Am I Being Unreasonable? Friend Upset I Won't Go Away for Her Birthday

Well, it seems that the ‘normal’/average MN poster has no friends so the concept of a birthday weekend is some sort of mythical fantasy…

Nah. What I said was she can be happy with a dinner or lunch, like a nomal person.

Don't try to jam words down people's throats, it makes you sound a bit dim.

I personally went away for my last birthday, but I am a normal person and not an over entitled lunatic, so if my friend couldn't have made it or simply said No thanks for any reason, I would have been happy with dinner, or lunch.

Like a normal person.

You keep saying "normal person" like a weekend away is some insane, bizarre request like asking someone to climb Everest. And she hasn't said her friend has or will "throw a fit". Why are you so determined to up the ante on this? Id the op doesn't want to go, then ok, but I do think unless you'd viscerally hate it or actually COULDN'T go and you know it would mean a lot to friend, then do go. I completely get the idea of not people pleasing and being assertive but there's also being selfish, inert and a bit thoughtless. Only the OP knows the exact dynamics of this friendship and this request so we can't judge if she's letting down a friend unreasonably or having fair boundaries.

Nah. That's fine for you and anyone who fancies it.

But, of course, you'd be an absolute fucking lunatic and over-entitled nightmare to get upset at someone saying no thanks to that suggestion.

Nah. Birthday weekends for the win! 🥳

Nah, the point is nobody has to and nobody normal would throw a fit over someone saying No. She can just have a dinner or a lunch like a normal person. OP has done absolutely nothing wrong. Zip. Zilch. Zero.

I agree. How sad to model to your child a life without friends. Very lonely indeed.

People want to, which is the point. I know people loathe birthdays on MN, but in the real world people enjoy celebrating the birthdays of friends and family.

I think @banananas1999 has an incredibly warped sense of what socialising is. I may sit in a pub with friends but we're not getting bladdered..last time all but one of us was driving. It's a nice environment to sit in and chat, reminisce. We visit places that mean something to us.
Re doing things first ...that's fine if you meet your future husband young, but if you don't meet until your thirties, you don't have a decade to do your own thing. A few years maybe but if you want kids and you wait til 40, it's a gamble. Just maths and biology really. How odd to assume everyone has met their partner at 20.

I do wonder when I read posts like this how old these 'grateful' children are and if the parents - who are so convinced that their chosen way is the best way - realise that these grateful children will grow up and leave their parents, as they should.
What then happens to these parents, with no friends and no network?
I imagine the grateful children will be on MN in years to come bleating about the pressure from their parents who took them on Moomin cruises.

Who said anything about putting “nights out above your kids”. It’s perfectly possible to have kids & have friends.

You also seem overly focused on the cost of alcohol. There are plenty of ways to socialise including on a weekend away that don’t involve going on a bender.

I socialise with other adult friends as well as family without alcohol all the time. Or if I do consume alcohol it’s never at the level that it would impact whether I take a trip with my kids,

They are not random people..I have known some of my friends since primary or secondary school, some since uni, others from first job thirty years ago. We've grown up through life stages together, seen each other through major ups and downs and happen to live all over the country. To catch up it pretty much always involves an overnight stay. Why on earth is it "needy"?

Even more bizarre..the display of complete inability to appreciate that people are different. A pp said "noone needs a weekend away for their birthday"... well no, you don't NEED it, but you can highly desire it and wish to spend a decent amount of time to celebrate a milestone, possibly associated with overcoming illness or divorce or career disaster. When I turn 50 I am regarding it as a celebration of having survived what life has thrown at me over the last ten years, it's not about "congratulations on being born", it's "congratulations on overcoming X and being here and are to celebrate" . It's not pathetic or needy, really quite normal.

You sound like an insufferable dullard. Reducing the concept of female friendships to them being "randoms" because they're not related to you is bizarre. Is it a defence mechanism because you don't have any of your own friends? Did you lose them for constantly bleating on about your kids and now you have a chip on your shoulder? Do you think your children will want to spend all of their time with their middle-aged Mum when they hit 18 and the decades that follow? Enjoy being a lonely old woman.

Your friend will be there for you long after your child flies the nest and is more interested in their friends/romantic partner/their own interests than spending time with you. The decades after your child grows up could be significantly enriched by your friendships if you put in the effort in the formative years to maintain them. If you constantly forgo your friendships in favour of your children, you will have nobody left; loneliness is a real killer in older age.

