To think that my husband was tactless and inappropriate?

Apsolutelly right thing to do as a partner. Except the last sentence - sensible and caring thing to do is not to mention it. There are far too many reasons why someone facing loosing their parent just don't have mental/emotional capacity and time and space for that. Coming from someone who lost both parents, one of the last things you want to hear is how it affects other people's lives, workloads, schedules, emotions, etc. It's about OP and her father not her partners plans even best intended. OP, I wish you many more days with your Dad and sending you strength ❤️

Dh came in this evening and started, out of the blue and in an extremely blasé tone, telling me that he had been asking at work today about what would happen with his critical workload if my father passed away and he had to take emergency leave.

Am I the only person here who thinks your OH’s employers should not be asking him to solve their problem. If he has to take emergency leave then they have to deal with that. They should have contingency plans to deal with any of their key/critical staff are off sick, leave, have emergency leave, etc. It’s not his problem to solve. He may be able to suggest mitigation but maybe he should ask what they would do if he had to be hospitalised with no notice ? At least they have some forewarning he may need to take emergency leave. I definitely think it’s insensitive of him to discuss it with you unless he is in a position to say he has had discussions at work and there are plans in place in case he has to tale emergency leave and you don't need to worry about whether he will be able to support you.

The recent scare has brought it to mind and he is taking steps to make sure he is prepared if the worst should happen. It's good forward planning and will minimise the stress to you both when the time comes. He's actually being very caring and sensible.

Exactly. And the emotionally intelligent thing to do is check the systems, and forewarn work that you might be needing some personal time off in the near future.

I think it's good to have these conversations sooner rather than later. My mum became ill very suddenly and passed away shortly afterwards. My dad had cancer a few years later. Neither of my parents were elderly and I was in my 30s. It was really helpful knowing what time off my husband was entitled to so I could focus on helping my parents.

I didn't ask, thanks for wasting your time drafting a condescending reply. He could have just asked what the process is for emergency leave, and more importantly, he could have just kept it to himself for now. Plenty of places struggle if someone is unexpectedly off, its nothing new or special and only ever heard men describe their work as such.

Business critical is totally normal phrase. Eg running payroll and paying bill/suppliers. Often only one person who knows how to do it in smaller organisations, so everything could fall apart very quickly if that one person was off suddenly without planning.

It's a business expression. It means that his role in the organisation is critical, ie operational. If he can't be there, they need to plan for that. With a holiday, say, that is planned. Obvs for illness that can't be planned, but there will be contingencies in place. Such as for this unplanned absence.

He’s planning to be there for you when the time comes. That’s very pragmatic of him.

With respect, you’re not as pragmatic here as you think you are. It’s an emotional time - that’s ok. Talk to him about it and let him know that you actually do need some emotional support here and now, as it is affecting you (as is totally normal and understandable).

No! I think it’s weird and he seems to be making it all about him.

True, i dont understand a simple phrase (or i just know what men are insinuating when they describe their work as such).

I don't think you understand what "critical workload" means.

I didn't take any time off when DH mum died

I think he was trying to show that he wanted to support you?

Very well put. It's all very well to conceptually know that a loved one is nearing the end, but it's very, very different to face the reality. And your DH's comment has made you do that.

Be kind to yourself OP, but also be kind to your DH. He's only doing what he thinks is best and supportive.

You mean you weren't hugely comforted by the fact he has asked his job about what he would do about his super important and heavy workload? I agree with you it wasn't tactful at all, it doesnt sound malicious either though.

You can’t find one reason?

I mean this gently I don’t think you have accepted it, nor are you pragmatic about it, and that’s understandable.

It's good he's thinking he might have to take off. Many spouses/partners only take the day of the funeral off. At least he intends to offer you some support.

He sounds considerate and caring and prepared to support you when it is anticipated you'll need it. It's never a comfortable discussion to have so maybe he's got the timing a bit wrong, but I don't think he's actually done anything wrong here?

I'm glad your dad has picked up again, it's a worrying time

You’re feeling understandably sensitive but he didn’t mean any harm. If anything he’s showing you that he’s thinking about how best he can support you when the time comes.

To support his partner????? Seems very caring

You are feeling sensitive. There is nothing inappropriate about what your DH said. Death happens, it should not be offensive to talk about.

He sounds like a well meaning and thoughtful husband.

No idea what this thread is about. Why does he need to take time off when your father dies? Surely it’s you that will need to take time off work?