Am I being unreasonable placing time limits on upcoming night out?

because that wasn't the focus of her question, and quite often when you press the OP for more information, more comes out. She hadn't even considered it could be coke on any real level.

It's also why you should always read ALL of the OP's posts before replying when the thread is this long.

I sent my 1st message on what she originally posted..why didn't she state about the coke and rough sex in the start..she made him out to be an idyllic husband at first..stop now

One that's possibly using coke and who is coming home demanding rough sex? A good husband?

So many people area voting and not seeing the updates about his change in behaviour, likely drug use, demanding rough sex when he gets in. He's mixing with people who are partying regularly on drugs. OP I feel for you. Yes he needs an outlet as do you.
But getting into drugs, regular drinking, disrespect to you, hungover regularly and not spending quality time with you all on weekends are not marks of a mature and reliable partner. He's clearly behaving in the week and letting loose with mid life crisis mode and bad habits on the weekend. I feel for you and the little ones.

Please monitor his behaviour and try to seek support from family and friends. He needs to start prioritising your family and be healthier.

@LadeeLove there are many things in between cosy set up and coming home at 3am coked up and asking for rough sex

Its called being a parent.

But his friends aren't just drinking, they are doing drugs too. He might not be but drugs environment is not the same as drink environment.

I'm 100% sure if she was coming in at 3am and then being moody the next day when he'd been left with two children under 2, one still up during the night often, then he would be complaining too.

Night out with cousins - fine. Let him crack on. Suggest he stays over with them rather than get home at 4am

every week a night darts followed by coke & rolling in at 3am, noisy & asking for sex? No. This needs a conversation. What’s going on here.

ask him how he would feel if it was you doing this….

This is what alot of darts players do,I worked in a pub for years where we had multiple darts teams and played myself,they would drink for hours afterwards and then just go home..nothing sinister..going out partying with his cousins yeah annoying but it's his big birthday so unless you get a sitter what do you do ? Sorry but YABU youve got a good husband otherwise,don't lose him because he enjoys his darts or likes to socialise with his family but you say you cant get a sitter

Is it once a week he goes out normally? I can understand that, maybe he needs to de stress. My OH does this on the golf course rather than a pub, but he does go out a rare occasion, for example, a cousin's 'big' birthday and I'd be fine with that. I do get fed up that I'm home a lot with the children myself while he golfs but I get that he needs to have something outwith our family situation that he can do with friends. I don't have 2 under 2 though so I think thats a lot for you and maybe once a week he should be taking both children and let you get out, even if its just to see a film in peace at the cinema or a coffee with a friend? I think you sound like you need time too.

If that’s all it is, then I don’t see that as an issue. One night out a week even if it is until 3am is not the problem.

A weekly hangover to the point you’re ruining the day after is not okay. Coming home (probably coked up) disturbing your wife and demanding rough sex is not okay.

The weekly night out is not the problem. His behaviour is.

@Givemeguidance I’ve read all your posts. I am glad you have separated the ‘special birthday’ event but you do need an open conversation about the darts night. There is nothing wrong with ‘a night off’. But coming home really late, not being quiet when he does and wanting sex knowing he will be disturbing you (and I don’t know if he’s pressuring you etc but it does sound grim) does need an open conversation around boundaries, what is and isn’t ok and so on. He ought to be more than willing to come straight home from the darts while the kids are small/settling. As for whether it’s drugs - don’t know. My OH slurs when he’s had a lot to drink.

What might also need a conversation is the whole ‘default parent’ bit. He shouldn’t assume you don’t have plans. And should try to make sure you get as much of a break. And as many others on here have said - he needs to make sure he is fit to parent the next day - that doesn’t mean he can’t ever do what he is doing, he just has to be more responsible/considerate/caring/mindful.

Hope you manage to talk properly without arguing. Definitely focus on sleep patterns for baby, your lack of sleep which makes you worry, sleep worse etc. Could you make a point of saying he can or you will sleep in spare room these odd nights? I don’t like sleeping apart but … very difficult.

