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Original poster

Stepchildren being incredibly rude on holiday

231 replies

MaxiesHome · 12/09/2025 14:50

DH and I have been together for 5 years, married for 2. He has twin adults who are 23, I have 2 children 18 and 20. My DH is Italian, we decided this year to bring all our children to Italy. His children spent a substantial amount of their childhood in Italy, the rest in France with their French mother. We have been here for 2 weeks now, we spent the first week with his family down in the south of Italy and have been in the lake como area for the last week.

When we were down in the south with his family his children spent a lot of time out, either with old friends or their cousins etc. I brushed it off as them reconnecting with their childhood friends and didn’t see it as rude. Since we got to Lake Como though they have still not spent any real time with us. They have gone wakeboarding and didn’t think to invite my DD who would have enjoyed it, they’ve gone into Milan to meet up with friends, his DD has been on two dates with two different men. They just generally seem very disinterested in spending any time with us as a family, despite my DH and I paying all of the costs associated with the trip. My older DS is autistic and doesn’t really enjoy touristy activities, so I was hoping they would take my DD who’s 18 under their wing a little but they haven’t even tried to. I have suggested they take DD wakeboarding or into Milan as she would really enjoy this and doesn’t really enjoy doing everything with me and my DH as she isn’t a child anymore. I usually get a yeah yeah we will, then they go ahead and leave without her anyway. DH thinks it’s because they will want to relax and have fun with their friends, and that will be harder if they have to translate everything said to DD as she doesn’t speak Italian.
I think it’s really rude to consistently leave her out and more so not make any effort to join us for family meals.

AIBU to be angry with them? What would you do?

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 12/09/2025 17:57

Your husband is taking his kids, you are taking your kids on a joint holiday.

His kids aren't your step kids, you had no part in raising them. They were 21 when you got married. I would bet they see you as their dad's wife and your children as your kids, not step siblings. There's no relationship. There's cultural and language differences that make even more of a gulf.

Frankly, even if they took your daughter along, she would feel like an outsider. They are seeing long time friends. There's an age gap and language barrier. There's the big mental load of translating.

Lake Como is very touristy, why isn't your daughter getting out and doing things if she wants to? Why is it up to his adult kids to entertain your daughter?

PeloMom · 12/09/2025 17:55

Also if she wants to go wakeboarding, she can go with an instructor - this is way safer and she’ll probably have more fun as they can match her skill level and interest.
don’t make your SC to take that responsibility on.

Arlanymor · 12/09/2025 17:54

Why are you still pushing this after the advice you have had on here? I was nearly one of five as my dad was briefly engaged to a woman with three children, and it was me and my sister. I would have been so embarrassed if my dad asked their mum to take me places while on holiday, I really would have.

You're riding roughshod over their opinions and it feels manipulative to ask their dad to put extra pressure on them. You run the risk of spoiling the holiday let alone any future relationship with them.

CopperWhite · 12/09/2025 17:54

Spoke to DH some more about it and he has said he will talk to them about even just taking her wakeboarding once as they are booked to go twice more before the trip ends.

Why would you still be pressuring your DH and them to do this? Have you not taken their hint, or read your thread?

SouthLondonMum22 · 12/09/2025 17:54

MaxiesHome · 12/09/2025 17:47

She’s only just turned 18 and is generally pretty shy and quiet. She likes DHs DS a lot but has said he finds his DD quite intimidating, she admitted it’s probably just as she has quite a chic, worldly, cultured life and doesn’t feel like she is only a few years older. DD has said she’d like to go out with them though as they are both fun to be around, really funny etc.

Show quote history

They clearly don't want to take her and I think you and DD need to accept that.

BettysRoasties · 12/09/2025 17:53

So despite knowing how much they really don’t want to take her you’re still going to get your husband to push it.

They have been giving kind excuses. You might just get a not so kind one eventually.

Hell even his trying to give excuses for them.

