Am I being unreasonable placing time limits on upcoming night out?

IME - men on coke are very horny but often can’t climax or lose their erection. Does that happen OP?

I also don’t find that people on coke sniff all the time that’s a bit of an urban myth.

However I can’t think of anyone who sits up til 3am with other people taking coke and not do it themselves. It would be so boring.

I think you can get wipes that show up coke. Run them over the edges of his bank cards / keys and see if they come up?

I get it OP - you wish he didn’t want to do that! It can be hard being the default parent when BF.

Me and DP only have one child and there’s no way he’d go out til the early hours once a week. He’d consider it a waste of time and family funds.

Like others say though, if he wants to and you have the money and he’s still pulling his weight otherwise, you can’t stop him.

You should explain that you’ll be taking equal personal time when the baby is older though, and he can babysit!

I dont think you're wrong about darts and lads culture but I think cousins mile stone birthday is the night to make your hill to die on

We all know those men who have to "ask the wife" and later say, "My wife says I can't." It's pathetic, honestly.

So I wouldn't set limits. That being said, I'd let him know it bothers you.

From where I sit, it sounds like he is trying to skirt the responsibility of two kids or have reasons to get out rather than be home. I doubt it's an affair, but more like reliving his younger days rather than accepting this new phase of life and added work that comes with a second baby and two under two.

I'd be annoyed as hell, OP.

This is excellent advice. It’s not making an accusation which is hard to prove and could turn into a huge row, it’s just being very honest about how his new lifestyle is making you feel.

I agree with others that people in their 40s don’t carry on at someone’s house after the pub closes unless there are drugs involved. If he’s a good dad he should be knackered by midnight and ready to go home.

Sounds like you need to get a hobby

You have said he is a model father so him having a game of darts and a few drinks is harmless if it was constant and he wasn't pulling his weight at home then you would have to tell him it can't go on.
Once the baby is more independent in feeding.
Hubby can look after the kids and you pick up your hobbies again or nights out with the girls.
You both still entitled to down time .

I chose to ignore this poster as they are either projecting massively or just enjoy being judgemental to strangers on the internet.
Either way, not worth my time.

I dont think its unreasonable to feel this way, i’m all for having separate hobbies, not living in each others pockets until you have children together then you become a team.
If you have enough money to share nights out, either together or apart, making sure you are both getting a fair share of them.
If money is tight then its totally unfair and resentment builds.
I am happy spending money on family times, holidays, if my children are ok then i’m ok but i know my DH feels differently, he still wants his hobbies / holidays with friends and i must say i feel i love him less for this, is it a common “male” trait? Who knows ? but I know I am close but not “enmeshed” in my childrens lives, not sure they feel the same for him?
When we are older will this feelings be resolved? I don't regret spending most of my time with my children, they are growing, one has left the nest, I know I’ve done a great job.

yeah sure he just stands there while they all do coke and says not for me thanks

I feel something is making you uneasy about this.

It's like you're magic or something!

I agree, it's important to go out and have fun. Being a parent shouldn't restrict this, doesn't have to be every weekend but defo get together with friends.

Do you not go out with friends? DH and I both kept up with our social lives, obviously much more diluted. Sometimes I would out later, other times he would. Now we're a bit older it's much less but we still see our friends.

If he protests your accusations a bit too much and a bit too aggressively then he is more than likely lying. If he isn’t ‘misbehaving’ then he should be more than happy to reassure you, his wife and the mother of his children.

I dont think irs unreasonable with a small baby to ask him to come home when pub closes.

If he gets moody after a night out I would be concerned he is taking coke. I had a bf once who wasn’t doing drugs when we first dated but somewhere along the way he became quite the party animal and started taking coke. He went from an ‘affable, happy go lucky’ type of guy to a really moody one, culminating in him throwing a full dinner plate against the wall because I had complained about his party ways. We did not, of course, stay together (no kids, early 30s).

