Stepchildren being incredibly rude on holiday

Would you want to go wake boarding with a virtual stranger who doesn't speak the local language?

I don't think they're being rude either. They were already adults when you met, have no real relationship with daughter, you can't expect them to "babysit". Yes it would have been nice of them, but I can understand why they wouldn't.

Going to Italy was a bad idea if you all wanted to spend time together IMO, it's quite natural they would drift off seeing their friends and family. Pick a neutral place next time.

It’s up to your DH to call the shots about what’s acceptable with his 23 year old adult DCs, unless there is some drip feed that you paid for all of the holiday. If you have equally split finances then that works out that he has paid for himself and his two dependents and you for yours, therefore his DCs don’t owe you anything either financially or indeed socially.

I would have expected a few family meals out with everyone in attendance, but if their DF doesn’t want to push it, then fair enough.

Okay, everyone comes at blended families through different lenses of what they have seen around them, experienced themselves, or think should happen.
The truth is different for everyone, and thats okay!
So here is my perspective, from my own experience:
My parent found a new partner when I was 14 and the partners children were 19 and lived with their other parent. I dont consider the partner, or their kids, family at all. Its nothing against them. Its not complicated. I just dont feel like they are family to me. I think all of us would feel a bit strange to be described this way, and confused if other people expected us to behave a certain way just because our parents decided to be in a relationship. In fact, I'd personally be a bit annoyed... it's got nothing to do with anyone else, even our parents!
I understand your disappointment if you had a certain expectation from them (and possibly passed this to your daughter) but they haven't done anything wrong here, you just have different perspectives.

Exactly this!

• They don't have a sibling relationship - they are effectively strangers
• Your DH's children are back in one of their two home countries, it's perfectly natural that they want to reconnect with friends and their culture
• It's a total PITA constantly translating for someone who doesn't speak a word of the language, particularly if you barely know them
• You excuse your son from spending time with her sister on the basis of his ND but somehow your stepchildren have to pick up the slack
• There's no issue with wanting to do family things - but even you have said that your DD doesn't want to spend time with you because she's an adult - so you either all do stuff together, or people get to do what they want
• At 18 you are adult and can go off and do stuff by yourself - she doesn't have to wait for invitations from people she doesn't even know

Ultimately they have not been extremely rude - from your thread title I thought it was going to be a recounting of obnoxious teenage misbehaviour, not 23 year olds acting perfectly normally. Your expectations are way off base and unfair. If you want to encourage your family to spend time together then book a couple of evening meals for everyone when people can talk in a more relaxed setting and get to know one another better. Not through enforced excursions. YABVVU.

YABU. I acquired step-siblings as a young adult and, while we have always been polite to each other, we had absolutely nothing in common and didn’t become friends. I was very very close to my stepmother but she never expected me to form relationships with her children. You are asking too much.

Two weeks is a long time to spend with people who you don't know that well and who don't speak your native language. It sounds like they have lived with their mum in France growing up so I am guessing your Dh has had limited time with them growing up, and you and your kids have only been around for a few years when they were already adults. It's basically like spending two weeks with some distant cousins who don't speak your language for them. I can totally see why they need time away from everyone to do their own thing.

23 and 18 are miles apart, lifewise. That's before you get to the fact they aren't from the same family and that they're semi-native to the country you're visiting.

Also - I don't know how good their english is, presumably they are fluent in French and Italian but less so in English - spending a day speaking in a language that isn't 'native' and doing so to a person you don't really know isn't the most relaxing.

They have seen this trip as going home with dad seeing old friends and family. Unless it was made abundantly clear they were expected to play baby sitter to another 18 year old. I don’t see why you expected them to take her places.

That, I'm afraid. They have a limited amount of time to reconnect with friends and family, and they're adults. You're expecting too much.

No, it’s not their job to entertain your 18yo. You can’t force that relationship and in one sense it isn’t a ‘holiday’ for them. It’s a trip home and an opportunity to catch up with friends and relatives. That said, I wouldn’t be funding holidays for 23 year old adults. If you wanted a family type holiday it may have been better to go somewhere with no ties.

ah! I thought d was daughter and you were rebelliously rejecting the MN DD convention 😆

Their behaviour will be about their relationship with their father, how they feel about his relationship/break up with their mother and what type of father he has been to them. They may feel some resentment towards you and your children as well. Alternatively, they are just young and thoughtless and want to spend time with their friends.

There's quite a big difference between an 18 year old and a 23 year old who haven't grown up together, even without a language barrier.

SunriseOver

ah sorry I’d written ds but it must have knocked out the s!

Even if she was their own sister, I would possibly shout to go together ONCE maybe twice, but I wouldn't even expect them to take her along all the time. A 5 year gap is a big gap, it's their holiday too, they don't need to babysit her.

Entertaining your daughter isn't their job. It's their holiday too and they clearly don't want to take her so stop asking.

It's her son who's autistic according to her post - her autistic older son doesn't want to do touristy stuff with his 18 year old neurotypical sister.

Looking at it from their perspective they haven't grown up with your DD and they probably don't get to spend much time with these people in Italy. It sucks for your DD but she isn't their priority. I think there has been some mismatched expectations for this holiday.

They are adults, they were adults when you met your husband. They won’t see you as a blended family and are just enjoying their annual leave in the country they grew up in. You are being really unreasonable expecting they to babysit your 18 year old

As you say, DH’s children, are in fact grown adults, who are reconnecting with old friends and family. How is that rude? They probably see it as a free holiday, yes, but you can’t expect them to tag along with your DD who doesn’t speak the language and who is younger.

Your expectations of this holiday, have not been managed.

They don’t have any obligation to bring your DD along with them but I do think it was unkind not to ask her whether she’d like to go wakeboarding with them, it wouldn’t gave cramped their style - but they’ve chosen not to be kind and there’s not much you can do about it.

I wouldn’t organize any more blended family holidays unless your DD can bring a friend with her perhaps.