Giving my inheritance to my mother?

i already obviously feel obliged for financial decisions which weren’t mine (private school eg), so it’s likely I’m pretty brainwashed already.

yes she has brainwashed and guilt tripped you. You are not responsible for financial decisions she took when you were a child. Do you really think it’s right? Now that you have your own child, would you hold them responsible or make them pay for any financial decisions you make now?

I am also from eastern culture. I would say your inheritance has nothing to with your mother, plus she is in a stable financial position. Your father didn’t give her what he verbally promised, maybe he had his reasons to change his mind. In any case, it’s not fair your mum is talking about money your father was supposed to pay her when you just had a child and recently lost your dad.
Also your mum choose to send you to private school, you as a child had no say in it. Does she think she has done an award winning favour to you by giving you decent childhood with opportunities? Tell your mum to stop making you feel guilty and act so self centred when you are going a lot.

Problem with cultures like ours is while children are expecting to be nice and caring towards parents, parents are allowed to unkind, controlling and manipulative towards children.

Use 70k towards mortgage and some savings for your child or whatever you fancy doing with it.

Don't do it. All your mum's estate including this money could just pass to your stepfather. Put your children first. Your mum's got plenty.

If you offered some of this money to your Mum surely she would refuse it.

Though it was kind of your Mother to help you with probate etc, it sounds as though she has taken full advantage of the situation to attempt to guilt trip and manipulate you so that she might benefit.

A good idea would be to give her a nice piece of jewellery as a thank you gift for all her recent help to you, but let that be all.
Do not give her your inheritance!!

Use the inheritance to improve your own and your child's life, as your Father would have wanted, perhaps some to the mortgage or in savings for school fees, or savings for a rainy day, you can work that out after some thought.
If you were close to your Dad but don't have any mementos from him, perhaps buy yourself something?

Have a look at the voting results, and be guided by them!

OP your DM is manipulating you. Please do not give her any money. Buy her a gift if you want. But really it doesn’t matter what you give her it will not stop her from the guilt tripping, in fact it will make it worse.

Op you don't want to give away your inheritance, do you? You have made it quite clear in your op that you are feeling pressurised into doing so by your mum going on about everything she has done for you and how unfairly she has been treated. And maybe it's both true. Maybe your mum was treated unfairly and maybe she did a lot for you and also maybe you don't really want to share your inheritance. My point is either way it's ok. You don't have to share your inheritance and you can still appreciate what your mum did for you. And you can still get annoyed when she you feel she is emotionally blackmailing you.

Like a pp said maybe give her some of it if it makes you feel better.

No you def should not give your Mum your money and it’s shocking how she’s guilt tripped you when you’re vulnerable to think like this!
Its awful that she didn’t get a fair divorce deal but why should you pay for that, are your siblings going to give up their money too?

No you pay it into your mortgage and £1000 a month you save goes you overpay into the mortgage until dc goes to school. Then if you go private you use it to offset the school fees at that point with the “overpayment”.

No. Don't do it. It sounds like she absolutely doesn't need it, it's just some sense of entitlement she has.

You also say you don't want to 'owe' her later in life (paraphrasing)

Do you honestly think if you give her the money she won't expect anything of you when she's older, and needs more care and help? Of course she will, she'll expect just the same, and you'll be 70k poorer.

The only person I'd consider giving it or is your child - but at this stage in life you may need it one day, redundancy or ill health etc. Or you may have further children and then it would be unequal.

I'd do as DH suggests and pay it off the mortgage, if that makes financial sense.

The most I'd do is consider taking your parents on holiday, if that's something you'd all enjoy.

OP you don't "owe" your mum for your private education. She's your parent: it's what she chose for do for her child. You weren't in a position to make financial calculations about the best use of the money. No child is.

Please don't think that by giving this chunk of money to her you will end the demands on you, or your own misplaced sense of guilty.

