DS moved back in and I'm fed up

I can't afford bribery, and he's had enough things recently with the new TV.

I'm not having him ruin my younger childrens childhood, they don't deserve to be around this. He's just got up and told them to shut the fuck up because they're making normal noise for a child in their room, they're not shouting or screaming. They're playing and giggling and kids do

You are the adult op, and his mother. You need to draw a line under past behaviour and give him a fresh start. He is so young.

Pack the other two off to their fathers, sit down with a coffee or lunch with ds and really tslk. Be understanding and non judgemental. Kind and loving.

He is a victim of abuse as well, and it’s worse for him because he is a child, andit’s a parent, you can’t just leave or divorce a parent that you are forced to rely on.

Give him sound ground rules. Up before 10am. Switch for two hours max a day. Help him find a job or an apprenticeship. Get some support re cutting. Be willing to give him a second chance. Hug him - tell him you love him. Don’t hold the past against him.

There is a window of opportunity here op, you can turn this around with some help. He has his whole life ahead of hm, please take some time to really support his next steps.

Social services also won't take him into care or get involved due to his age.

Ok, a few things

• it sounds like you've had a really rough time of it, as has he. I really wouldn't spend your time working out who is to blame here, as it will prevent you both (ie. You and son) from taking responsibility for the way you respond to how things are. I'd go so far as to say that you need to accept that having him in your home means you will both need to function differently, and to only consider this a viable arrangement if you feel you can.

- I had to buy him a TV as well because that room used to be DS7’s so it didn’t have one. I said I couldn’t afford it but ended up giving in and he still complained it was too small.
This is the kind of difference I mean. You didn't have to buy him a TV, you chose to buy a TV (albeit because you felt pressured) for someone who has demonstrated that he's not capable of showing appropriate gratefulness or appreciation for what it's cost you. I 100% agree that behaviour shouldn't be allowed to continue consequence-free, but responsibility for the IMPACT of that situation is on you. Should he pressure you to buy a TV? absolutely not. Can he force you to do so? No. So take a look at the things that you can address by putting boundaries in place, and put them in early. Don't wait until he's complaining about the TV you bought him to address his behaviour, you need to find those early pinch points and figure out how to use them to implement your expectations.

• practical things - I'd be buying a lockbox for the switch. It doesn't belong to him, so don't leave it out for him to access and certainly not abuse his brothes over. Write up a contract (chat gpt is helpful) that he needs to sign if he wants to access the switch - acknowledge it belongs to you, no attempts to access without your permission, he can have X hours per day between A and B times if he has spoken respectfully to his gf family/done 30 mins job searching etc. keep things clear and achievable for him, you're looking to build clarity and success. Don't overreach at this stage - you can add in more later as he succeeds. Write in a review date where you will both review how it's going. He signs the contract as do you - one copy in main living area and bedrooms. DON'T use contract to manipulate, bargain, persuade. Once you have both signed it, the contract does the work. Make sure you keep to it in both directions - both witholding access or giving access according to his choices.

• money - you may want to consider whether he has access to a small allowance (just enough to make him want to work for more 😂) which he earns through contributing to the household. Again, the contract does the work - NOT you bargaining, negotiating, pleading, explaining. Some kids really benefit from paid work outside the home too - it's possible that paid work alongside an achievable educational goal might be more of a motivator than just education.

• support - have a think about who can support you both. Is there someone who will give him a call every so often to say hi, and who you can also ask to help address big issues further down the line. We've put together a team for one of our kids, and if/when we have a big behavioural incident, one of them will call him a few days later to express concern for him and talk through his plan for how he's going to put it right. It's like care, concern and accountability all rolled up into one. I know you've said his father isn't in the picture, but perhaps wider family, friends, community group leaders etc. it's humbling to ask but people very often want to help.

