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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable placing time limits on upcoming night out?

344 replies

Givemeguidance · 12/09/2025 06:50

Husband and I have been very settled for several years as in a cosy home life. Suddenly since having our second child (2 under 2) he's had a resurgence of going out at night. He goes to play darts each week which must finish before pub kick out but he's been coming in several times very late in the early hours. We have a good sex life and I don't think infidelity - more that he gets carried away with the drink. But I am left feeling rubbish and I have expressed how this can't happen again. Now we have this weekend a family party I'll bring the children too but he's already made plans to go out with the cousins and brothers for a night on the town to the nightclubs after. It is his cousins 'special birthday' so it's being sold to me as something he has to do to- I feel his responsibilities are different he has babies the other males in the family don't- am I being unreasonable saying no to this continuation of the night? I know if I had childcare I'd be allowed to join them but it's not possible and the baby is small still feeding - it's the last thing I want to do anyway. I feel on a different page in life.
If it really was a one off I might feel ok but it's been after the repeated disrespect after darts.
Also in general do you think the weekly darts is making him crave a different lifestyle? Could it be the start of a drink problem?
To add context he is a model father otherwise, works hard, always house proud and getting on with tasks I haven't completed, takes us out all weekend.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 12/09/2025 07:14

It also depends on what 'the early hours of the morning' means.

Midnight to 1am - I wouldn't have a problem.

3 - 4am - I would.

GreyCarpet · 12/09/2025 07:11

I think you'd be unreasonable to say mo to his cousin's birthday night out as that is in itself a one off.

I don't think you would be unreasonable to have a discussion about boundaries around regular nights out and ensuring that you get as many opportunities to go out as he does.

This.

A 'cosy home life' is nice but not enough to sustain a whole person. It's really important that both parents have the opportunity to socialise with friends and have fun outside of the home. You haven't stopped being a person in your own right just because you've had children.

KookyOpalMember · 12/09/2025 07:11

It's not fair, either two people go or four people go

Rightandwrong · 12/09/2025 07:10

If he isn't coming home when the pub closes and is coming home in the early hours of the morning where is he going to?
Are his brother and cousins also married men with young children and family responsibilities or are they single?
No Iwouldn't be happy him going off clubbing or whatever leaving you looking after 2 very young children.

spoonbillstretford · 12/09/2025 07:09

YANBU with all the going out as if he didn't have any ties. When do you get to go out?* *What about family life? What about the cost of it all?

I wouldn't put a curfew on a night out but make sure you have free time and get to do what you want to do also. I also would be worried about someone getting absolutely trollied even if it was "just" once a week and he was functioning afterwards. DH and I definitely both had our big nights out after having DDs but we were definitely not getting plastered on a weekly basis.

Allelbowsandtoes · 12/09/2025 07:06

You've said that he's a model father otherwise - does housework, takes the kids out all weekend, does stuff that needs doing around the house. So it sounds like he's pulling his weight equally? If this really is the case then I'd say YABU and you shouldn't be stopping him going out.

However, if he's useless on a hangover and can't parent the kids then that's another thing altogether.

Teachingagain · 12/09/2025 07:06

If he is getting up in the morning without complaining and pulling his weight at home, what is the issue? Or is he not pulling his weight? Do you feel like because you’re bf and can’t go out he shouldn’t be able to go out? I’m not judging, just trying to work out what is going on.

Zanatdy · 12/09/2025 07:06

I personally don’t agree with banning partners from going out, particularly a planned party etc, so yes, I think you’re being unreasonable.

Greggsit · 12/09/2025 07:06

YABU. Unless there a drip feed coming that he's rolling in drunk, wakes everyone up and pisses into the fridge, he's not doing anything wrong. He's just going out once a week. That's perfectly normal and not disrespectful.

mamagogo1 · 12/09/2025 07:03

Is he playing in a darts league? If so of course it’s weekly but perhaps he should come home straight after. A one off night out with cousins is fair enough as long as you get a chance in the future

DeathStare · 12/09/2025 07:03

girljulian · 12/09/2025 07:00

I think if you say he can’t go and he has no specific reason to tell his cousin other than “she doesn’t want me to”, they’ll think you’re controlling. So I do think you’d be unreasonable on this one. The darts is another matter; he needs to keep his promises in future.

If that's what she does, it's not that they will THINK she is controlling; it's that she will be controlling and they will (correctly) know that

BitOutOfPractice · 12/09/2025 07:02

Why exactly is it “disrespectful” to go out one night a week?

I keep seeing this word used on mn lately to mean “doing something I personally don’t like”.

sausageupanalley · 12/09/2025 07:01

I think this upcoming night out sounds like a proper special occasion where they probably don't see each other often and as they are family he'd probably be reasonably well behaved. I wouldn't be pissed off about that or impose any conditions on that but the more regular nights out sound more problematic so if anything I'd be talking to him about those.

SeanMean · 12/09/2025 07:00

You sound controlling.

girljulian · 12/09/2025 07:00

I think if you say he can’t go and he has no specific reason to tell his cousin other than “she doesn’t want me to”, they’ll think you’re controlling. So I do think you’d be unreasonable on this one. The darts is another matter; he needs to keep his promises in future.

DeathStare · 12/09/2025 07:00

I think you'd be unreasonable to say mo to his cousin's birthday night out as that is in itself a one off.

I don't think you would be unreasonable to have a discussion about boundaries around regular nights out and ensuring that you get as many opportunities to go out as he does.

Having said that, if it's once a week, he's not disturbing anyone coming in and he's still pulling his weight the next day I don't see what the problem is.

Does it mean he has a drink problem or is craving a different lifestyle? Not unless there is other stuff you haven't mentioned. It does sound like you are very anxious though

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 12/09/2025 06:59

You can’t give a grown adult a curfew.

CopperWhite · 12/09/2025 06:57

If he’s still a model father and husband and pulls his weight, why do you see it as disrespectful that he enjoys a night out? You have no real reason to want him not to go, so trying to stop him just because you want to is controlling.

He is allowed a life even after having children.

Belladog1 · 12/09/2025 06:54

I have nothing against going out and having fun, but things should change when kids coming along. Why should you have to sit at home like the dutiful wifey while he goes out like a singleton?

I'm also totally turned off by 'a lad'. Propping up bars until closing time, going clubbing. It's a hard no.