CopperWhite · 12/09/2025 17:51

CynicalSunni · 12/09/2025 17:32

'I usually get a yeah yeah we will, then they go ahead and leave without her anyway'

I know translating is hard have done it before. I have done family a favour like this before. I didn't have to, i have shown people around touristy sites which i went to on many a school trip.

I just think it would be nice of them to take the daughter out. Seeing as they're from the country and would be doing their dad and stepmum a small favour.

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I agree with you that it would be nice, but they don’t agree, and that is ok too.

They have made it clear that they just don’t want to and avoided making any plans in the most polite way they can, when they’re been put on the spot and pressured to do something they’ve never shown any interest in doing.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 12/09/2025 17:49

Thanks everyone. Spoke to DH some more about it and he has said he will talk to them about even just taking her wakeboarding once as they are booked to go twice more before the trip ends.

Please, please don't do this. They are grown adults and shouldn't be expected to entertain your daughter.

Original poster
MaxiesHome · 12/09/2025 17:47

Poppins21 · 12/09/2025 17:45

Is your DD a young and quiet 18? As I was backpacking alone on my year off then and I would have found my own fun.

She’s only just turned 18 and is generally pretty shy and quiet. She likes DHs DS a lot but has said he finds his DD quite intimidating, she admitted it’s probably just as she has quite a chic, worldly, cultured life and doesn’t feel like she is only a few years older. DD has said she’d like to go out with them though as they are both fun to be around, really funny etc.

OP posts:
PeloMom · 12/09/2025 17:47

Yeah your expectations are unrealistic. There’s no reason why your DD can’t go into Milan by herself - she’s 18 and she can get by in English. She can take her time exploring and do whatever she likes at her own pace.

Poppins21 · 12/09/2025 17:45

Is your DD a young and quiet 18? As I was backpacking alone on my year off then and I would have found my own fun.

Original poster
MaxiesHome · 12/09/2025 17:45

Thanks everyone. Spoke to DH some more about it and he has said he will talk to them about even just taking her wakeboarding once as they are booked to go twice more before the trip ends. He thinks it’s unfair to expect them to take her to Milan as they aren’t going to be tourist, rather they are meeting up with childhood friends who have since moved to Milan, he also imagines they are probably worried DD would come back and tell me things they don’t want parents to know, he said they usually smoke and maybe even use weed when with their friends so they are probably trying to avoid making DD feel more uncomfortable than she already would just by not speaking the language.
He also noted that as his kids only learnt Italian as children and through him they probably don’t have the same linguistic ability to just flip between Italian and English the way they can with French and English or French and Italian.

OP posts:
tumblingdowntherabbithole · 12/09/2025 17:44

Wow, yes, you're being unreasonable. Massively so.

If you want someone to hang out with your DD then bring a friend and pay for them to join you. It sounds like you can easily afford it.

Hoogieflip · 12/09/2025 17:38

Mauro711 · 12/09/2025 16:28

That is a good point. I speak 4 languages and if I had to translate from my 3rd to my 2nd I would also inadvertadly first translate it into my first language. It is exhausting and it means you can't have fun and spontanious conversations.

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This is really interesting, thanks.

lunar1 · 12/09/2025 17:36

None of the people in this conversation are ‘kids’ and id bet anything the older two aren’t seeing this as a blended family.

they probably don’t see it any differently from their normal trips their dad pays for

User364431 · 12/09/2025 17:36

5 years is not a long time at all. Even if the relationship means a lot to you, to them you are simply the woman their father met after they (presumably) moved out for uni. You didn't parent them from a young age or built up any significant emotional connection. So they don't really owe you their time or company, especially on a homeland trip that their father is presumably paying part or all of.

Welshmonster · 12/09/2025 17:35

Take a friend for your DD next time you go away or just stop giving the adult children free holidays. They can pay their own way.

OnTheRoof · 12/09/2025 17:35

MaxiesHome · 12/09/2025 16:23

DHs DD has now also said she really doesn’t enjoy translating English to Italian or vice versa as in her mind it goes English - French which she then has to translate to Italian all while maintaining the flow and she finds it quite tiring. I guess I should just be more understanding.

