Stepchildren being incredibly rude on holiday

I think it's the fact that the holiday is to Italy that's the problem here. I can totally see that there is loads of stuff they'd like to do and they don't really want your DD tagging along.

Next time I would make it somewhere "neutral" rather than somewhere where they are so familiar with the language, culture etc.

They were 18 when you and your husband started dating now assuming as most good parent do you didn’t introduce straight away these already adult children have no even step type of sibling relationship at all with your children.

They have seen this trip as going home with dad seeing old friends and family. Unless it was made abundantly clear they were expected to play baby sitter to another 18 year old. I don’t see why you expected them to take her places.

Yes there should be some family time but again have you ever been a family since they were already adults. So I’d expect a few meals together, a couple of activities with dad.

You’re not a blended family, his DC were already young adults when you met and have their own lives. Your DD isn’t really anyone to them. They’re in their father’s home country visiting family and friends and doing their own thing.

Your DD isn’t their responsibility to entertain.

I don’t think they’re being rude in the slightest I think your expectations around the holiday don’t match theirs.

Your daughter is 18 and your asking on her behalf.
Can't she ask them herself?

I agree with this.

”Am I unreasonable to bring my adult step children on holiday to what is essentially their home country, and expect them to babysit my adult dd for me”

YABU to expect that.

They aren’t related, the people they are meeting aren’t your DD’s friends, they’d have to spent all day translating.

Can you DH not spend some time at home with your DS whilst you and DD have some time together going out and about?

Wow - that's not rude at all, I was expecting something totally different.

They're old enough not to have their dad and step mum pay for their travel any more though. That way you won't believe you've bought their time on holiday as a companions, guides, and translators for your daughter.

If your daughter is a neurotypical 18 year old she's old enough to do her own thing too - the lake Como area is completely touristy and she can very easily explore on her own despite not speaking Italian. My daughter and niece both travelled abroad alone at 18 (as did I in the distant past) so staying with her mum and venturing out alone with a base to return to isn't especially adventurous.

(Edited for clarification)

You say your DD “doesn’t really enjoy doing everything with me and my DH as she isn’t a child anymore” but don’t understand why your DH’s adult-offspring don’t want to hang around with you 🤔

You also expected your SC to act as babysitters/interpreters/tour guides for your DD instead of just enjoying their holiday and not caring for someone else’s child for free.

I think you have a very different expectation of what “holiday” means. Had you expected childcare in return for paying for the holiday for your SC, you should have negotiated that at the time of invite, I.e. “we’re happy to pay for your flight and accommodation, but in exchange we want you to care for our DD for X number of days.” Then they could have decide if that deal was worth it or not.

If you actually wanted to treat your SC to a holiday that they’d enjoy, then congratulations! You seem to have done just that.

I don't think it would be unreasonable to expect them to spend more time with you all as a family since you have come on a family holiday

But especially with the language barrier, I do think it's unreasonable to expect them to take your DD out with their friends/cousins

It is a mixture of age and personalities, I often see people/ teenagers and children who go out of their way to include others and I think it’s lovely, unfortunately your sc (and a good majority tbf) don’t have that attitude. It’s a pity in particular for your autistic d that they’re out for a fun holiday for themselves, but other than a nudge I don’t know there’s much you can do

YAB very U

I wouldn't expect my own children to feel obligated to be stuck with us. Of course we're paying for the holiday, but I would be delighted if mine were making the most of the holiday and enjoying themselves.

You are a bit hypocritical too, YOU wrote about your DD
doesn’t really enjoy doing everything with me and my DH as she isn’t a child anymore.

I was hoping they would take my DD who’s 18 under their wing a little
You are being silly - she's not their responsibility.

I would do nothing, just try to find something your DD would enjoy like you would if the twins were not there.

There’s quite a difference in maturity at 18 and 23. I can see why they wouldn’t want your DD to join in as they’d just be ‘minding’ her especially as she’s doesn’t speak the language.

Maybe they feel their needs were not taken into account so much, when their parents divorced

I would just stop making any effort with them.

Don’t cook for them or take them out, let DH deal
with them.

Arrange fun things with your kids and tell DH he is welcome to come.

No they are not being rude. You are disappointed but that’s something different. You are not really family to them - just their dad’s new wife.

OP you need to stop thinking of them as ‘kids’ who should hang out. Would you want to go to your home city and be asked to take an 18 year old who you don’t really know that well who can not speak the language with you?
yiur DHs dc are just some adults on holiday. They don’t want to ‘babysit’ some 18 year old on their holiday

This covers it...

When you paid for the holiday did you tell them it was conditional on them entertaining your DD? You’ve done a lot of assuming here. Your kids didn’t grow up together. Your DD is 18 she could say to them can I come with you. Also why the sly dig about one of the twins going on dates with two separate men? They haven’t been rude, your expectations are misplaced

Why would they want to take your children on trips? They're not friends.

I agree with this.
They are adults doing their thing, it would be nice if they did take your dd out for the day especially as you paid but you can’t make them.

Also agree with your Dh.

She could have learned some basic Italian in the 2 years you've been married, especially as he has family in the South.

But it still doesn't address why you think they are incredibly rude for not taking her with them. They're full adults and there's a significant age gap and she doesn't speak the language. They're back home in a way. They're seeing people they know and you're coming off entitled.

I'm kind of seeing why they don't want to spend a lot of time with you.

i dont think thats "incredibly rude". I just think theyre doing their own thing, as young adults. They arent responsible for entertaining your teenager.
It would have been lovely if they had, but I think youre being harsh by saying theyre incredibly rude not to.
If your daughter doesnt want to do anything with you and dh, and your son doesnt want to do anything she finds fun, then how come its your stepkids that are labled incredibly rude, and not yours?
I get that its probably frustrating for you that your kids arent more eager to do things, but i dont think you should be making it the others responsibility,

No you can’t inflict your choices on these adults, they have no obligation to your DD. It’s quite entitled to expect this

I don't think it's their responsibility, I'm afraid. They are making the most of their holiday. Unless you paid for them to come under the agreement they take your dd out to socialise, then they aren't doing anything wrong.

Surely your dd was expecting to hang out with you though? She signed up for a family holiday, that sort of goes with the territory.

You see it as a blended family holiday. They see it as going home, or to sort of home places of their childhood.
They re adults and can do their own thing really. I'm sure they really grateful to their papa for paying for it. Just let them get on with it.

Hmm it’s your job to entertain your kids on holiday I’m afraid not theirs. It would be nice if it all worked out that way indeed but your kids have come into their lives when they were already adults so zero obligation I’m afraid. You can’t force friendships and you can’t expect people to take responsibility for their dad’s gfs kids. Sorry they’re not doing anything wrong but I get it would be convenient