Not speaking to MIL

Your MIL was incredibly rude to let you down like that having agreed to help with childcare. It was bad enough that she chose to look after someone's cat instead of your daughter but then to look after her other grandchild at the same time is just adding insult to injury.

I would definitely re-think my relationship with her and pull right back. What does your DH think about her behaviour?

Firstly. You are not wrong. She is. Secondly, she let your husband down. I’d have made him unable to go away and need to take time off work. Plus why has he not addressed this hideous behaviour with her. She would never be invited to my house again and I wouldn’t allow my child to visit with her either until she had apologised. That was a hateful thing to do.

I wouldn’t go NC over it but I’d be really annoyed and wouldn’t forget it. I’d just not go out of my way to speak to her and certainly wouldn’t be doing her any favours.
I’ve got a similar situation with my MIL after some really horrible behaviour (out of the blue in an otherwise good relationship) I’ve just massively dialled down any effort I make toward her, I let DH manage the relationship with his side of the family now.

I wouldn't stop speaking to her but I would distance myself. If she contacts you, minimal cool reply. Don't contact her. Don't ask anything of her again, but do nothing for her. If she asks for a favour you say no that's not possible.
If dh wants to see her then that's up to him, but don't get involved & don't visit yourself. If he wants her to see DD then he takes her, not you.
He is not to volunteer you to do anything regarding her.
Any Christmas/birthday presents & cards are down to him.
Your dd is too young to know she is being left out. If she grows up with the status quo that she doesn't see MiL very often, then it won't matter so much as she gets older. She can't miss what she's never had.

I wouldnt be able to let this go either. She put a cat before her own GC and let you all down at the last minute.

I'd not ask her to do anything for me again and i'd also make comments about cats every so often. Ask her how her beloved little [insert cats name] is doing etc

Now you know you can never rely on your MIL.

There might be underlying family dynamics going on or she just might not like you but I wouldn't stop speaking to her. Just be as available as she is when she wants your husband to do stuff. Put a distance between you. Don't ever chase her for anything.

Your MIL has behaved very badly, but not speaking to her is childish. I’d have made my feelings clear at the time. Did you?

Thats not what happened though is it?
She agreed... arrangements were made, then she backtracked because she decided to look after a friends cat instead causing OP to have to take time off work.
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I completely understand your wanting to go NC in this situation. I would want to do the same thing. As a matter of fact, I probably would for a while. However, I hope my better judgment would kick in and I would realize that it is a pointless thing to do. Just limit your exposure to her. And limit your daughters exposure to her. Mt sister has 8 grandchildren and she clearly prefers 3 of them (her daughters children) and did things like this all the time to my two nephews. My nephews kids are clear that they are not a priority in her life.

She promised to help with your daughter, her granddaughter.
She reneged on that commitment and prioritised a friend's cat over her granddaughter
She then cared for her other grandchildren.
Yet some think her behaviour is acceptable?
You are entitled to be hurt at the choices she made. How can she justify her decision making?
You can't trust her so at the very least you should be going low contact.
Would also be interested to hear how your husband is addressing this.

I would not stop speaking to her. I would message her and let her know what I thought and felt then leave the ball in her court. I would ask her no more favours and absolutely do none for her and seek alternative fall back childcare for the future. I’d probably distance myself for a while and make minimal effort and see what she does.

You still havent said what your DH made of it and said?

I don’t have to imagine.

My in-laws have their daughter’s children 3-5 days a week and have done so for the past 14 years. We get two visits a year where they moan to DH about how much they do for his sister. They take said grandchildren on holiday and once offered to take ours but DH pointed out they never had ours for 2 hours so how could they manage 2 days.

I didn’t say anything about forgetting. I definitely haven’t and as I said I lowered any effort I made after that. I didn’t stop talking to MIL because what would that solve.

Your husband needs to take this up with her, disgraceful behaviour

has he not already ????

She didn’t JUST HAPPEN to look after the other grandchildren that day, did she? She declined looking after OP’s daughter so that she can look after a random person’s cats AND her other grandchildren. She CHOSE her other grandchildren and the cats over OP’s daughter and CHOSE to let OP down. This doesn’t just happen, it was a conscious choice she made. That’s quite deliberate to me. I’m not sure I will forgive or forget such attitude. I have grown up being an othered grandchild. The effects are lasting and let me tell you who loses out the most - the grandparents. Particularly when they start to get elderly and more lonely. Awful behaviour from the MIL.

I'm incredibly passive aggressive so would be getting her cat themed everything from now on.

Birthdays: Cat themed gift (like a RSPCA cat sponsorship), cat themed card (with a written message about how she is only 20 in cat years), cat themed cake.

Christmas: Cat themed gift, cat drawn in her christmas card by your daughter, cat christmas tree ornament.

Conversation: "How is your friend's cat?" "DD what is grandma's favorite animal?" "Oh but you love cats more than anything!" "What should be get grandma for her birthday, a kitten!?"

Take her on a day out to a cat cafe, talk about how this must be her dream come true.

If you are really pissed off you could probably find a picture of a cat shaped gravestone, ask her if she would like that one day when the time comes, but that might be taking things too far.

If you have to play nice and continue to talk to her, make sure she gets the message that a cat shouldn't come before her granddaughter ever again.

Never speaking to her again over this will just cause you more problems in the long run. I speak as someone who is no contact with relatives due to them being abusive, the rippling effect and people getting pulled into the drama is awful. There isn’t any other options in my case.

In your situation, however, I would just not be available for her for a while. She wants to see you - no, you are too busy. She wants you to do something - no. It’s petty, but when you are feeling like you do in the long run it will make you feel better and stop resentment forming. It’s also less dramatic than not speaking ever.

This is the best answer. Honestly don’t give her any energy anymore. She has shown a side to her that I would be very reluctant to give back any more than was on offer from her.

Families are very complicated and if you step back you can often see where complicated long standing patterns of behaviour that feed into the minor day to day interactions.

Aside from this incident is she otherwise fine

I wouldn’t not speak to her but I’d bear in mind what she did

You asked for opinions, you’re getting them.

And that wasn’t my advice at all; you’re extrapolating wildly from what I said. Either that or you lack reading comprehension.

Pontificating about what you’d have your daughter believe when you can’t conduct yourself as a mature adult yourself is vaguely amusing. You'll cause more problems than you solve with your approach, but you won’t be the one to suffer for it. Your husband and child will.

My MiL let us down years ago. First DD was 18 months old and I had to go into hospital to have my second by elective c section. MiL told us the night before she could no longer do it. I never asked her to help ever again. Still speak to her but she was a massive let down and she won't get another chance.

I think not speaking to her is a bit childish. I think it's reasonable for your DH to tell her she let you both down and how disappointed you both are then don't ask her again. She clearly cannot be relied upon.

What is your DH take on the situation?, has he spoken to his mum about it and the mess it left you in?

What did your husband say?