If you want to know if he's been doing coke, report him for drug driving to the police, they'll have to do a drugs wipe on him, if it comes up positive, there's your answer.

It stays in the system, and is detectable on a spit test for days afterwards, and if he is driving on the weekend, he is breaking the law by driving under the influence.

This.

If he is constantly sniffing only on these nights it highly likely he’s doing coke. also if the sex is changing on these nights is he being more braver than he usually would be? I wouldn’t make him do a drug test but keep an eye on him don’t have the sex if you don’t want to or at least tell him when he’s sober that he acts differently in bed and your not sure you like it. Moodiness could be he’s tired but also coming down off his coke. The other worry is if he gets addicted to this life he might leave to be free of you and responsibility of father hood. The other problem is he could have a heart attack from the coke. Talk to him see how he responds to you. You could also say I hope the guys you drink with don’t have a heart attack as I have seen coke can cause one.

No one is “entitled” to take ILLEGAL drugs/substances. And if it IS cocaíne that he’s using, it’s illegal. No one has a “right” to take illegal substances.

I’m a recovering cocaíne addict myself (I’ve been clean for 5 years, but once an addict, always an addict - one must be vigilant about one’s sobriety) I can assure you that cocaíne is EXPENSIVE. It’s not a cheap substance. If he’s using, he’s basically taking money away from providing for his children just so he can toot some Colombian marching powder.

The worst (and sadly hilarious) part is that cocaíne isn’t even a long-lasting substance in terms of how it makes you feel. Its effects may feel great, but they wear off in an hour or so. And then you have to snort more. And more. And more. And then you build up a tolerance (which happens FAST) and you have to use bigger and bigger doses as your addiction continues.

And yeah, from the “symptoms” and behaviors you’ve described… he’s almost certainly using cocaíne. I did many of the same things/acted the same way. And if his mates/pub buddies are using, your DO is using, guaranteed. That kind of “oh just TRY it, we all use it and we’re FINE” peer pressure is almost impossible to resist. He’ll have tried a bit once and felt great (because it DOES make you feel great.. at first.) But yeah, every single symptom and behavior you described, down to the later moodiness, is 100% cocaíne use. I would know, sadly.

And - he is not “entitled” to use recreational drugs. He has tiny humans who rely on him. He is responsible for their care and wellbeing. If he’s using, you need to either GTFO (as he won’t get clean unless he WANTS to) or tell him that he has to get clean, NOW, or you’ll report him and leave him and he absolutely will not get shared custody.

I got clean for my cat, because I’m responsible for her life, care, and wellbeing. If I can get clean for a cat’s sake, your DO can get clean for his children’s’ sake.

EDIT: (all of this is on the presumption that he is using/is an addict)

BTW I’m very honest and open about my struggles with addiction and my past drug use, so if you have any questions you want to ask, no matter how weird they may be, I’m willing to answer <3

Going out one night a week to do sport or a hobby is fine, having a swift drink after is also fine, assuming of course that OP has the opportunity to do the same one night a week, but rolling home in the early hours drunk certainly isn't fine. I'd be very pissed off by that. And yes it is disrespectful.

What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander - there should be times when he stays home with the kids and you go out for a night on the town. Does that ever happen?

If he's doing his job as a husband and father then what more do you want?

Also, ,"...I have expressed how this can't happen again..." He isn't your employee or child. You don't tell him what will and won't happen again. And he shouldn't be doing that to you.

You have 2 under 2. I would assume they are both in bed by 7/8 normally. Have your evening and he can watch the children while you go and do you. If that's not your thing, he shouldn't be held to your likes and dislikes.

Let him go through his thing and he will come out of it soon enough. He wants to have some freedom to be him. By what you've said, he's a good husband. So doesn't he deserve this?

Why don’t you go out one night a week ? I hate the can’t do, there is a life and abit of wind down time needed outside of parenting , doesn’t have to be all family and kids, it’s good to do other things with other people sometimes as well.

And theyd be right