Am I being unreasonable placing time limits on upcoming night out?

Sadly I have to agree with posters suggesting coke. Exactly what happened with my ex. I was putting it down to hobby and being taken by the drink as I never was around anyone who took coke before so didn't know the difference. It only came out when he left as he couldn't hide it any more when I started to notice things weren't adding up. Then the battle of trying to get him clean for 2 years. Unsuccessfully. Coke allows them to drink more, which also makes them more moody next day when coke effect worn off. Raging sex drive is very much coke symptom on top of sniffing. The more you accuse, the more he will hide. Check his wallet and pockets...

You sound nervous to confront him. As he is the father of 2 young children, I do not think he is "entitled to take drugs", nor to shirk his responsibilities by rolling in drunk. How can he be a "model father, otherwise"? I worry that you will begin to doubt your own sanity and sense of self if you do not challenge this. I have been through this, and, it seems to me that when they think you are you are stuck at home, looking after the children, this is when this behaviour begins. You should not be left "feeling rubbish"!

No one is mentioning you are providing childcare so he can do these things so it ought to be something agreed between you, otherwise I’d feel totally used

Yes I think you are being unreasonable . Once a week is fine.
Id be quite angry if my dp ever tried to put a time limit on my nights out with friends.
Just because some of his friends are doing drugs, doesn't mean he is. I think the drugs test idea is a bad one, I'd be absolutely furious at the suggestion ( and no it's not because I use them, I don't).
I'd find too many aspects of what you are saying controlling tbh and I couldn't tolerate it off my dp.
I think it would be a better idea to also have one evening a week to yourself. To do what you want to do. You deserve it ( and sound like you need it ).

If you read all the OP's posts, its not the going out one night a week she objects to at all.

Its the coming home absolutely shitfaced on what sounds like a mix of booze and cocaine, initiating rough sex, and then being a useless moody arse on a downer all the following day, ruining half her weekend as well as friday night.

I don't think its remotely controlling to object to that.

YABU. Why can’t he have one night out a week with his friends / family?

If you have anything to complain about, it would be if he is somehow stopping you from going out, but you’ve not said that.

The only possible conclusion is that you are controlling.

Sorry, read all the OP’s posts and thought it was the one night a week - a Friday night. Might be wrong there though! If it were many times a week he was rolling in drunk at 3am, I’d be fuming. Once a week isn’t so bad, but he sounds AWFUL when he does come in. Whether it’s drink or drugs, I’d be exiling him to the sofa downstairs and telling him that he’d better not come up and disturb us. Then hoovering the downstairs/putting on laundry/running the blender at 7am. With Radio One at full volume.

You can’t ban him but keep an eye on how late beyond closing time he is getting back- I feel something is making you uneasy about this.

Seriously I'd be walking out of the door. You cannot give an adult a curfew. Would you like him to do it to you, if the shoe was on the other foot?

YABU

Seriously I'd be walking out of the door. You cannot give an adult a curfew. Would you like him to do it to you, if the shoe was on the other foot?

YABU

How can he be a model father if hes going out multiple times a week and shirking his parental duties?

No but you can ask a dad to co parent properly and not go out until the early morning multiple times a week, especially when both kids are still babies.

@Givemeguidance id order them first and have them in the house .
Next time he comes in say “I think you’re doing drugs” then. “ would you do a drugs test “?
He will likely say yes and not expect it to happen there and then .
So you say great here’s one now !

I wouldn’t just be blaming drugs on his attitude to you .
He is choosing to go out drinking a few times a week . Why isn’t he getting up through the night?
Also it’s effecting the mood in the house the next day.
Drugs aside, he is either commited to his family or not .
I will say op sadly if it is Coke I think you have lost the life you had , you will have to stand by and watch lies after lies and this behaviour.

You are going to have to set strong boundaries and stick to them . Even if it means your marriage is over .

Op you don’t have to accuse him of taking drugs.

You can simply say
Dear husband when we had children I never signed up for this life. It’s making me sad, lonely and stressed that you roll in at 3am off your face and start trying to get me to have sex when you know I have just spent the day doing the grunt work of parenting our beautiful 2 children you wanted to have with me. If you had been like this when we met I would not have married you. Is this really the life you envisaged with me? Or can you compromise here please and come home at 12am after darts and not wake me and get up next morning so I can have lie in? And once a month could we please go out together? I love you but I can’t live like ships that pass in the night - especially when you roll in pissed, horny and totally off your face every Friday.

His response will speak volumes!

If he is taking coke you need to make sure he hasn’t got any on him personally because this can be fatal if it the baby or child ingest any!!

I guess when 2-3+ people try to tell OP that she's unreasonable when the father of her infant children is rolling in blind drunk every week from binge drinking then it makes you kind of snide, yeah.

If people want a nod of agreement for alcohol misuse in front of children, then they can look for it elsewhere.

Wow what a snide comment to make.

I think coke too.

I would set an ultimatum. I spent years being made to feel I was controlling and ex was under the thumb and lo and behold he secretly built up thousands in debt while I cosplayed as being completely cool with him going out to pubs and clubs.

It’s not worth it. If I could go back with all my knowledge now I would say “if you want that life fine but you do it on your own, and I’ll hold out for someone who doesn’t.”

Fuck me. I think you need to open your eyes @Givemeguidance
He’s going back to someone’s house after the darts and some of these people take drugs.
He then comes in at 3am as you describe, when he knows you’ve been on your own with the babies and wants rough sex.
Come on, you know what’s happening here

Coke

Op you are perfectly entitled to feel like this isn’t what you signed up to. Let’s face it if he’d turned up like this a few dates in - drunk, slurring, likely coked off his head trying to initiate tough sex - what would have happened? You’d have never married him I bet! Certainly not thought oh look there is the future father of my children.

I really think you need to be brave and talk to him about it on a non drinking/drug day. Can you arrange a date night? Would he ever give up the Friday night for you? If not that’s a problem in itself.

Are his parents/your parents nearby? They must have noticed this charge too though I imagine they of course don’t don’t the half of it and the state he comes home in.

It’s really not ok though. Just because he’s an ok dad some of the week doesn’t mean he gets to stay out till 3am every Friday and come home hyped up trying to get tough sex and talk your head off in his drugged up state. You must be shattered and so drained by it all. Think if it was a close friend disclosing this to you. If it’s drugs (which is sounds like as blind drunk isn’t hyper) then the sooner he stops or gets help the better.

You poor thing, that sounds grim.

But can't you talk to the "nice, kind-hearted" version of him about it?

I think it sounds like coke, sorry OP.

Even if it isn't coke I think fundamentally changing your lifestyle is not something you're entitled to do at any stage of a marriage. I can't imagine my fitness obsessed very hands-on DH suddenly behaving like this and it would upset me greatly.

You do need to address this and let him know he is jeopardising your family setup.