. I've had to learn you must parent the child in the way they need, not the way you want to parent. for so many years I wanted to parent my child in a very reasonable, flexible, 'give and take' kind of way. This is perfect for some of my kids. But one of mine isn't that kinda kid, and when I attempted that approach with him it it was awful - I was resentful, angry, sad because it was so one-sided and my contribution was so scorned and unappreciated. I now have much clearer expectations of him, and if he doesn't meet them then he doesn't get what he wants - there is little to no flexibility with that. There's still a warm, kind relationship between us, but he doesn't achieve his goals or get privileges. And because of that, he's learning responsibility for himself and learning to give back far more than if I had kept trying to be 'giving' and flexible.

Please don't interpret this as a criticism - it's a hard path and there is very little real-world, pragmatic support. He is very lucky to have you, and you him - however hard it is at the moment. There will be a way through.

Apprenticeship, job, army, something. He needs a purpose. Don't enable the staying in bed, playing games etc. You have a chance here to make a real change and help him find a path to support himself. He won't like you for it at first, but it's the best thing that you can do.

I don’t even know where to start really. I feel like I’m at breaking point with DS, he’ll be 17 next month. I’ve got two younger DC as well (7 and 8) but they’ve got a different dad to eldest. Might be relevant might not.

It’s been years of problems with eldest, I honestly blame a lot of it on his dad. We split before DS was even born, his dad was horrible to me, emotionally abusive, a liar, into drugs at one point and very misogynistic. Growing up DS was actually really sweet but when he hit about 12 he suddenly wanted to live with his dad. Before that his dad was unreliable, always cancelling, then telling DS it was my fault and that I was stopping contact, so I was the bad guy.

He went to live there and literally overnight it felt like I lost him. School phoning me all the time about behaviour, I had to tell them he wasn’t with me anymore. He refused to see me and when he did open his mouth it was just sexist racist homophobic crap which is all his dad all over. His dad let him do anything he wanted, no rules at all, and when DS refused school at 14 his dad just deregistered him rather than deal with it. No homeschooling as far as I know, just left him to it. He told DS I didn’t care about him because I had the little ones, while he conveniently forgot he’s got a daughter he doesn’t bother with either.

From July 2023 until May 2024 I barely saw him. I messaged all the time but he either ignored me or left me on read. I found out he was cutting and I tried to get him help, counselling etc, but he flat out refused. He’d randomly message me saying “2 weeks clean” and then vanish again. I also found out he’d been drinking and smoking weed. One time he stayed here and went for me, actually hit me, I called police but they just told him I was doing my best and left it at that. He was 14 then. Younger two were at their dads thank god. Not the first time he’d kicked off like that either.

He was supposed to start at a 14-16 college to do GCSEs last Sept but it all went wrong. From what I’ve heard he was self harming in the toilets and they said it was a safeguarding risk. I don’t know if they kicked him out or if he just stopped going, his dad never said and I had no contact with the college because his dad had control of everything then.

Fast forward and he’s been back living with me since July. No idea what happened with his dad because he won’t talk about it and I’ve got zero contact with ex because he still sends me vile messages whenever he gets the chance.

It’s been chaos since he moved back. Younger boys have been shoved in together so DS has his own room. I tried to get him into college but he has no idea what he wants to do and the only place nearby is the same college as last year, they won’t take him back. So he’s basically at home all day. Sleeps till 2 or 3pm, then hogs the Switch on the living room TV even though he’s got a PS5 in his room. I had to buy him a TV as well because that room used to be DS7’s so it didn’t have one. I said I couldn’t afford it but ended up giving in and he still complained it was too small. He moans at the little ones if they so much as ask to play the Switch, tells them to shut up constantly. He claims it’s his even though I bought it for the younger two to share.

I’m walking on eggshells constantly. If I say anything he blows up, if I don’t say anything he takes the piss. I don’t know what to do anymore. There's more info but this is long enough

Ok, a few things

• it sounds like you've had a really rough time of it, as has he. I really wouldn't spend your time working out who is to blame here, as it will prevent you both (ie. You and son) from taking responsibility for the way you respond to how things are. I'd go so far as to say that you need to accept that having him in your home means you will both need to function differently, and to only consider this a viable arrangement if you feel you can.

