Am I being unreasonable placing time limits on upcoming night out?

Don’t be ridiculous.
I go out once a week with my friends (sometimes twice if there’s a special occasion) and we have been known to drink a fair bit of wine.
Are you suggesting my DH’s standards are ‘through the floor?

Your standards are on the floor if you think it's OK for a father of young kids to binge drink every week.

This is the nub of the problem, isn't it. Coming home at 3am, possibly waking op/baby, and hungover and useless the next day - you don't want to be dealing with that once a week.

Also if his mates are smoking these "recreational drugs" then he will be getting a dose too from passive smoking.

She’s not the default parent 🙄 he’s out one night a week and home the other six.

Theres nothing stopping her from going out herself and there’s also no reason to be home at a set time just because you have children.

Then the issue there is that you have a shit partner who isn’t taking on their share of parenting and drudgery.

However I see way too many threads on here from
women who blatantly don’t trust their partners to parent or who do housework and then wonder why they end up burnt out and frustrated.

Oh, also: 💯 percent doing coke.

Sure you can. The children do. Why us she the default parent?

They do have the same level of freedom it’s just that too many of them don’t use it, then complain that they’re exhausted or burnt out or lonely.

There’s absolutely nothing disrespectful about it as long as it’s agreed in advance.

Getting drunk til the early hours every week when you have two young kids at home.

What ISN'T disrespectful about that?

I'm not saying he's bad. I just don't agree with OP's complaint being labeled as controlling.

He's out one night a week. OP can choose to do as she pleases any other night.

This isn’t about control. It’s about unfairness. He can choose what he wants to do. The tasks associated with being a good father are also what he chooses to do. Meanwhile, women are expected to compromise. It’s unfair that women are held to a higher standard of understanding. He has the freedom to go out and come home late at night, but women don’t have the same level of freedom. That’s unfair. When women finally speak up about this, it’s labeled as controlling.

Get a babysitter and go with him.

😂 you’re right. I live in the sticks. Pubs close at closing time!

Once I was over 40 I couldn't find any friends that would stay out past midnight with me. Are his friends younger?

I think once a week is a bit frequent considering your circumstances, especially because if he's drinking he'll be hungover a half useless the next day. Do you feel you need his help when he's gone or can you manage? I wouldn't mind him going if it wasn't putting an unreasonable burden on me but I do think when you have 2 under 2 it's pretty intense and you have to make sacrifices.

Maybe ask him to take the children once a week so you can have some time to do something you enjoy to make it fair. He might reconsider how frequently he goes out when he's having to repay the favour!

Its very important for fathers of very young children to get rat arsed on a regular basis, don't you know - weirdly society doesn't feel quite the same about mothers

Being blunt here but I reckon he's 100% taking coke.

Interesting! Other than mat leave neither of us have been at home long term. If one person doesn't want to do things that shouldn’t stop the other one doing them (within reason).

Maybe for some this could be true but for some if they are the default parent they are usually too knackered to go out. Their life has usually changed beyond recognition. Alcohol and a hangover is the last thing they want if they are utterly exhausted and sleep deprived. The idea of going out or hobbies can be such a gear change the extra energy and stress that can cause just doesn't seem worth it. Far easier for men to continue this once a baby has arrived less has changed for them.

I know it's possible. I do not think it's as normal as we are led to believe on the whole. I think it's more common that people grow apart. It's rare that people will grow together in such a similar direction that they remain happy in a romantic partnership.

I'm not saying it's not possible.

But OP is asking how can this man have such different interests now. Well that's why, and I think people need to be allowed to grow apart without it feeling like a failure. It's not a failure. You just need to rejig things sometimes.

There is. He's literally prioritising going out over being fit to do what needs to be done and not be nasty or useless the next day. There are some things that might be a matter of opinion in this scenario, but that isn't one of them. He wouldn't be like this if he weren't going out, since we know he's fine the rest of the time, and he's making the decision that the going out comes first despite it making at least one person around him suffer the next day.

It might, depending on specifics, be possible to construct a very different going out scenario where he wasn't doing those things, but this is not it.

Going out once a week to play a hobby- fine. Coming home at 3am every week is not.

going out as a one off to celebrate a relatives wedding- fine.

The thing is though with very young children and bedtime routines it’s not possible for both people to constantly be going out.

Assuming the DP works full time he is likely out the house all week and just has evenings at home and weekends. On work nights around young children it can be very hard to get quality time. If then on the Friday night DP stays out till 3am and gets up grumpy at 11am Saturday were is the quality time? So then OP says I will go out Saturday night till 3am and get up 11am Sunday and be grumpy. How does this solve it?
It’s not really a relationship then is it. It’s 2 people leading separate social lives, co-parenting mostly separately and having sex sometimes… This is why is rarely works when people say well I will just start going out tit for tat. Personally OP I would do it once just to see how he reacts as I imagine he would not be pleased at all.