Do you think it’s unfair to send one child to a private school or an expensive extracurricular activity while not offering the same to the other?

There’s a bit of a nuance to this as private school and karting are two separate things. Some children thrive better in a different education environment do I don’t think it’s wrong, for educational purposes, for siblings to go to different schools. The fact that one may offer better extra curricular activities is a bit of a red herring. I mean yes that could be a bit unfair but it’s also a choice that is separate from the education.

Yes. I do. Not offering all your kids the same advantages is baffling to me. Unless it’s an unforeseen loss of income or similar.

You really shouldn't be.

My parents raised me and my siblings with several principles but one we heard a lot was "fair doesnt mean equal"
As children we eyeballed but its true.

I find this modern parenting insistence everything he precisely equal so babyish.
When my kids share snacks the baby discreetly always gets the bigger half /portion because hes underweight.

This and your situation are both excellent examples of fair doesnt mean equal.

I agree with kpop - it’s all very straightforward on paper or in Cinderella style iterations of wicked stepparents but in real life people’s circumstances change sometimes radically over the years, children may have different needs and so on.

We have an inverted situation - dc1 is academically gifted and goes to an excellent all-girls state secondary where she is aiming for 9s at GCSE (and likely to get a good clutch of 8s and 9s in reality). We could not have afforded to send her to a private school at the time she needed to apply and why would we, when she has a fabulous free education on our doorstep? We boost her with extra curriculars, nice vacations, private dental work etc. So she is living a very good life.

Ds2 came along later after an age gap and an upturn in our family finances. Ds2 is not academically inclined and there are no great options for mixed/boys’ secondary school locally. We could now afford private school for him.

It was actually my dd who said that her db will need to go to private secondary if he is to have any chance of a good education. We are considering it. We know it isn’t “fair” but nothing in life is fair. We give dd a very good life and we will subsidise her at uni, buy her first car, give her a chunk of cash for her house deposit. Over the years we will make it up to her perhaps not exactly same in £££ but definitely in support and guidance too. I am trying to decide: Will ds2 appreciate us sinking “his” money into his education? Once it’s spent there won’t be as much left to help for, for example, set up in a trade or start a business.Or should we accept he’s going a non-academic route in life and throw our cash into investments so he has those to fall back on in adult life?

I don’t want to create reasons for one sibling to resent another. It’s a hard choice and we would have to be very mindful of the risk dc1 becomes bitter about it when she realises that part of her own inheritance will be spent on her db, in effect. But then again it’s our money and our choice how we invest and spend our money.

I’m still very torn because I know it’s unfair but the reason for it are based in logic.

It depends on why, sometimes a different school environment is necessary for a child to thrive, in those situations the whole family would benefit from one child getting more support.

Sometimes one child has a genuine interest in something that costs more.

If it is just favouritism then that's a different matter.

There's an important distinction between equity and equality.

All kids must be given the same opportunity or at least equal. I got my eldest who has sen into a great sen school, my youngest doesnt have sen but he will be going to a decent senior school so its fair. (Local comp is horrendous) equal opportunities for all dc or none at all.

Are both siblings to the same parents? I’ve known second families where they can’t afford to put the DC to private school, but the DC from one person’s previous marriage has.

Is it unfair to spend hundreds of thousands of pounds on one child but not the other?

Is that the actual question?

Yes. All siblings should be given the same or equal opportunities.

Of course it is, what reason could there be to think otherwise?

Yes, I think it is unfair. I wouldn't have sent my first DC private if the others wouldn't have the same opportunity.