Am I being unreasonable placing time limits on upcoming night out?

How are you supposed to act in your early forties? Slippers and a pipe in front of the fire. Those days have gone.

No, people are projecting their own insecurities and views of how adults should behave on this situation.

His hobby is darts and drinking - some pubs do stay open until late and some people like to stay out drinking. It doesn’t necessarily mean he’s taking drugs or is having an affair. He’s probably just getting drunk and chatting shit with friends.

And come home at 3 o'clock, long after the pubs have closed? What do you think he will be doing at those hours?

In light of your second post, I'd suggest that you don't try to stop the cousin's birthday night out but instead have a conversation about the impact of the weekly darts match.

I think the weekly darts in itself is fine and personally I think it would be controlling to try to stop that. But not communicating about when he will be home isn't OK and not being fit to pull his weight or being moody the next day also isn't ok.

I'd also add that thar conversation should also mean agreeing a weekly night out for you where he puts the kids to bed. You might not think you need it but take it anyway - take up a hobby, meet friends, go to the cinema, anything - but get a break.

I think the recreational drugs is a red herring. He's a grown adult not an impressionable teenager. Recreational drugs are readily available if people want them and either he's going to take them or he isn't.

I also wonder what your anxiety levels generally are like as you've gone straight to catastrophising (drink problem, drugs, doesn't want this life) over something that doesn't seem to warrant it. Is this something where you might benefit from some support?

You can still go out after having children...

But the drinking if it is to excess (or drugs) every week would bother me with two young children, and strolling in at 3am, so there’s a chat to be had there.

I think a lot of "cool" posters have missed that the husband isn't coming straight home after a few games of darts. Coming in at 3 o'clock would indicate to me that he has other "hobbies" not compatible with being a responsible father.

DH used to be a member of the darts team at our local. I had no issue with that, but if he had suddenly started to come home in the early hours after every darts game I would wonder what else he was up to.

am I being unreasonable saying no to this continuation of the night

He isn't one of your small children.

Also I have been told that some of them use recreational drugs. My fear is what if he did and lied about it...

You don't trust him and you think the answer is to keep him where you can see him, but it isn't. You need to repair the trust.

My DH joined a pool team when DS was a baby. He was invited by one of the Dads we met through baby groups.

I don’t think that’s necessarily an issue.

I would be fine with the night out for cousin’s birthday but ask him to come home earlier after darts while you have such young kids so that he is available to help overnight and not hungover the next morning

I also find it weird that this is a new thing not a continuination of an existing thing...who thinks that it's a great time to start a hobby when they have a new baby? Where does he say he is between pub closing ans when he gets in?

It depends, how does he act the day after hes got carried away? If he is up early as usual then I don't think it matters what he does between 11 and 2am. If he is useless for half of the next day then that's different.

Also does he do this every week? We always end up working or doing jobs in the evenings in the week, but weekend evening are for relaxing...I'd be a bit miffed if my husband was out every Friday night say as we only really get two proper evenings a week together and that's one of them.

Agree with those saying you need to separate the two things.

The cousins birthday I’d personally be fine with, one off, special occasion, let him have his night and then plan your own night for yourself. You don’t have to suddenly be chained to the house after bedtime when you have children, just take it in turns.

The darts, again, one night a week for a hobby wouldn’t bother me- my husband & I both have hobbies that take up one night a week, and if he’s missing bedtime anyway it doesn’t really matter whether that’s by 2 hours or by 5 hours. But the drinking if it is to excess (or drugs) every week would bother me with two young children, and strolling in at 3am, so there’s a chat to be had there.

I don’t have young kids, but if my partner started coming home drunk at 3am every week, I’d be annoyed because it’s disruptive. The real issue is the impact, not the fact they’re going out. Setting a curfew for a completely unrelated event isn’t the answer though - it risks seeming controlling and just creating more conflict.

I think you need to discuss a compromise about the darts night i.e. he comes home at a reasonable time not 3am and maybe that you get a night / some time off each week to do something you like.

