Stepchildren being incredibly rude on holiday

They were practically adults when you got together with your DH with a whole lifetime behind them of making connections in Italy and visiting, its their world essentially but one they only visit. Of course they want to do what they do there, its not like your families were blended from kids so they're leaving a close sibling out.

18 to 23 is a big enough age gap to change the tone of conversation even if they all were speaking one language, let alone translating. They're visiting what is a home away from home to them, but your husband should be funding them if they're spending on things. Yeah it'd be nice for them to bring your daughter along but it's also not unreasonable that they aren't.

Why can’t your daughter arrange to go wakeboarding / into Milan separately? She’s an adult so doesn’t need her parents’ permission.

How much time do the two sisters spend together when they’re not on holiday? Maybe holidays from their Dad are a chance for them to spend time with each other as well as see him.

But you’re not really a family. Sorry. The situation wasn’t of their choosing.

So you've done it twice before and now for a third time expecting a different result? Why not offer to pay for a friend to come if DD needs company? One her own age who speaks her language and enjoys doing the same things as her. What does your DS do on these holidays? Sounds like he amuses himself?

They may also be using not drinking/no drivers licence/not the right language as pretexts to avoid saying outright that they don't want to hang out with your DD.

Which may be hard to accept, but isn't their fault, DDs fault, or yours for that matter

It's just how the cards have fallen for 2 sibling groups of late teens/young adults that can't be made to like each other

You really need to change your expectations! These are adults and you have only been married 2 years.

Your DH adult children are behaving perfectly fine. They are adults with their own friends and interests. They holiday likely as they have done for years with their dad and he seems happy with this.

You need to take a friend for your DD and not expect them to make friends or at all treat her like a sibling. She is not their family or friend. The fact there are language and cultural barriers means this is even harder for them and why should they spoil their holiday for your dd? They are polite to you all and that is really all you need here - you should be trying to just gently get to know them not thrust your dd on them to entertain.

If I was the step children I would think you rude and possibly even meddlesome for trying to force me to babysit your adult dd.

She asked if the daughter could go out with them a couple of times to get a break and some sights away from the parents. They said yes then no.

Where does the OP say that?

She said they seem disinterested, not that they agreed and then took it back.

The point about translating is very valid. It is draining to have to have to translate and think about someone else’s understanding the whole time you’re doing something. It would take a lot of the fun out of a new activity like the wakeboarding that OP suggested.

I think they just don’t see your daughter as a sibling or a friend. Rather than any other excuses like not being old enough as you thought before.

She is simply dad’s wife’s daughter.

I clicked onto this thread expecting it to be about actual children being rude yet here we are and it’s two adults that are enjoying a holiday being asked to babysit essentially another adult.

I mean it would be nice if they took her out once seeing as you and your husband have paid for everything.

The OP and her DH paid for her two adult children to go on the holiday as well, but they aren’t expected to have huge impositions put upon them.

Yes they want to hang around with friends and family. But you say your daughter would like to do a couple of touristy things away from the adults it hardly seems like a big ask of your step children.

So just because one person would like something, other adults are obliged to facilitate it, even if it means sacrificing days of their own holiday and time with friends and family that they rarely see? There’s nothing stopping the OPs dd doing a bit of exploring on her own if she wants some time away from her mum and step dad. The people involved here obviously do think that babysitting an 18year old that doesn’t speak the language they’ll be using is a big ask, and that is entirely up to them.

They aren’t doing anything wrong. The only benefit to them doing what you want would be felt by you and your dd, not them.

If you wanted a family holiday you should of gone somewhere random taking them back to their childhood home obviously they want to catch up with old friends.

I don’t think you’re BU about them never spending any time with you all eg having meals. That is rude but it seems they think it’s fine with your DH. Maybe that’s what they are used to…

But I started teaching at 22 and I felt SO much older than my 18yo sixth former students. I know this is different because it’s a professional relationship but I also felt much older than my 19 yo cousin. 4 years is a big difference at that age, especially if they feel all worldly after going to university or working for a few years. Maybe they could have done an activity with her - but I don’t blame them for not taking her under their wing.

It's hardly a big ask as I said, even taking half a day showing the touristy sites.
Might be a nice thing to do for the people who paid for your holiday.

I have no idea if the OP wants to do the touristy things. Or if they havent already done that with her daughter?

She asked if the daughter could go out with them a couple of times to get a break and some sights away from the parents. They said yes then no. Then they find it tiring to translate.

And that is a surprise to you??

You didn’t think that spending your time translating for all parties involved is tiring, breaks the flow and would stop the fun for everyone?

Im French, dh is British. Dh never comes with me when I see my friends. For that exact reason. (And yes we’ve been married 25+ years too)

The missing family meals thing is ruder than the not taking your DD thing - but that's really on your DH and his expectations of them.

Has he actually said "right, Wednesday we are all eating together and then watching a film" and they've said no, or has it all been vague?

The fact you’ve paid ‘for everything’ doesn’t mean they owe you to be childminding (because unfortunately that’s what taking your dd will feel to them - someone they dint know they’ll be lumbered with for the day). Well not unless you see your relationship with them as purely transactional.

You can expect them to spend time with all of you together. That’s what sharing a hols mean.

@CynicalSunni but if they are going into Milan, it probably isn't to do the Duomo or the museums.

Also, wouldn't OP want to do the touristy things - so maybe they could go in and do the Duomo together than split up so DD gets some independence in the shops or grabbing a coffee.

Your SC are rude, OP. They could have spent at least one or two nights with you, and could have made some kind of effort to integrate you DD and DS into their friendship group while on their home turf! That’s basic manners, and has nothing to do with whom you deem to be family.

The translation thing is an easy get-out for them, yes it slows things down a bit but it’s important to work on the skills that allow you to act as a social lubricant if I’m allowed to use that slightly creepy term. Everyone benefits. But your SC are too self-centred for that.

Just in case it makes any difference, I speak four languages, with a large gap in competency between languages 3 and 4. I would still really enjoy having a stab at translating, and I wouldn’t feel for instance that I’d have to translate from language 4 to language 1 before being able to translate back to, say, language 2 or 3. It does not work that way, at least for me.

I mean it would be nice if they took her out once seeing as you and your husband have paid for everything.

Yes they want to hang around with friends and family. But you say your daughter would like to do a couple of touristy things away from the adults it hardly seems like a big ask of your step children.

It also won’t be much fun for the OP’s DD if they’re mostly speaking in Italian, which they inevitably will be (and they should feel free to do so)

It depends how close they are in general to your kids. They're adults and clearly have quite an established set of friends and things to do there.

You and your partner can't force them. But why can't they pay their own way? Presuming they must have jobs?

I would just be happy my kids were with me and just let them come along to what I was doing. Rather than foist them upon these two unwilling adults who will be with their Italian friends who don't speak English.

I don’t think they’ve done anything wrong either. Taking an unrelated, non-Italian speaking 17 year old along does not sound like fun - why would they?! You need to be doing stuff with her!

Agreed, they are not really step-siblings apart from on paper - they didn't grow up in the same household. Not fair of you to expect them to have a random (to them) teenager tagging along just because their dad has married said teenagers mum. Most parents if they can afford it, at least in my social circle, would take their young adult children on holiday and fund it with no strings attached, but you seem to think they in effect owe you some 'babysitting'.