DS moved back in and I'm fed up

Hi OP,

No actual advice but there may be some helpful resources in this article:

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/mar/06/my-child-would-use-anything-as-a-weapon-the-parents-who-live-in-fear-of-their-offspring

My ND Dd refused all help ( typical of the condition)

I unashamedly used bribery. It worked like a charm.

I think one of the key things is her refuses to go to school at 14.

Students mainly refuse due to undiagnosed SEND or anxiety.

Its not a waster of time or money to apply for a bus pass or send him to college. He’s entitled to free education until 19. Even if he drops out.

Maybe all he can cope with is maths and English atm.

OP this sounds unbelievably hard but it's all about you. You haven't once asked what you can do to help him. You do realise that helping him, helps you all?

You need to stop hanging blame on what happened between you and your ex on you son who even if you don’t view as a child now deffo was then. Get yourself therapy but stop blaming him.

unlike other posters I believe you when you say you don’t love him, it drips from everything you say. Do him a favour and get social services and youth services involved saying you can not house or have a relationship with him any more because he deffo will pick up on the fact you resent him and are causing further damage.

Please don’t have more children until you’ve been to therapy to deal with past traumas and learnt that kids are for life not just until they don’t turn out how you like

Why do you think he wanted to move out at 12?
Why do you think he is aggressive, angry, uncaring?
Why do you think he has been self harming and being so self destructive?

you put a lot of effort into describing his awful behaviour and your reasons not to love him: I can’t see much reflection on your part as to why and how he has got to this point.

Sounds like he needs a good male role model. Cant undo the bad parenting he’s had all these years, it’s not his fault he’s been allowed to do whatever he wants with no rules no direction.

at this point you need external help. GP?

ive heard that martial arts and boxing clubs can be good for young men like yours. Is that worth trying?

You don’t love you child ? I can understand not liking his behaviour, but not loving him - nah. I’m sure he picks up on this, which will make it all worse.

..and yea I’ve been through it, the destruction, the violence, the refusing help, the silent treatment etc etc.

I told me Daughter I loved her, every single day.

Being a parent is tough, especially with a child with MH issues, and Trauma issues.

I also have a 17yr old ds going through similar, also a few of his friends too. They all seem to need a lot more parenting in the later teens and seem lost. At the moment mine has a pot washing job that has given him some structure, may be you could go round some pubs and ask if they need a kitchen porter just to give your ds a purpose. I know it's hard OP and you're frustrated but you'll get there with him

Are you scared of him OP?

You said he’s been violent towards you in the past, are you scared he will go for you again if you don’t give into him?

it’s fair enough people making all these suggestions about how to manage it in a ‘gentle’ way, but I’m not sure how that works in reality if the 17 year old is a person who has been physically aggressive to you in the past and that you’re still scared of, especially if there are younger children in the house.

I imagine he wouldn’t take too kindly to the Switch being locked in a cabinet. I’m guessing he wouldn’t just accept it and would be more likely to react in a way that could potentially be very frightening for you.

I really feel for you OP.

You don't love what he does but ofcourse you love your boy. He just needs showing how to respect the home and some kindness. Tell him you want to start fresh and shower him with love and he will respond

He does have some degree of MH difficulties, that's clear. But there's clearly a difference between what you and I think 'love, kindness and support' actually like in real life.

I think it is loving and supportive to sit down with a child, communicate that you don't want them to stay in this distress forever and that you, as their parent, are responsible for limiting the opportunities they have to self-destruct and treat people badly. Because I GUARANTEE you that being allowed to verbally abuse his family is DREADFUL for his MH, and he will NOT get better if it is allowed to continue.

I also did clarify, perhaps you didn't read it, that the contract should be entirely achievable for him. The big goal here is to build success into his life, and to help him make the connection between reward and self-control, helping him in turn to learn that he is responsible for his behaviour, MH difficulties or not. The contract should not be an attempt to cover all family difficulties, just ones relating mostly to the switch or electronics. If that's what's most important to him right now, that's where you start.

This young man has been through some profound trauma, but so often the narrative from adults around these young people is that because trauma has played a part, it is therefore to blame for all their behaviours and very little should be expected from them because of it. But honestly, this is catastrophic for them. No-one expects them to grow into people who take responsibility for themselves, and expect so little of them and for them. Do I expect my children, who are disabled and have experienced profound trauma, to behave the same as their non-disabled, non-trauma-experienced peers? Absolutely not. Do I expect them, with the love and care and support of family and community, to take responsibility for themselves and how they choose to behave? Yes I do.

How much physical contact can he deal with? If you give him a hug is he responsive? I work with young people and they have told me that physical affection is given in childhood but withdrawn in teenage years. Try saying do you want a hug/cuddle ? Once a day a first then next build up to twice a day.

Forced how? Can you elaborate?

I'm concerned that if you continue to blame him for your choices, and won't understand the difference between his responsibilities and yours, you won't be able to make any progress here.

You are responsible for your responses to his behaviour - for example setting boundaries around his access to your money and what you spend it on. Would you like him to be someone who is grateful for what he has? absolutely. Did you spend that money, despite the fact there is plenty of evidence that he doesn't yet behave in that way? Yes you did, and that's on you. And, because you did so, you now have choices about what to do with that TV. I'm really happy to help you think about what that might be, if you think it would be helpful.

I know what it's like to live with someone whose bad behaviour dominates the home, and where their vitriol and hostility can be astonishing. However, I also know that I must parent that child, and that I am responsible for setting down boundaries and protections that minimise the impact on others and also demonstrate to my child the consequences of his behaviour. I am responsible for minimising the opportunities he has for emotional and relational (and physical) damage and destruction, and responsible for making sure there are consequences in place for when that does happen. Again, there are a number of ways you can approach this depending on the behaviours, but it has to start with your willingness to see that he isn't responsible for everything in this scenario, and that he cannot control or constrain your responses.

Getting his mental health is the number one priority .. above everything else. It would be hard to move on, until that is sorted.

PPs are right, sit down with him, tell him you love him, that you are on his side, and that you want to work with him to get this sorted

When DD had her MH crisis, she was about 15 (it was related to undiagnosed ASD), just
saying “I’m on your side” made a massive difference.

There was no school or college for 3 years, then a year of college, then leaving .. and now she’s started college again (fingers crossed!).

You can get through this.

You need to be in a good mind set to join the military. It can be traumatic - nobody comes back the same after being sent out to war, trust me.

Yes with intense discipline in basic training. You’ve either not experienced it or you’ve forgotten phase one.

The point is mute any way as you have to be mentally stable to join and have the motivation to join yourself

Your LEA will have a NEET service ( not in education or employment) they’ll help him sort out what to do.

What?!