Your child is 17 months old and I'm assuming not breastfed. They have a capable father- do you not trust his parenting skills? So many children today lack resilience and believe that they are centre of the universe. This is perpetuated by today's notion that the child comes first no matter what and mothers must sacrifice every fibre of their being to be at their whim. Being there for your friend will do both DH and your DC the world of good and will hopefully set a healthy precedent that you can and do deserve a night out/time away.

I do find it somewhat bizarre on MN that the generation of women who like to believe they are such strident feminists seem to be more like 1950s women when it comes to children.
You absolutely should have a life outside of your toddler. Do not define yourself by being a mother
I can never understand why women cling to their children when they are babies and toddlers, then complain when they are older that their partner can't/doesn't know how to look after them.
Then they come on MN, when they are told to LTB because he is not 'supportive'.
It's dysfunctional.

Your child isn’t 17 months. Your child is almost a year and a half. Stop babying. If you don’t want to go, don’t go. You’ll likely lose a friend but it doesn’t sound like you’re that invested in this friendship anyway.

My husband and I spent a decade doing our thing before the kids, travelling etc,we will return to that or other hobbies when our kids are grown. Right now its their time,time, fun funds- we go where they want to travel etc, spend time with relatives every other day,couple of times a week and the kids have their friends. Husband can work from anywhere in the world,kids are home ed, we have relatives in different countries who we can visit anytime- theres no lack of socialization. Im talking about pointless waste of time,if thats what you call a good example of socialization,like drinking alcohol,putting “nights out” above your kids- pointless. I save that money and take my kids to Moominland in Finland so we can meet up with family from my side, or take a cruise to Stockholm etc.

Mine is also 17 months, I’m at the stage now where I would be happy to leave them for one night - we’ve been away for a night for a wedding and for my birthday, my son had a ball with his grandparents. I’ve also had to have a night away for a conference while my husband had the baby. Could you consider 1 night away as a compromise - leaving baby with his dad?

I was talking to another poster there not the OP, someone misunderstood that some women when they become mothers put their child first because thats what they want not because the dad cant be trusted to take care of the child or they are chained to the kitchen sink. Priorities change as they should.

Whats there to do with friends- go out for a meal? I rather go have that meal with my family,and in not talking about just kids im takking about my parents,in laws etc- people who matter not randoms. Go drinking? Dont drink ever, never have had habits like this. My children are grateful that both their parents are present, take then to places they wish to go and also because neither of us spends money on alcohol/cigs/dont have expensive hobbies or hobbies that take us away from our family,this allows us invest all our money and time on our children.

You are absolutely not being selfish no one has to say yes to anything they don’t want to do. We certainly shouldn’t be saying yes just because they are our friends and want to keep them happy. I gave up saying yes to everything some time ago and I have to say my life has become so much calmer. I no longer have to stress about the the things I said yes to just to keep that person happy. After saying no a few times it is something that becomes easier to do.

If you told her (or implied) that the main or only reason you can't go is because you can't leave your toddler, then her response makes sense. You've said she was very upset, so I'm going to assume there was a lot more going on than you've described, but the question itself is normal. Why ask why she wants a weekend away instead of dinner out? It's her birthday and she wants what she wants. You've said no thanks, and she's going anyway, so I'm not sure there's much to worry about here. You could invite her out for a birthday dinner or lunch or tea or drink or whatever when she's back, if that's what you think is appropriate.

banananas1999: You are missing the point, we dont want both we want to be with our children. People who are desperate on having friends are bizarre and needy to me,last time i was interested in having a “friend” was when i was 7. This is a "you" thing, and totally irrelevant to the thread, as OP DOES both have and want friends and is just asking for perspective on managing one situation in one specific friendship. Maybe start your own thread if you need support or validation?

Yeah that bizarre and needy doesn't make a lot of sense when talking about normal human behaviour. Children need to see adults model healthy relationships. I don't see that sort of dynamic playing out well long term when the children grow up and want to start their own lives but their parents have no life outside of them.

I expect you chucked in the 'very lonely person' to help her seem more unreasonable. She isn't a 'very lonely' person if she has other people in her life.

You don't want to go because no, it seems you 'can't spend one single night' away from your kid. When you are ready to re-join the human race don't expect her or anyone else you ditched to be there waiting for you with open arms.

Nah. She can just have a dinner or a lunch, like a normal person.