Why ‘gobsmacked’? What age should people stop going out?

Plus There’s absolutely no basis for you saying he’s not playing darts and he’s doing drugs. Chill your boots!

It’s important for couples to spend time with their individual friends without their partner.

I wouldn’t dream of telling DH that I’m now coming to his pool night, that’s his night with his friends.

On here when a man ban a woman from something it is called controlling when a woman bans it is all good?

One night out a week isn’t behaving like a single man 🙄
Not everyone wants to stop having nights out when they have kids, and nor should they as long as it’s within reason.

I’m 43 and DH is 54 and we still have regular nights out (together and with friends)DS is 10 now but we still did it when he was a baby.

I think you're getting a lot of harsh replies here OP. You have 2 very young children at home. Your partner should not be going out getting very drunk into the small hours every week and leaving you to put 2 under 2 to bed and being fit for nothing the next day. When my two were small my husband and I would have went out now and again for family birthdays etc but nothing excessive. Now our kids are 5 & 9 we have a bit more freedom and we like to go out with friends but even then it's every few wks and not to the extent that we can't parent the next day. It's not controlling when you both have equal responsibility to look after your children. A few hours once a week playing darts after the kids are in bed and a few pints sounds fine when the kids are so small but it sounds like it's a lot more than this. YANBU

I’ve just asked my husband if he had an opinion on this one.
He wondered why suddenly the new hobby and with a family waiting at home. Why is there’s no reason to return home the moment the pub kicks out.

If he’s at working and you’re home all day, why don’t you both want quality time together, finding a regular babysitter, to go to the darts match together? Go dancing together (something my husband and I did when the kids were small, and hubby is a lousy dancer).

The cousins party is a different issue. This weekly ‘night out’ may need a gentle sit down and discussion about getting a little out of hand. New friends of his leading him astray or, more importantly there is a mental health issue happening here, depression or mid life crisis of suddenly having to ‘grow up and live with responsibilities’.
This is my husband’s thoughts as an ex military and watching his friends struggle with a change in lifestyle.

No she doesn't

He gets to behave like a single man and the OP has to be the dutiful wife and mother.

We got late nights out on the town out of our system before DC.

Of course it’s okay!! Just as long as she gets equal time off too. People are allowed a social life.

The moodiness isn’t great and needs dealing with but one night out a week is not a problem.

This feels like you didn't like the original responses saying YABU so now have added to an update to make things sound worse.
Has he ever done drugs before? Who has told you that his friends do drugs? Can they really be trusted or are they feeding into your worries?
You have also gone from saying he pulls his weight and is an all round good guy to now making a noise and being moody..

You need to think what is the real issue you are annoyed with.
Maybe communicate better. When he goes to darts just ask what time you might expect him home by and whether he will be available to help if the baby wakes. Why not even directly ask him if he had a nice night, where did he go?

My DH used to be on a pool team. Their ‘home’ pub would stay open late on pool nights so a 2/3am closing time wasn’t unusual.
Or some of the lads would go to someone’s house.

A late night doesn’t automatically mean affair 🙄

This does seem like a massive shift in personality. It sounds like he isnt coping with 2 under 2 tbh and trying to escape.

Your first post describes him as model father but the later post doesn’t really sound it. If he goes out weekly and stays out late drinking and possibly taking drugs and is moody the next day and unhelpful then is that a model father? How much help does he offer the rest of the week? It sounds like you do vast majority of childcare and I’d guess housework.

Could you sit down and talk to him about what he expected parenthood to be and getting more balance for you? Clearly going out every week till 3am will impact a family life! The money, time, moodiness next day…

Also just because you have a good sex life doesn’t discount the fact he could be cheating. He’s certainly living the life of single guy every week now. But yes it could also be he’s getting addicted to partying lifestyle - ie drink and drugs.

Op if you are not happy you are allowed to speak up. I’m 100% sure he would not be happy with you going out every Friday night till 3am…