Am I being unreasonable placing time limits on upcoming night out?

And I think by mentioning it he is placing hints there to see your response

but almost definitely Coke given what you have said

you Know this as well because you know the drunk him abd you know this is different

and he is literally showing textbook signs

Yes all signs of coke use I’m afraid and definitely not drinking

have you noticed money being spent on these nights out as well

Coke

He sounds grim after a night out. That is the issue, not the going out, but what he is like when he gets back in. Does he drive?

Selfish and foolish behaviour that affects your family is always disrespectful.

I think what you need to start doing is scheduling some time every week where you go somewhere, be it with friends or alone for a few hours while he minds the kids. I wouldn’t try to stop him from this night out but talk to him about how you feel when he stays out late after darts night.

It does sound like he's taking coke, I'm afraid.

You definitely want to try and have a low key chat about it with him at a time when he's not high or hungover. No accusations, just asking him what he does and how he feels about it.

So he's coming in wasted and then expecting sex from you whilst you have a baby that still wakes in the night?

Do you stay out until 3 am every week?

I go out a lot without DH, but I'm never out as late as that.

Possibly selfish. Definitely foolish. But disrespectful?

Tell me you have an alcohol problem without telling me you have an alcohol problem.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/alcohol-misuse/

I'm not debating alcohol misuse with someone so uneducated.

Binge-drinking once a week is alcoholism level

No it isn't.

@Givemeguidance ask him to be in by midnight for the next few weeks on some small pretext (help settle baby into a routine, you can’t get to sleep if he’s not home yet). If he flies off the handle at a small request like that, you’ll have your answer about the drugs (especially if it’s coke).

Binge-drinking once a week is alcoholism level whether ‘functional’ or not and whether you personally think it is ‘problematic’ or not. It simply is as a standard of health, individual wellbeing and relationship wellbeing.

If you think children are irrelevant when considering problematic alcohol use and alcoholism, then best of luck to you, your kids and your standards.

’Being allowed’ is not the issue here - that’s simplistic and infantilising. If your boundary is no problematic drinking for your children and your relationship then you’re within your rights to set that boundary. What the other person chooses to do in the face of that is their issue.

You can’t give your DH a curfew, he’s an adult. you can state what you’d like (and any implications that might arise as a consequence), but you can’t decide what he can and can’t do. If he wants to go out, as long as he is able to manage his responsibilities the next morning, he is free to spend some leisure time as he wishes. And you should be given the same freedoms- if tries to place restrictions on your free time/stops you having any, then he is wrong too. And a hypocrite.

Having children does not mean you suddenly have to give up all social interactions/nights out/hobbies etc- I haven’t, nor has my DH. I go out with friends (including some late nights and night(s) away) and take part in my hobbies and have done since they were small. As did/does my DH, and I think it is really important that we both do so. It’s fine if you prefer to stay at home, of course, but that shouldn’t mandate your partner/spouse do the same. As long as you have equal opportunities to spend time as you please, and neither are spending money your household can’t afford on going out/hobbies etc, and your activities are not rendering you unable to carry out family responsibilities outwith your free time, then all is fine.

If any one of those criteria are not being met, you have a problem that needs addressed- e.g. doing the hobby/going out less frequently/spending less if it the cost that is the issue; ensuring the other partner does get their fair share of free time; getting back earlier/going out or doing your hobby every other week.

However, you say he is a good father, spends time with the children, works hard and pulls his weight with chores/household tasks. If this is true, then he must be picking up his share, even if he is out late.

if he is coming home pissed and waking you/the children up- he needs to address that. Yes, being absolutely rat-arsed every Friday night is probably not ideal, and I’d be asking him to cut back on that because it’s not great- but as long as he is able to get up when he needs to (I.e. not lying in bed with a hangover the next day) and safe to do what he needs to do (look after the kids, drive etc), then I think it’s harder to demand he does what you want, as you want all the time.

The only real issue is that he’s hungover IMO and even then that’s only a problem if he can’t shut up and power through.

Telling a grown adult that they aren’t allowed to stay out past a certain time is ridiculous behaviour - and having children at home shouldn’t come into it either.

And I'm entitled to an opinion on someone's standards.

You keep bringing it back to 'going out with your mates' which is seriously minimising the issue and making it too simplistic. Not once have I said it's unreasonable to go out with your friends once a week.

What I have said is unreasonable and accepting low standards is binge-drinking, coming in at 3am and being hungover the following day every week, when you have two young children at home.

Stop taking the one element of 'seeing your mates' and pretending that's all it boils down to.

Just because someone disagrees with you doesn’t mean their “standards are on the floor”.

Going out of the your mates once a week is healthy and IMO more women should do it rather than feel
obliged to stay home on the sofa every night.

Yeah I mean there is such a thing as working on relationships. Marriage and relstionship counsellors wouldn't exist if it wasnt possible to sometimes mend relationships..I was in a marriage where I was unhappy and left 5 years later than I should have done, so I do know about the downside. However, sometimes I think people give up when with a bit of tweaking and support they could have mended the glitches..I know at least two couples who went through really bad patches but pulled through and are now really settled again and happy..But yes....its sort of all on a case by case basis isn't it.

If you're drinking problematically (which weekly binge-drinking is) then yes.

OP's H is doing this weekly, coming in at 3am, hungover and moody the next day and has two young kids at home.

100% a problem and her H is 100% unreasonable.

The shift in behaviour is the issue here.

My husband goes out once a week to play football. Often starts at 7 or 8 for an hour, then an hour or two at the pub afterwards having a couple of pints. Then train home (doesn't drive because of alcohol) which has some slightly dodgy connections, and he sometimes isn't home until after midnight.

I'm not accusing him of 'behaving like a single man' and sometimes wished he made the effort to socialise more! Though admittedly our only child is 6, and I have time out of the house myself with him looking after our child, no issues.

The issue is the shift in behaviour and whether or not it is having an impact on you.