- I had to buy him a TV as well because that room used to be DS7’s so it didn’t have one. I said I couldn’t afford it but ended up giving in and he still complained it was too small.
This is the kind of difference I mean. You didn't have to buy him a TV, you chose to buy a TV (albeit because you felt pressured) for someone who has demonstrated that he's not capable of showing appropriate gratefulness or appreciation for what it's cost you. I 100% agree that behaviour shouldn't be allowed to continue consequence-free, but responsibility for the IMPACT of that situation is on you. Should he pressure you to buy a TV? absolutely not. Can he force you to do so? No. So take a look at the things that you can address by putting boundaries in place, and put them in early. Don't wait until he's complaining about the TV you bought him to address his behaviour, you need to find those early pinch points and figure out how to use them to implement your expectations.

• practical things - I'd be buying a lockbox for the switch. It doesn't belong to him, so don't leave it out for him to access and certainly not abuse his brothes over. Write up a contract (chat gpt is helpful) that he needs to sign if he wants to access the switch - acknowledge it belongs to you, no attempts to access without your permission, he can have X hours per day between A and B times if he has spoken respectfully to his gf family/done 30 mins job searching etc. keep things clear and achievable for him, you're looking to build clarity and success. Don't overreach at this stage - you can add in more later as he succeeds. Write in a review date where you will both review how it's going. He signs the contract as do you - one copy in main living area and bedrooms. DON'T use contract to manipulate, bargain, persuade. Once you have both signed it, the contract does the work. Make sure you keep to it in both directions - both witholding access or giving access according to his choices.

• money - you may want to consider whether he has access to a small allowance (just enough to make him want to work for more 😂) which he earns through contributing to the household. Again, the contract does the work - NOT you bargaining, negotiating, pleading, explaining. Some kids really benefit from paid work outside the home too - it's possible that paid work alongside an achievable educational goal might be more of a motivator than just education.

• support - have a think about who can support you both. Is there someone who will give him a call every so often to say hi, and who you can also ask to help address big issues further down the line. We've put together a team for one of our kids, and if/when we have a big behavioural incident, one of them will call him a few days later to express concern for him and talk through his plan for how he's going to put it right. It's like care, concern and accountability all rolled up into one. I know you've said his father isn't in the picture, but perhaps wider family, friends, community group leaders etc. it's humbling to ask but people very often want to help.

. I've had to learn you must parent the child in the way they need, not the way you want to parent. for so many years I wanted to parent my child in a very reasonable, flexible, 'give and take' kind of way. This is perfect for some of my kids. But one of mine isn't that kinda kid, and when I attempted that approach with him it it was awful - I was resentful, angry, sad because it was so one-sided and my contribution was so scorned and unappreciated. I now have much clearer expectations of him, and if he doesn't meet them then he doesn't get what he wants - there is little to no flexibility with that. There's still a warm, kind relationship between us, but he doesn't achieve his goals or get privileges. And because of that, he's learning responsibility for himself and learning to give back far more than if I had kept trying to be 'giving' and flexible.

Please don't interpret this as a criticism - it's a hard path and there is very little real-world, pragmatic support. He is very lucky to have you, and you him - however hard it is at the moment. There will be a way through.

You don’t love him! Is that what you feel?

Did you work after having your children? Have you ever had a job? Contributed to society?

You worry he will mess up your younger children’s future. Again, no responsibility taken by you.

What were your academic results at school? Work? What sort of role model are you to your children?
You have failed to answer these questions.

I can't afford bribery, and he's had enough things recently with the new TV.

I'm not having him ruin my younger childrens childhood, they don't deserve to be around this. He's just got up and told them to shut the fuck up because they're making normal noise for a child in their room, they're not shouting or screaming. They're playing and giggling and kids do