Am I Being Unreasonable? Friend Upset I Won't Go Away for Her Birthday

This is the weirdest thing to me. Say I was your friend and I was caring and attentive and listened, I gave you birthday presents and brought dinner around when you were ill. But I just don’t really like going away for the weekend as I don’t enjoy it - are you saying that because I want to see you in the daytime and evening but not staying away overnight that I’m not a good friend, that’s it’s not enough?

It’s perfectly fine for you to be clear on what you can offer but I hate the idea that dinner and drinks is ‘enough.’ It’s the same as the poster who said that adults don’t need a weekend away to celebrate. Most people take weekend breaks away. The friend wants to go on a girls weekend and it feels more celebratory to combine it with a birthday. Its perfectly normal to take a friends trip away so I think it’s awful to talk her down for this reason.

it’s unkind to suggest that she should settle and know her place by only having a dinner. This is something she wants to do so good on her for planning it and having a blast. It’s perfectly understandable that you can’t go and I assume her response came from not understanding or disappointment. Just don’t impose what works for you onto her because you’ve decided that she’s desperate or not worthy. She should celebrate her birthday however she wants and accept that you can’t attend this one.

It’s perfectly possible to have a fulfilling social life and be a fully present mother. It’s called parenting, and organising your time well

I love being with my children, young children are absolutely gorgeous. Why wouldn’t you want to enjoy being with them as much as you can!

My children ARE the most important thing to me, I make no secret of it. Maybe think about why it bothers you so much how other people spend their time 🤷‍♀️

Er… I think there’s just a good few of us that just don’t enjoy going away for a weekend for 100% socialising all the time. When my kids were younger then I was knackered and busy but after that, it’s just not how I want to spend my time. A few hours or a day? Sure.

But the ‘at your children’s whim, 24 hours a day story’ is cool!

I'm curious, do people seriously think being at their children's whim 24/7, having no life outside of being a mother, wrapping them in cotton wool, telling them they are the most important person on earth and not trusting their own fathers to care for them for 1 night is doing them any good in the long run?

If you just can't be arsed because you're tired, fine, but own it. Is there any reason your toddler can't be left with her father for one night? Why is it so outlandish for friend to assume that's possible as it seems perfectly reasonable.

I think it's unnecessarily harsh not to explain....I would want to give an explanation to a friend

I left my kids with their dad at various points early on. He loved it, they enjoyed it.
This is not a competition for greatest mother, the prize being for the mum who stays welded to her little child for longest!
Do what works for you, your child and partner. No sweat.

You sound like a maga mum

The OP has said she doesn't want to go away for a whole weekend of socialising because she is exhausted and I think that's perfectly reasonable. She has never mentioned money or "saving up". While some people may love these kinds of occasions others do not enjoy them.

I agree that I don't think this was a financial decision here.

Sure, hypothetically. Many people could react in many ways. This isn’t the situation that has been described here. The OP hasn’t mentioned finances.

My point is that not everyone sees an invitation that way. Some people do get pissed if an invitation is declined and the person declining isn't willing to save up for the event despite being given "time to budget".

It’s just an invitation. There’s no ‘shoulds’ or assumptions. Simply decline an invite if you cannot afford it. I’m not sure what your point is here.

Because sometimes people don't accept an invitation for financial reasons. I think that giving an invitation in advance while thinking that the invitee should use the time for budgeting and saving is entitled. The invitee might have financial constraints you don't know about or they might be saving for someone else.

How is that telling someone what to do with their money?

If someone accepts an invite to do something which costs money, then it’s on them to be able to afford it. It’s an invitation, not a summons.

When people pull the whole, "I told them in advance, they had time to save up"

I wouldn't go either. Not because of leaving the toddler (I wouldn't want to do that either) but because I find weekends away exhausting and I'm tired enough as it is

Who is telling anyone to budget their money?

I think we should organise a raucous mumsnet gals bottomless brunch/drinking weekend with bananas1999 as the guest of honour. 2 hours of unlimited alcohol, followed by a heavy night of clubbing, zero contact with children or hubby and HUNDREDS of pounds of precious family money spent. I reckon she'll be dancing on the tables after she's unclenched a bit. Fancy that, a whole weekend spent with randoms who are non relatives! Sounds like a rave.

If you want to go, then go. Your kid will be fine. And honestly, reconnecting could be really good for the friendship. It’s a bit unfair to say, “Can’t she just do a dinner?” when she’s the one inviting you on a trip, it’s her birthday, after all.

If you don’t want to go, just be honest with yourself. I totally get how hard it is with a toddler, mine’s 16 months and it’s exhausting. Friends without kids don’t always understand why we can’t just get a babysitter, go out for dinner, or have the kid “sleep in the pram” (as if!). They won’t fully get it until they have their own.

So the real question is: do you not want to go because it’s genuinely too hard right now, or are you feeling guilty because she doesn’t have many close friends? What’s really holding you back?

What does this say about women?? That female friendships are fine when you’re 7, but be sure to ditch other women when you get the ultimate goal of a man & kids.

Men don’t do this at nearly the same rate as women.

Some of my friends never met anyone, many can’t have kids. They are not trying to live a “boss girl” life. I know plenty of women with a husband & kids who are far more “boss girls” because their career ambitions didn’t die when they found a man & had kids. Neither did their friendships.

Your kids might be happy now, but they’ll son want independence. That is the natural course of things.

Is that the issue though? OP has only said she doesn't have the energy and doesn't want to go. Birthday Girl thinks it's about leaving the child but OP hasn't said that herself. It sounds to me like the friendship has drifted and OP only feels bad out of obligation.

If it were my birthday weekend I'd rather spend it with one good friend instead of two people where one was only there because they felt bad for me.

Friend is fully grown woman and is finding out what boss girl life is about-no kids no partner desperately clinging on to someone giving her attention.

I think this ‘boss girl’ comment said it all about how @banananas1999 sees this. She’s assuming that the friend chose to be single & not have kids, & is now suffering the consequences.

I don’t think the OP’s said anything about the friend’s circumstances? Would the friend be more deserving if she’d wanted kids & a partner & not got them?

Agree, it sounds like the issue is not being able to leave the toddler. I think this is quite variable. Mine still fed at night at this age but I know others whose children of that age would have been sleeping through form more than a year.