Am I being unreasonable placing time limits on upcoming night out?

Don’t try to navigate this alone OP. Strongly recommend couples counselling. And he probably needs to consider 1:1 counselling.

it’s a strange reaction to having kids. Going out all night and getting coked up!!!

Just read your updates. You have a massive problem. Sounds like he is barely hanging on to his family life while he parties as hard as he can get away with and the fact that sex was different is odd - learned something new from someone else? Coked up?

Couples counselling. Right now. And if you realise he's already cheated on you, ditch him of course.

First post nails it.

YANBU. It’s very disrespectful to you as presumably he can’t pull his parenting weight after he’s been out like that. One night outa week playing darts is fine - as long as you have an evening when you get to do your thing. Or if you don’t fancy nights out then you get an afternoon to yourself. There has to be parity.

I personally think you have every right to probe given the way he was treating you - and I'm still concerned about some of the things you posted earlier on in the thread - such as coming home and demanding rough sex - it's really not good enough. Huge red flag in my view

Hope he can manage to stay away from the drugs. Well done to you for speaking to him about it and having firm boundaries. Good luck.

Good for you, hope things turn around xx

Take care of yourself and your children, OP. I hope he gets help.

If you select See all on the OP's first post it will just bring up only her posts.

Unfortunately I don’t have time to sit and read all the comments, but this is not ok. He needs to grow up or I’d be getting rid.

I wasn't replying to the OP. I was responding to a specific poster who said that going out to the pub regularly wasn't a normal thing to do. So cool your jets before coming at me!

I have seen the OPs updates and made it clear that I don't think his behaviour is acceptable. However I stand by my point that going to the pub in itself isn't problematic. His behaviour is the issue here and most of us manage a weekly trip to the pub without behaving the way he does.

And the local drug dealer?
Did you read the OP's updates?

I’m all about living life and having some escapism from a hard week, but there is a time and a place. You have two under two, and weekly 3am nights out just aren’t on. This is a hard time, it needs to be teamwork and all hands on deck. A good balance at this stage in life would be him going to his hobby still, and having a drunken blowout every few months.

It’s very much the norm in my circle of friends.
We make a huge effort to support our local pubs.

was very much the norm in the family i grew up in. Dad went out every Tuesday (masons) and every Friday (working mens club) (and we all went out on a Sunday morning pre-lunch too) difference is, my Dad used to come home by 11pm every time, and only ever had 2 or 3 pints.

I don't feel the OP has an issue him going once a week to play darts.. its what goes on AFTER the darts match that keeps him out til 3am that she has a problem with.

Personally I don’t think going out regularly to the pub is the norm and I would o see this as a massive issue . Occasionally going yes but it seems it’s fairly regular .

So you just don't stay married to them.

This.

Not often this happens but I can’t stop worrying about the OP and coercion hits the nail on the head why this has all made me feel very uneasy.

OP, please speak to friends and family - or someone you trust about this and please don’t listen to those excusing is behaviour in this thread. You are not being unreasonable. Look after yourself and your babies x

He is definitely doing coke.
Be careful of being coerced into 'adventurous sex' that you might not really be comfortable with. Who are these new 'friends'. Sounds like a crowd that are not his usual type.
I would advise dealing with this head on. Getting in after midnight without even a text to say what his ETA is is very disrespectful. There may be trouble ahead OP.

At the end of the day OP, you have to decide where to draw the line and raise the subject with DP. If you aren't willing to accept your DP staying out until 3am once a week, then you are entitled to feel like that. Please don't let posters above, who maybe can't fully appreciate your perspective, sway you in this. You have to do what is right for you and your DC. Of course we can't stop living our lives with DC, but we sometimes have to accept adjustments until DC are older.

If you think he's developing a drink problem, it's likely that he is. I was married to a man like that. It started gradually, drinks after work, then late home, then 10 years of heavier drinking until I realised I was worth more than that. Good luck

I am extremely extremely sorry to read this post, and i can imagine how horrible you are feeling, with two young babies at home and wanting the home to be a safe nurturing sanctuary and him having some sort of mid life existential crisis where he gets to be free and irresponsible again, so immature and pathetic, but maybe it's a way (if we are to have compassion for him) that he deals with the increased responsibilities of being a father etc. But there is absolutely no excuse and you need support, from your mum or your siblings or your cousin or a professional. And he likely needs support too, so maybe therapy for him and perhaps couples counselling for you both. It would be a shame for you to break up over this and perhaps you can survive it but he needs to be honest with you, about what the hell is happening and not just the drugs and the drink but also what is motivating this change in behaviour, is he struggling with the responsibilities, would there be more healthy ways of letting off steam? I am so so sorry and feel so annoyed at him.

Nothing wrong with going out, but it shouldn’t be prioritised in such a way that it impacts on family life. Weekly staying out til 1am, 3am (early morning hours) is a no go once you have kids. A special occasion, yes, totally to be expected, like the birthday party.

But no one can be a decent parent when they are out drinking til 2am or whatever the night before. It means either getting up still drunk on 4 hours sleep with small children. Or writing off the next day having a lie in and being hungover. Neither is acceptable every week. If you did the same the other night of the weekend, your kids would never get a day with both their parents functioning and not hungover. That’s not okay.

With Dh and I, going out is fine as long as it doesn’t majorly impact on the other in terms of childcare or work. If you go out though, you’re still fully engaged in family life, so there is no lying around in bed all day. We’re up and parenting, late night or not. Obviously sleeping til a normal hour like 8am is fine, sleeping til noon every weekend like you’re 22 is not.

And we don’t disturb each other’s sleep. if Dh is going out, he stays out. He stays with a friend, sometimes they all go camping for the night and have a campfire and some drinks, or they go into a big city and stay over in a hotel. Nothing wild, they go to the pub, get some Five Guys and crash out at a Travelodge and then all go home in the morning after a cooked breakfast. It means that whoever is left with the parenting and the early wake up with the kids is not also being woken up by someone crashing in drunk at 3am. That means it’s all really respectful and also fair. No one is lumped with all the parenting all the time because the other is recovering. In fact, dh more often than not takes them out for the day if he’s been out the night before so that I get a break.

The difference is all the above is respectful and this doesn’t sound respectful at all, late nights or not.

You’d think that would be the obvious thing to do wouldn’t you? 🙄