Giving my inheritance to my mother?

Does your mum have a pension? If so it will probably be a better deal than most young people are getting now

I think if it were me I’d feel obligated to give it to mother. But that’s because I’m very selfless and not good at looking after myself. I put everyone before myself and I’ve given away lots that would help me in life just so that others can have a more comfortable life.

But I’m in complete agreement with the 100percent of sensible people here. Do not give it away. Use it for your young family. I can’t understand your mum barely helping you financially so far. I give everything to my children. So you keep this money.

As people have said- you might get an inheritance from mum and pay tax again on the same money. your mum is managing ok financially it sounds like

No child owes rhier parents for paying for their private schooling or any other thing the parents chose to pay for.
Any parent who makes a child feel like that is emotionally abusive.

Op do you honestly think your DCs will owe you when they're adults if you choose to put them in private schools?

Absolutely ridiculous.

It's your inheritance, of course you don't owe your mother anything and shame on her for trying to gaslight you.

And don't even imagine for one second that you'd be free of any ""obligations" down the line, just from what you've said of your mother I seriously doubt it will end with the £70k.

Your mum was one that divorced. Ok, your dad may have initiated it, but part of change in divorce law in 2022 was to make divorce entirely no blame. This recognises it is rarely one sided..marriage is complex. So, you are not part of her situation. That’s between her and your dad.

as part of their divorce I assume they had a financial settlement ? Find that out . (I am of course assuming they divorced in uk law?). If they really agreed your dad would leave her a bequest in his death, as part of divorce, it would be in there. I’d expect to see at least some sort of expression of wishes related to any pension pots thst were indicating to go to her if that was case. If they agreed a financial settlement that didn’t state this and was a “clean break” agreement , it was then never agreed between them at divorce…your mum and dad split their joint assets at divorce. They both ended up worse off…there is no escaping that with divorce. It is whole point of marriages- that you are better off married as a couple not married. In short unless it was written into a divorce financial settlement, what your dad may or may not have agreed verbally is irrelevant, and that ship sailed long ago when she agreed to said financial settlement.

im divorced. And we did divorce sort of DIY. I know the pain of fair settlement law as I was main, and for long periods, the only wage earner, and had bigger pension. But once agreement is sealed by court that’s it. Whatever they agreed at time is what counts. Not what your dad is supposed to have agreed verbally.

your dad would have been “mad” to agree such a thing anyway. It is not “her” money. She got her portion at divorce. End of.

so, I suspect there’s a lot of emotional blackmail and resentment going on from your mum to you. Sure, if my exh died in next few years, so soon after his divorce, I’d have a tinge of pissed off that half of everything I worked so hard for over 35 years of marriage, was going direct to my kids - and it’d be a lot.

BUT, and here is big but, as much as those tinges would happen, my kids inheriting would really really set them up ..they’d get on property ladder (something my exh and I both want) and have a bit of pension windfall at very young age. It would be money “banked” by them, that I know they have. It then doesn’t matter if my half of our old joint estate gets frittered away on carechome costs when I’m in my 80s with dementia. no council can come after my exh portion of our old joint assets under deprevation of asset rules. One of the positives of divorcing after 35 years! And yes, I’d certainly help them with probate if I outlive my exh and still got my marbles..,of course I would…they both work full time and I’m retired, I’d do as much as they’d let me/I can legally without being executor, to avoid them having to take time off with the huge executors roles they have.

I certainly would not be slapping them around face about how it is really “my money”. No it isn’t. Not any more.

As your DM hasn't openly mentioned it is it maybe something you're over thinking or do you feel she's kind of making little digs in order for you to feel its warranted that she has a share.

I'd have to question what a mother really thought of a relationship with their DC if they're now comfortably well off yet would still quite happily take money that was gifted to their DC with a young family.

Do you think she’d take it if you offered? There’s no way my mum would, in this situation.

I'd keep it but put some money aside so you can buy help if she needs it in future, and take her on holiday with your family a bit. Do you think there's an expectation she will live with you in old age? How do you feel about that?

I’m probably closer to your DM’s age and I say money goes forward, not back. Keep your inheritance and use it to make your children’s future more secure. Set up a college fund, or build them a deposit for their first home.

Unfortunately giving your DM money will not free you from caring responsibilities. The two issues are quite separate.

Buy her a nice thank you present for helping you with the inheritance, but please don't reward her guilt-tripping behavior by giving her your inheritance!

Your mum made her choice. She could have taken more if she wanted to fight for it.

This is you inheritance from your dad. I’m sorry that he’s died and I’m worried your grief and hormones are influencing this decision. But that money is from your dad to you. If you gift it to anyone it should be your children.

Of you want them to have a private education you could put it in trust for them to cover that.

Please don’t give it to her.
A reasonable person with a household income double yours would not ever suggest this. It seems to me that your mother has some issues she needs to make peace with. Asking you to recompense her for her choices when you were a child is, to me, outrageous.

Take time, get some space. Maybe think about guilt and why you think you owe your mum anything (can you imagine asking your child/children for money)?

Yabu. That money is intended for you not your mum. Whilst I agree she did not get her fair share in the divorce, she's well off financially now and whatever grievance she has about it remains (and should always remain) between her and your Dad. It is not your job to make up for it. If you are opposed to using your inheritance from him, leave it in trust for your children to benefit from when they are adults.

It's not your fault things turned out the way they did with her divorce. It wasn't your decision to send you to private school. If her and your step-dad have a higher income than you and your DH why do they need the money? It sounds like it could really benefit you and your family but your mum doesn't need it at all!
Plus, you are absolutely dreaming if you think you will be paying your way out of any future help/care!

Sounds like the FOG - fear obligation and guilt.

As a pp has said, she’s got inside your head, making you feel indebted for her doing the normal job of a parent.

Yes, she may have got screwed in the divorce, and yes your Dad may not have done his bit to raise you. But it doesn’t mean you owe her your inheritance. That is for you and your children’s future.

Think about this is 12 months. If after that time you’d like to gift it to your mother, take another 12 months … sorry for your loss.

Lock the inheritance away for your child, put it in a long term deposit or premium bond account and do not touch it for a year.

That money is for you and your child, your mum has enough for her needs. Think about clearing your debts, saving for university and 1st flat for your child.

Why do you think you have to make up for your father's lack?

You say your mom and your stepdad are better off than you, yet they haven't really helped you out much beyond what was parental duty. You are raising young kids and you might have need for that money at some point. What if you or your kids need private health care? Get financial advice. Your generation has different and far worse economic prospects than hers.

As for the expectations of filial piety, giving your inheritance away to her will not free you from those expectations. If you gift her your entire inheritance, she's still going to have those expectations and expect you to do more.

If you want to thank her for helping you out when you were pregnant, buy her a bunch of flowers and a bottle of champagne or something. She's got inside your head, it's a mum's job to do all they can for their children, not to hold it over their heads for evermore. It's not your job to compensate her for getting divorced.

No do not give her your inheritance. DO NOT DO IT. It’s yours. If you really have to give her a small give for example £1000 but keep the rest.

absolutely not.