It's your money and right now you need it more than she does. If, in the future, you are earning well and she is facing financial difficulties then you can consider helping her. But that will be the case whether or not you have handed over this R70k.

It's also what your father gave YOU. He's your dad. You are entitled to it.

Something to consider, if she inherited from her parents did she pass it on to someone else?

From what you’ve written, I don’t think giving your mum 70k will stop her pestering you/whining/guilt tripping you/whatever. She and her new husband are comfortably off now and she’s doing it, for reasons that are likely not financial.

I’d keep that in mind when thinking about giving her any money.

It's yours. So keep it. I'm sure that's what your Father would have wanted.

I don't think your DM's complaints about your father, their divorce and the cost of your education will change, even if you gave her all your inheritance. She is unreasonable to try to make you feel guilty about choices she made when you were a child. Give her a gift, to thank her for recent help, if you want to. Keep your inheritance.

Sorry but it’s yours. As you say she and your stepdad have more than you. You have a child to look after now, maternity leave etc

She could have fought for more but chose not to that’s her choice and she should not be revisiting it on you

likewise the stuff she paid out for, that’s part of parenting just as you will do the same for your child

She could die before your stepfather. It could end up going to him and eventually his family. Do you want that?

my dad does this i spent so much money on all of you

did i ask for that-no

There can be little more ridiculous financially than for a young family to even consider giving up an inheritance to a well off parent. Totally bananas.

why make this about “how much better off older generation are” …you simply don’t know that for starters. There is no “probably” about it

women have always had poor pensions. Worse than men’s, even men in these days. They still do. 75% of tax relief on pension STILL goes to MEN. Think about that. And 68% of pension credits go to women (thats people who can’t live off their pensions) . any women who was trying to build up a pension before 1975 was almost certainly on a lower wage than her male colleagues, even in same job. Becuase there was no equal pay law. Jeez, we have had thst law in place for 59 years now, and there is still a very significant gender page gap that still hasn’t been closed. It’ll take another 100 years at this rate.

And this kind of thinking and preoccupation is also playing straight into hands of successive governments who are quite happy for your to blame older generation for all your pension and wage and housing cost woes. It means you aren’t blaming the governments for the huge, massive wage inequality that’s grown in last 30 years between works and directors , or for what gorden brown did to private pensions, or what tories did to state pension and setting up an expensive personal pension framework for all workers, making them and their cronies rich through investment company growth (instead of making state pension work by rising NI contributions instrad).

it is not the older generation who had it so good. They worked hard for a barely fair pension. It is the governments since 1980s that have screwed the younger generation. And I don’t see many of youngsters joining unions and getting leverage to change this by lobbying or even striking as a majority. Just a lot of moaning on social media and “poor us”. We had to fight for women’s equality , before that form 1880s to 1960s for basic things like 5 days working weeks etc.

Fwiw, I don’t think she should give to mum, but I’m not going down rabbit hole of “mum never had it so good”. There isn’t even the need. There are a lot of other valid reasons it is a mad idea to give her inheritence to her mum.

The best advice I've ever been given in regards to a windfall or inheritance is to not do anything with it for a year.
Perhaps you can get your mother a thank you gift for helping you with this but leave the bulk of it in an account with limited access for a minimum of 1 year.

Think about the diffeence that money could make for your own child. You also don't know what will happen with your life, you or DH could get ill etc. I think you could buy your mum a gift but I don't think gifting her the money would be a smart move- focus on your own child

Good parents don't moan about how much they gave up or paid towards their children.
It is called parenting.

Your Mum and Stepfather are comfortable.
Imagine if you give her the 70k snd she died in an accident it will go to your Stepfather.

Do you have siblings?

I would never dream of taking my children's inheritance.

No, do not! Any any decent mother would never ever accept inheritance money from their child.

You only know what your mother has told you the truth could be very different. I agree with a previous poster - bung it in a high interest account and revisit the decision in 12 months time.