Am I being unreasonable placing time limits on upcoming night out?

If you select See all on the OP's first post it will bring up just her posts.

Surely when a thread gets to many pages you at least check whether OP has responded and added further details

You should try to read all the OP’s posts since in a lengthy and probably contentious post there may be key information which renders your brilliant insights less than useful.

As I said to another poster I didn't see the update on that. I'm only replying to the OP.

There's like 13 pages of replies I'm not going to read them all. Sorry I didn't see the update on that. That's terrible.

Even if that fun means rolling in at 3am, wanting rough sex when she has a young baby and is doing night feeds and then being moody the next day? Are you happy for your partner to behave like that in the name of having a bit of fun?

Have you read the other posts? Coke and rough sex, moody and ruining the day after? This is not okay.

There are definitely more issues here. Rough sex and cocaine. Going out until 3am - fine on occasion. But they have very young children. This is very different to feeling the urge to go out and let off steam, having a weekly hobby or going for a drink down the pub. It is potentially putting your family at harm. I’ve had my fair share of nights out, so has my husband. But in the context of the OPs situation it is very very different and may get worse (seen it happen, identical situation and it was not good what came next).

Having a social life, seeing your mates, and being respectful of your wife and family should not be separate things. They can both be true, but that is not the case here.

So many women are too afraid to come across as controlling, nagging etc as that’s the narrative fed to us. So they stay quiet, go along with it, but leaves some women in a very vulnerable position when they feel like they can’t speak up for fear of such accusations.

I know there's more issues here, such as whether he's being honest about what he's doing, but I think having kids made us more keen to get a night out and have adult time. I was like you, though - I didn't have many friends and I stayed at home, he would go out. We balanced it out eventually. It's a lot easier now our DC are teens, and we're back to the kind of social life we had pre-kids. Had a chuckle at wondering how he's gone from wanting to stay at home to clubbing - I definitely went that direction, I think pre-kids I was happy to stay at home but post-kids we needed to let off steam. If I could stay out until 3am, I would.

Thank you for this. I was wondering if we all read the same thing.
Sighs, it is well.

The way they're making it look like a mom of 2 under 2 is been dramatic or overbearing or been needy or not independent enough.

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Yeah. Huge alarm bells ringing particularly considering how young the kids are

Not sure who you are asking to stop now - it's not my fault if you didn't read the other posts

Wow. Women supporting women, right? Coke and rough sex. I can see where this is going from a mile off and nothing from what the OP is saying is screaming ‘martyr’. From this I’m actually worried about her and her children’s long term safety and wellbeing.

Well said. I think some of the posters who think the OP is being unreasonable and "controlling" haven't bothered to read her updates, which makes this thread a frustrating read.

Can I just remind some of the people commenting that we are in 2025 and not 1975? Brushing over the coke use and rough sex. I’m sorry but this is so wrong on so many levels.

@Hiyahello111 @CopperWhite have you read the OP's update where her husband comes back at 3 am after spending several hours after the pub with people who indulge in coke, then comes home and demands rough sex?

Well woman can go out men can look after children too, if they dont you need to sort that with your partner, but there are mums who play the martyr

This is a big hurdle in your marriage. Your H has become bored of the cosiness and want to return to his old way of life. There are several possible outcomes here. You could tolerate it and hope he tires of it. You could tolerate it and find that that just encourages him and it escalates. You could start trying to impose restrictions and he could comply and settle again. You could impose restrictions and he will feel even more trapped and eventually make a break for it.
As there's no guaranteed outcome here, the best course of action I think is to establish the boundaries that feel right for you and ask him to comply with them. If he values his family life more than his social life, he may compromise. If he doesn't, then at least you know where you stand and can plan accordingly.
If he does have a drink problem that's a whole other set of problems. So I'm hoping hard for you that he doesn't. But time will tell.

And so is she also a life after kids but unfortunately that doesn’t always happen. It is always the men who get to go out. It wasn’t just the once if you read what she is saying and doesn’t mind the odd time. You give them one inch then they take the whole hand.

But OP can’t “nip it in the bud.” What on earth is wrong with mumsnet these days? Half the posters pretend to think its unconscionable that a woman with two under two would object to her dh avoiding taking turns caring for his own children by binge drinking once or twice a week. The other half insist that she can reason it out with him and persuade him to stop drinking.

Its not controlling to expect your dh to care more about his wife and infant children than randos at the pub who need to “drown their sorrows.” And its not possible to get a binge drinking cokehead to stop drinking and drugging.

OP can’t stop this man from tossing away his family. And I wish the mumsnetters who despise women and children with their “cosy” family needs hadn’t taken over the thread with their excuses for this cokehead and his darts gang. Going out binge drinking and drugging with your male friends at the pub once a week is not a meritorious act, its not interesting, its not brave, its just avoidance of family responsibility in a toxic, exclusionary, male society.

Had my first child at 24 the next one at 26. Then hubby decided he was going down the pub for a quick drink one night. This turned into every night for 10 years. At first he'd come back at a reasonable time but in the end he wasn't coming home at all and a couple of times he had lovebites on his neck.
I stuck it until the kids were 10 and 8 then said I was going and taking the kids, which I did.
Op don't let it turn into this for you. Put your foot down or start going out yourself. Tit for tat. He hated me going out and would cause a row when I started stopping out late. All I said was "you did last night why shouldn't I " That of course was his guilty conscience knowing what he'd been up to and thinking I'd been doing the same, which I hadn't. Nip it in the bud now before it gets any worse.
He was also good with the kids and did housework and cooking but just couldn't stop in,and in the end it ruined our relationship.

I honestly think an evening with his friends playing darts once a week is healthy. He gets to go be social. This other night out sounds like its been planned, I would let him go, but stress he can't spend the whole next day feeling terrible as hes wasting time with the kids. I think that's a fair compromise. Perhaps plan something in for you with a friend and have him parent his kids whilst you also have a break now and again. Time apart, hobbies and social time is healthy
The drinking though, if you feel he's getting excessively drunk at darts, then I would just keep an eye on it for now. Might be hes just sort of adjusting to life as a 4!

That’s why it’s always a good idea to read all of the OP’s posts…..