To pass on a secret my DD shared with me?

All sounds dead innocent, a kid in the same year, just a walk in the park after school. I still feel that the mum ought to know

Why do you feel the other mum "ought to know" that her DD is going for a walk in the park after school with a boy?
Is it because you feel you have a right to know about all the ins and outs of your own daughters life?

Do you give your DD privacy? Do you respect her right to privacy? To form relationships without your input? To meet boys her own age from school without you knowing?
If not, that might be why she is habitually secretive and doesn't tell you stuff.

You need to trust that you have brought her up right; with common sense and sound moral values; and trust her to make good choices.
Then you need to give her privacy and let her have her childish secrets.
That is how you keep a good relationship with teens.

The biggest piece of advice I can give you for navigating the teenage years is not to overreact. You are very much overreacting to this. Unless it's something illegal or dangerous then you do not get involved. The kind of reaction you should have to this is "oh how nice, hope she enjoys herself" and that's it.

My daughter's tell me all sorts about their friends, relationships, stuff that's happened at school and if they thought I was going to react badly, phone school, phone other parents I doubt they'd ever tell me anything.

When they start secondary you do have to take a huge step back, I don't involve myself in their friendships or fall outs.

Well only if you want your DD to know she can’t trust you with anything and never to tell you anything ever again.

They aren’t cooking meth and shooting up in the park, there’s nothing to report. Snout out.

100% do NOT betray your child’s trust.

I do understand your discomfort about knowing something about your friends daughter that she doesn't know but I wouldn't share anything my DC told me about another child unless they were in a dangerous situation.

My son tells me things about his friends that I know he wouldn't tell me about him and we're pretty close. Silly little embarrassing things they do that he thinks is funny when it's about them but wouldn't want me to know about him iyswim.

There is absolutely no reason for you to share this

In this instance I would stay out of it, especially as you are working on your relationship with your own dd - which is your priority. Definitely say nothing.

Ive got a daughter who im extremely close with and she tells me everything - usually just drama with friends and boys etc but on one occasion I had to go over her head - her friend was sniffing Deodorant through a towel in her bed room and my daughter told me. My daughter was begging me not to say anything as her friend would know she told me. I explained this could kill her friend and I rang the other mum instantly. My daughter was freaking out but understands now this could have killed her friend. The other mum was extremely grateful and I would hope someone would tell me if my child was in this type of danger.

Honestly a date with a boy her same age isn't something you need to break your own daughters trust with. If it was a grown man then that would be different of course.

Her friend isn’t planning on packing a bag and running away with this boy. She’s meeting him at the park and they’ll probably not even hold hands.

This isn’t some dark dirty secret. It’s a bit of exciting gossip that your daughter shared with you.

Do not say anything. You will break her trust.

This wasn’t a ‘bad secret’ or anything warranting having concerns for the friend’s safety or wellbeing.

The ONLY time you should ever get involved in her friends business is if you think they may be seriously putting themselves in danger (meeting a stranger they've never met before, who could be anyone etc), and even then you should go about it correctly, talking to DD about why it is so dangerous and why you would need to intervene, then coming up with a way to do it together with minimal damage to anyone's relationships.

Never go behind her back as a first resort as it WILL get back to her and she won't ever trust you again.

You need to keep communication open.

I mean this kindly but it’s pretty obvious why your daughter doesn’t share with you, isn’t it?
Why would it even enter your head that this needed reporting back? I don’t think I’ve ever seen such an, almost, unanimous poll on MN.

Learn to step back before she tells you even less!

You have a lovely relationship with your DD. Trust is everything through teen years. 💞

I wouldn’t be overly concerned and I’m a classic over thinker. You could ask her what she thinks of the boy her friend is meeting, if she has any worries there’s her chance to let you know. Keep it casual though.

I still think it’s a good idea to have the good secrets and bad secrets chat but maybe as a separate and unconnected conversation.

You sound like a caring mum x

parenting teens is a minefield.

There is a balancing act between making sure your child knows they can tell you anything and getting them into trouble by passing on that info (meaning they then stop telling you!)

This info does not need to be passed on to the other mum. but it is a good chance to discuss safety with your daughter eg reinforcing that you should always tell someone where you are going etc and maybe encourage her to encourage her friend to tell her mum.
If she had revealed it was a 17 year old boy (which would need to be passed on to the mum) it is important to discuss with your daughter why that info cannot be kept secret so she understands why you need to betray her trust.

It is really hard to parent your child whilst still ensuring they are not scared to call you at 1am because they have snuck out to a party and are too drunk and scared!

Don’t tell the mum. We don’t live in Afghanistan where a boy and girl can’t go to the park together.

You are risking your DD’s friendship (and by proxy the one with your friend) if you meddle in this. They will probably hold hands at most, they aren’t shagging or doing drugs. If you tell, your dd will stop telling you stuff and that’s the last thing that you want. Ask dd casually in a day or two how the date went. Hopefully that will reassure you that you did the right thing.

Now is the time to build solid trust with your daughter. She’s 11 and proper teenage scrapes and hopefully near misses are on the horizon for her and her friends.

You need to keep your powder dry for when a genuine problem or worry comes along.

You have no need to betray your daughter's trust.

There is an excellent book for navigating the years ahead OP called Untangled.

If you are an over thinker, and I tend to agree having read your OP, you should find it useful

I am thinking I'll ... have a chat to DD about good and bad secrets.

And what is the secret here? That DD's friend is going to the park after school, with someone from her year? Like hundreds of other Y7s across the country?

Is this a good secret or a bad secret? Unless the park is a known drug den and should be avoided there's nothing "bad" about it. If the friend is lying to her mum and claiming to be somewhere else, then that's "bad" but not panic worthy - and the sort of thing I'd encourage DD to say to her friend that it's ok to tell her mum (or at least to say meeting a friend if she doesn't want to call it a date).

If there's a reason that the friend can't say something as innocuous as "I'm going to the park after school" to her mum, then that's a reason not to pass the information on, and to encourage DD to be supportive.

Missed your message while furiously typing mine. I definitely don't instantly know what to do! However I think when they become teenagers/ go into secondary school you need a big switch to flip over in your brain which changes from 'it takes a village to raise a child' to 'my relationship with my teen is literally the only way I have of keeping them safe' and act accordingly. It's a transition for everyone!

YABU

Aw OP I know how easy it is to overthink this stuff, especially with all the (correct) child protection information about secrets etc. I'm glad you've decided to keep it to yourself. Secret dates are a bit of a rite of passage and it's so good your daughter told you, if anything more concerning ever pops up that you need to act on then she will be more likely to tell you.

If you tell, not only will DD not tell you anything about her friends again, she won't tell you when she has a "date".

It’s two kids going for a walk in the park, total non issue. Betraying DD’s trust when totally unnecessary is one sure fire way to end any open communication.

If your daughter had told you that it was a friend going on a date with a 17 year old, or two kids sneaking off with a bottle of vodka, then yeah you weigh it up and sometime you do need to break that trust but two kids going to the park is not that.