I think this would be wise. It sounds like you accept you were BU there. His young adult DC also just sound a lot more independent than yours. Despite being not too far apart in age, they're obviously at quite different stage. I'd make future plans accordingly rather than assuming they'll be available to keep your DD company.

On the family meals point, would DH like them to join you too, or is it more of an informal turn up if you want to arrangement?

Snorlaxo · 12/09/2025 17:35

I wonder if this is a cultural difference and that the stepchildren haven’t been told that this is a family holiday and they see it as a holiday (funded by dad) where the rest of you happen to be in the same country at the same time?

I think it’s understandable that they’d rather dd wasn’t there. The friends have history and it would be quite boring for your dd not to know the background to the jokes and anecdotes that the friends have plus the translating is tough after a drink. If your dd was hoping to do something just with the twins then that’s also unreasonable as they clearly have friends that they want to reconnect with.

It sounds like there’s a history of the twins doing stuff separately and presumably their dad is happy with that? Unless he specifically told them to take your dd with them then I don’t think it’s rude tbh. I don’t think that the fact that you paid means that they owe you their time and attention unless that www specifically said when the holiday was announced. It sounds like family holidays are about everyone travelling to and from a destination and doing separate things in the past so it’s not unreasonable for the twins to do that again this year.

Heronwatcher · 12/09/2025 17:34

Sorry yes I think YABU. They are young adults, on holiday, living their lives. They’ve not grown up with your kids so they aren’t really that interested. I think you perhaps have unrealistic expectations- I think you have to accept that they are not going to ever have a sibling type relationship with your kids, and vice versa.

I don’t think it would be unreasonable for them to be asked to attend a special meal one night, but taking your daughter wakeboarding and to Milan seems much too much to ask of someone who’s on their own holiday too.

Femaleragethemusicall · 12/09/2025 17:33

23 year olds do not want to hang around with 18 year olds.

CynicalSunni · 12/09/2025 17:32

CopperWhite · 12/09/2025 17:13

She asked if the daughter could go out with them a couple of times to get a break and some sights away from the parents. They said yes then no.

Where does the OP say that?

She said they seem disinterested, not that they agreed and then took it back.

The point about translating is very valid. It is draining to have to have to translate and think about someone else’s understanding the whole time you’re doing something. It would take a lot of the fun out of a new activity like the wakeboarding that OP suggested.

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'I usually get a yeah yeah we will, then they go ahead and leave without her anyway'

I know translating is hard have done it before. I have done family a favour like this before. I didn't have to, i have shown people around touristy sites which i went to on many a school trip.

I just think it would be nice of them to take the daughter out. Seeing as they're from the country and would be doing their dad and stepmum a small favour.

SouthLondonMum22 · 12/09/2025 17:31

MaxiesHome · 12/09/2025 17:06

We have tried this before, we went to Martinique with all the kids last April and while they did spend more time with us over all, they went off to play tennis, drink etc. a lot at the resort. Last summer we stayed in Bordeaux and after 3 days they left and went down to Biarritz to go surfing instead. I had hope this year more than in the past they would take DD as she is now an adult and able to drink with them etc. which seemed to be what put them off in Martinique.

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Like you said though, DD is an adult. Why do they need to take her anywhere?

567OverwhelmedFTM · 12/09/2025 17:30

YABU

CalmHiker · 12/09/2025 17:28

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 12/09/2025 16:27

Rude to accept a funded family holiday and ignore your father and step mother.

I wouldn't bother to repeat the experience unless you were going somewhere entirely unrelated to where anyone grew up.

why rude? it's a holiday, not a prison sentence.
Why should people be stuck with each other just because they are "on holiday"?
Surely it's up to everyone what they do while they are away.

You don't fund a family holiday and expect your kids to follow you everywhere once they are old enough to be independent .If they join in, great, if they don't, great too.

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