Do you think this is a nice person you’d want to be around ?

First instance is a nothing, the second, I’m not keen on dogs at social events at all but it was her house so as much as I don’t like it, well it’s her home.

I think you are dwelling very much on these two things and deep down you are using these to justify not liking her.

I am not saying she is lovely or anything but why on earth are you dwelling on this stuff?

I think you do not know what genuine awful behaviour is within family settings. My Mother would have called you highly strung, which is a term not used these days.

I realised a few years ago that I didn't have to do something just because someone else thought I should. So I don't.

No need to make a big deal out of it, just don't be available for any invites in future. Any big family parties will probably have enough people there that you don't have to have much to do with her.

Given you hardly see this relative, is it really worth giving this any headspace, as others have said? I see some family members precisely once a year and the last time I saw them one of them was incredibly rude to me (much worse than your examples), basically went on a character assassination. I was upset for the short spell of time I had to spend with this person then moved on. I have a great life full of lovely people, the fact that one person who I don’t much like dislikes me is water off a duck’s back. Are you generally happy in your life? If so, remember that and hold on to the feeling when you find yourself around objectionable people - it really helps. There are mantras I sometimes say in my head in these situations, that I can share, if you’re interested.

I think you're making the right decision.

You’re making a massive deal out of some really minor incidents. The first one is a non-issue. The second one is a single moderately annoying incident that most people would have thought ‘Jeez, no need for that’ about and then moved on.

You obviously have a big grudge against her; fine, you don’t have to like her. But you sound really obsessive and intense about it and you’re being OTT. We all have people in our lives that we find a bit irritating. It’s really not something to be this bitter about.

We were at a family function and I really wanted to get home to get the baby to sleep etc and said something like, I really need to get home because it’s all my problem with the baby of course because DH works such long hours and I’m feeling very tired and if she doesn’t go to sleep at a certain time, I’ll be up all night.

It's not that you aren't allowed to moan, but all you were saying there is that someone came to speak to you and. You told them how much you wanted to leave!

The second situation would have been far easier to manage if your husband was looking after one of the children.

Sounds like you e made up your mind to dislike her though...

I think both of these are total non issues.

but up to you if you want to let them linger and annoy you.

This. First instance is you being precious. Second one is worse but not that big a deal.

Where did she actually treat you so " badly"

I think I agree with you, more so with the second example.
she knew you had 2 young kids, lots of hazards around with the pool and dog, yet did nothing to accommodate your family.
Clearly shows you how little the kids mean. I wouldn’t bother to go out of my way too.

@ahwhatthehrll

In that case she is completely bonkers and doesn’t deserve any headspace

You are coming across as being quite hard work tbh.

She sounds really mean and I would keep my distance as best as possible.

Was the living room closed off at the party, or was it open for guests to enter? If it was closed off, I would have either left the party completely or asked before using the room. But I wouldn’t worry about it in hindsight.

Sounds like your conscious is telling you you generally and broadly need more boundaries ( but don't we all)
And a stronger sense of self. And to self advocate in a balanced and safe way. She might be getting under your skin to alert you to a wider issue of having enough engergy to be present to what's right for you, beyond 'social conditioning' of the moment - you know you needed to leave and she's weird.

These things can feel really subtle and untangeable when it happens in the moment. The social programming of women and wives to be nice and not make a fuss is real.results in intution for real danger getting turned off.

I know I've left health issues slide ( like she dismissed your exhaustion) and dismiss myself bc others told me to get over it. Dosent really work like that though.

I don't think either occasion would have bothered me much, certainly not to the extent of "holding a grudge".

Why have you bothered with this thread? You keep describing her as shitty and you've already decided how you're going to act around her in future. You're mind's made up so why ask for opinions?

You can get a strong impression you don't like someone by one or two incidents. That's totally fine. You don't need to like everyone and they don't need to like you.

Just don't see them unless it's unavoidable at a large gathering. But holding onto resentment about a couple of things that happened a long time ago won't really do you any favours. She's just not your type of person. Cast no further thoughts upon it.

It's honestly impossible to say OP. You've given two examples of thoughtless/unsympathetic behaviour which happened a few years apart but we don't know how much time you spent with her between those events.

You do not need the internet's permission to dislike her and you can choose whether you spend time with her or not.

The first example of the comment made wouldn't bother me..

The second incident with the dog would really annoy me.

The first example is a big fat nothing in my opinion, the second is a bit unkind but I wouldn't hold a grudge over it.
You're giving it too much headspace.