,her child wants her mum than a needy adult

You are missing the point, we dont want both we want to be with our children. People who are desperate on having friends are bizarre and needy to me,last time i was interested in having a “friend” was when i was 7. I have aquitances who i have brief social chats with (while doing something with my kids etc) but noway i would take time away from my family to go spend time with some random people.

Nah. Nobody needs to go away for a weekend for their birthday.

This made me laugh, honestly it does seem like that sometimes.

The point is that this is what her friend has asked for, so I think it’s rude to say no thanks but we can do something I want to do. It’s not your birthday it’s your friend’s, and not being able to carve time out to do what she’s asked is just selfish, unless you have a reason such as finances or childcare, but just ‘I don’t want to’ is very rude. It’s not like she’s asked you to leave your child for a week away, it’s a weekend. I think a sense of perspective is needed. I wouldn’t bother with you as a friend if you couldn’t bother for something that’s important to me.

If you don’t want to go, don’t go.

Obviously you physically could leave the baby with your husband, and many people do, which is totally fine (I did). But if you don’t want to, I don’t see why you should have to spend money and time away from your baby just because someone else wants you to.

Could you suggest a dinner instead?

That sounds utterly selfish EMUKE.

Yes you’re happy at home, great, but why would it not be ok to sacrifice a couple of days to make your friend happy. If you’re a single parent without childcare I’d absolutely understand, but you’re not, you just don’t want to sacrifice your time for an important event for your friend, so why not say that and be honest. Also I see a lot of threads about ‘i can’t leave my child with their father’ the dad is just as responsible and should have equal time with the child, it all seems a bit needy to assume the dad can’t pick up the childcare. Yes you’ve had kids and your priority’s change, of course! But the rest of the world doesn’t stop existing, and the baby is not a newborn so you’re just being selfish IMO.

Mine is 9 and I’ve still not left her - OP, you’re not wrong. Your friend isn’t wrong either for asking you, but she would be wrong to push or make you feel guilty.

I think a whole weekend is a big ask, and no one should assume it’s ok or that it’s everyone’s idea of fun. It takes a lot of energy to be sociable all the time and of course you are exhausted with a small child. Explain that an afternoon or night out is enough for you at the moment.

You’ve answered your own question OP - you’ve said you don’t want to go, there’s nothing unreasonable about that.

i haven’t left my 19 month old yet either. You don’t have to justify your reasons if you don’t want to go.

Soon as you become a parent your responsibilities change. Priority’s are different. I wouldn’t go either she won’t understand and if your anything like me I’m happy at home. I’m happy with the hubs and my kids ensuring they are looked after and happy. I wouldn’t feel guilty, I find friends like this just aren’t on the page and that’s ok. Don’t go out of your way to please IMO

A significant numbers of Mners struggle socially, don’t have friends, and answer questions on ordinary fruendship dynamics rather as if they were speculating about the behaviours of an uncontacted tribe or alien species.

I’m not sure how to vote on this one. You shouldn’t be made to feel guilty if you don’t go OP but it may be good for you to go (get some rest and a break from parenting and nurture your friendship). If your friend has been to lots of events like hen dos and the wedding etc for you it is fair to be there at her event, even if it’s just a birthday. However I’ve also got a lonely friend who can be quite demanding at times, even though I love her and want to support her it can be too much (for example she won’t just meet for a coffee, she ends up spending the whole day with me and tries to make plans for the next day and next weekend, she gets upset when I have other plans). I’d try to compromise with her if you can, plan a day out together if you feel comfortable with that.

There appear to be a bunch of nutters on this thread who think not going away for a weekend for a birthday means you're not a good friend.

But, of course, that's utter fucking bollocks.

So don't go. She can have a dinner or a lunch with you instead, and accept that like a normal person.

Yes completely this. Going away for a weekend is not the only way to be a good friend and I am a bit shocked that anyone would suggest she is a poor friend for not wanting to go. There are so many other ways to see and support friends.

Well I'm not married, I'm planning to elope, not religious, didn't have a baby shower and my baby is under 1. But that aside I would try and suck it up for a good friend but a whole weekend is a lot and it doesn't sound like OP is actually that close to the birthday host, she mainly expresses guilt about her not having many other friends and being lonely. It's possible they don't really enjoy each other's company anymore.

It might be time for them both to reevaluate this friendship, unfortunately people can grow apart and not realize it's happening until things have grown quite distant

Entirely up to you whether you say yes or no to any invitation at any time.

But have a think about why you are saying no, you mention being exhausted. Is that because all night time wakings are falling to you maybe?

When my eldest was that age I was doing regular night shifts so I had to make sure my husband tuned in and got used to resettling them.

As you are exhausted then I think I would politely decline the trip but suggest a lovely meal out somewhere more local.

Yes, I wondered that too. It’s a pretty depressing opinion if so.

I wondered if she means she is now ahead of her friend in life because she is married and has a child.

Not really. If OP was to make the effort for such an event, it could be because these are hopefully once-in-a-lifetime, big life events and not what you’re implying (that friend has met some social standard in the eyes of OP 🙄). Birthdays are not comparable to an hen or wedding and not everyone thinks a big fuss / trip away is necessary.

Op, out of interest, if this was your friends hen do, or if this was her wedding which you needed to stay one night in a hotel for, would you attend then?
if not then it sounds like you’re not good friends Any more and you don’t value her friendship that much. If yes, you would, then you’re basically saying she’s only worth celebrating and making and effort for if she’s on the same life path as you, which is really unkind

Even if this was a good friend who had spent hundreds on your hen do, hotels for your wedding, attended and brought gifts to your baby shower and child’s christening and first bday?