Not speaking to MIL

If you read the thread more closely before correcting me, you would see that my first post crossed with the explanation, and I then responded to it, and was thanked by the OP.

Sorry I know this isn't the point of the thread, but why did your DH working away mean that you needed childcare during the day? Does he normally looking after your DC during the day? Is it possible your MIL has a judgement on that and did this so that you 'had' to look after DC?
Agree with PP don't understand why you had to cancel work and not DH.

So your husband arranged childcare so he could work but when it goes wrong the MIL messages you and you are left to take time off?

This is your DP problem to resolve. He should have told the time off. He should have spoken to HIS mum. He needs to address it.

It's not your argument to get involved in or upset about

OP did give her MIL a chance to apologise or explain though. She has said:

'I did message MIL when all this happened. I was not rude or nasty. I told her I was hurt by her actions towards my daughter and husband. She never replied.'

OP hasn't just 'taken against' her MIL. She has reacted to her MIL's unacceptable behaviour. Her husband is very upset as well about his daughter being treated so much worse that his sister's daughter by his own mum.

I’d fuck her off Op. Can’t believe she let you down and made you take time off work for a cat?? A CAT!! As if the cat cares who feeds it??! I would be fuming. She sounds dense.

After reading the rest of the story, there is nothing more you can say. You reached out, she ignored you. She could have apologized but she didn't. Unless you want to give her a complete pass, then you are left waiting for an apology that will likely never come.

She sounds inclined to do what she wants and doesn't feel bad about letting you down or not including your daughter. She also seems quite stubborn, to literally ignore your message and disregard your feelings. She either knows that this will lead to a stand off between the two of you or she is used to having her family never expect accountability from her and just "move on".

She's made a few choices here. You shouldn't have to turn the other cheek and just accept that she can blow you off. It's her job to repair this, not you.

I hope she apologies to you, she was out of order.

She sounds awful

Choosing a cat over your child
Choosing a new arrangement over one she had already committed to
Letting you down and then not acknowledging your messages about it

Has your husband ever said 'please can we discuss this, we still feel upset about being left in the lurch and having to arrange emergency leave because you let us down last minute for a cat'. Has he ever discussed other examples of how she favours the other grandchild with her?

I think ignoring her is a bit extreme. But I wouldn't rely on her to help ever and i wouldn't go out of my way to help her, ever. I'd see her but on my terms if it was convenient (unless you think the favouritism is so blatant that it will damage your child to see it in front of them in which case I'd avoid)

That's very different.

I would say that the only way is to let her know how you feel, and how hurt you are. Maybe (and this is not an excuse but a possible explanation) she didn't work herself when her children were young, so she didn't realise how difficult it is when childcare is unreliable? I don't know - it's hard to think of a reasonable explanation, but there must be a reason for it. At least if you speak to her she will know that it wasn't acceptable. If your husband supports you in this, so much the better.

I'd just step back in the relationship, if stop making any effort.

Can't believe she dropped you in it, to help a cat who had a sitter arranged anyway.

That's INSANE

Shes putting a cat over her own grandchild.

I would be making zero effort for her or to facilitate any relationship with my child.

I’d be very angry but ‘never speak to her again’ is rather dramatic.

She sounds like an old bitch

What was your relationship like before this?

Does she usually favour the other grandchildren?

I can understand your annoyance to be honest. Especially if you gave her a chance to explain and she ignored you.

OP, fast forward 20-odd years, when your daughter has a child of her own and her husband/partner takes against you and decides to go no contact without giving you a chance to apologise or explain. How would you feel?

I am not excusing your MIL, as based on the info we have in your post, it was poor. But refusing to speak to her ever again? Have you never let anyone down, or otherwise behaved in ways you've regretted later?

Does your husband get a say in this? Does he miss out on family occasions to be with you, or do you stay at home and sulk? What are you teaching your daughter about how to negotiate relationships? No forgiveness or compassion - just cut people off when they get something wrong? I hope you are the perfect mother if so, as with a 15 month old child you have a long way to go.

Why didn’t your DH call her and say that if she didn’t look after your DC as planned then he would have to cancel his work trip and deal with any knock on effects to his career because of it?

I’m not sure how this became your problem to resolve and I certainly wouldn’t have cancelled any of my work days. I would have phoned my DH, told him the situation and got him to speak to his mum/cancel his work trip.

Your career is just as important as your husband's.

I haven't voted, as you are obviously NBU to be disappointed and cross, but 'not speaking to her ever again' makes you sound immature, plus it will just eat you up inside.

You can be cool towards her, and/or you can tell her how really annoyed you are. You can remember how she let you down and then not be willing to help her out as and when you might otherwise have done, but 'not speaking' is not the way to go.

My MIL is a very effusive and enthusiastic gran, who adores my son - but she still pulled this crap on my birthday when she'd agreed to look after my son. Just decided she could go to a party and show up a few hours later than planned, but thought it was ok because she'd just have him in the evening instead.

She's desperate to look after him all the time, but just doesn't realise that jerking us around makes us reluctant to rely on her!

But I treat it with an eye roll and a lack of trust. I don't have the mental energy to waste trying to make her other than what she is.

Your daughter is 15mths old and oblivious right now.
Stop being childish. If you’re upset with her, talk to her about it, or get your DH to talk to her. ‘Not speaking to her’ is schoolyard behaviour.

there are more mature and less petulant ways of addressing issues than not speaking to someone ever again. Yes her behaviour was rude but at 15 months your daughter will not be aware of this, and it was more of a snub to you not your daughter.