So the exact things I'm noticing....slurred talking, stumbling, sniffing repeatedly, seems more intense, wants to engage in conversation, wants sex but more roughly - hasn't forced it but it's feels a bit different.

I really think that posters need to read the OP’s updates before posting. These aren’t “innocent” darts nights.

@IsSheOkayOrWhat @Deboragh @LadeeLove @Minnie798 He goes to friends’ houses after the pub closes to drown their sorrows. Claims that they do coke and he doesn’t and rolls in at 3 am then demands rough sex..

I agree with this. Cosy can become monotonous. There's more to life than work and children. Of course life changes when children come along, but it doesn't have to end. You're still allowed to be your own person, have your own interests.
Spare room or sofa after his weekly darts night.

He needs a change of scenery from your "cosy" set up...and honestly so should you. Life is about balance.

Yep. I've changed my vote based on the updates. It's not the going out once a week or even the coming back late, it's the behaviour afterwards which is putting a downer on the whole weekend.

I'd have a conversation and ask him to choose a different darts team to join - one where he's not tempted to join in excessive drinking or drug taking.

I think the issue, as revealed in later posts, is that he’s drinking to excess, possibly snorting coke on his nights out, and coming home demanding sex from OP. On that basis I’d say he was taking the piss and if I were the OP, I’d be reminding him he could have that lifestyle permanently if he so wished, just without me in it.

A feather lined gilded cage is still a cage. There's a difference between 'settled and cosy' and being in a rut. Let him go, while he's out, arrange a girls night out for the following weekend. You both sound like you need a break.

This.!

is he the only one working for the household right now?

You've mentioned you don’t want to go out anyway, let him go and have a night out with his family. I’d even go the next step and say don’t come home 😂 stay at your cousins.
I always stay at my family’s house if my husband goes out, nothing worse than a stinky beer breath!

The darts thing is a bit different I must admit so you need to differentiate that from weekends and like this a family party.

You need to discuss that with him.

He needs to grow up. Also, if he's constantly out, or coming home and provoking a row, he might be having an affair (emotional more likely if he's actually coming home).

but of course a sudden serge of clubbing/drinking every weekend is taking the piss (even if the masses say it's fine)

Thank you for this. Even if the masses say it's fine, it's not fine, turning up in the early hours of the day wasted or not is not okay. What is he modelling to the children? Will he endure, makes excuses of "she's a great mom, works hard blah blah" if tables were turned? It started as darts nights, graduated to drinking and who knows maybe recreational drugs? To demanding rough sex from a burnt out woman, who knows where it's going to next? Stop coming home altogether only to show up in the evening after work, just to leave again? Domestic Violence If she refuses sex or tries to engage him verbally? And then blame it on alcohol. I wish people will understand that crazy situations do not jump out of nowhere, they build up slowly, gradually from those ideas, desires you didn't nip in the bud but encouraged, acted strong and cool with.
No need to get confrontational, a light conversation of "I do not appreciate this, I want this" will save many marriages in advance. But everyone wants to act tough, strong, woke and understanding.

The habits & ideas you're playing with are not playing with you, they don't intend to stop at "harmless", they start harmless but grow until they destroy everything beautiful in you and around you.

Yikes I replied too soon reading your initial post and a few YABU replies as it's always the same on here. New mum drowning with overwhelming responsibility and a husband off in fairy land, rediscovering his youth and being a selfish prick and everyone telling you "you will cope" let him have that all inclusive with the lads, stay out every weekend spending all your money on beer. Absolutely flipping not. It's grotesque.

Did you read the post where he rolls in at 3 am after these nights out, probably coked up, and demands rough sex?

Oh FGS, no she doesn't!

What is controlling about not wanting your coked up husband turning up at 3am demanding rough sex after an "innocent" darts night?

Did you only read the first of the OP's posts?