Giving my inheritance to my mother?

So according to your culture, if your parents had stayed together then they ‘should’ have bought you a house?

Your mum couldn’t do that because she didn’t get enough marital assets. But, if she had got the money, she’d have given it to you to buy an house. And now you’ve the money to pay off some of your mortgage. So culture is satisfied.

Don’t give her the money, she doesn’t even need it! And do use it to pay the mortgage, otherwise it will all be spent on air fares to visit her….

Keep the 70K and use some of it on therapy to overcome this guilt and obligation you feel towards your mum. It'll be money well spent.

Could be a good idea!

So your mother and stepfather are actually loaded and seemingly quite extravagant and careless with money! Your mother can't have been left too short of money in the divorce if she could afford private education for you. You only have her word for how financially ill treated she was and perhaps your father was the less well off of the two of them. Whatever happened, it was 25 years ago so not your problem. Well it's not a problem at all, as said previously, they are loaded! And in comparison to their wealth your inheritance of £70,000 is a relatively small amount that your father wanted you to have. It is, however, a very useful sum for a young couple with a new baby, starting out on life to have. You should keep it, invest it and have it as a buffer should you need it in the future.

Your mother is stuck between two cultures - the one she’s raised you in and the one she was raised in/relates to/is going back to you. It’s not easy, and she’s trying to embroil you in her issues to help her make sense of it.

Truthfully? As someone who was raised between two cultures: what your mother is hinting/getting at is wicked. She had/has the option of being magnanimous, of not wanting to k flirt on her child the same troubles she’s been through, of cutting the cord, of being mature enough to see you have your own life with your own family, of taking responsibility for her first marriage and its outcome. She can do all of these things whilst also remaining close to her mum and her culture and its values. But instead she’s choosing to do what she’s doing. Think about it.

Someone has to break the chain. Not lengthen it.

Your Mum doesn’t need help now.

You and your DH are at your most expensive stage of life, baby, mortgage, early career salaries

Your Dad left the money to you. Save it / use it sensibly to build your own security, help your Mum IF she ever needs it in the future.

I would be horrified if my young adult Dc gave me their inheritance. And I say that as one of these reputedly greedy complacent ingnorant yada yada boomer generation now living on a small amount over state pension having worked f/t non stop since I left school.

Ot is hard to build security for the current generation, and my decisions as a parent never created an obligation for my Dc. A parents role is to take responsibility for the decisions they took while Dc were minors.

Your Mum is simply a martyr and good at emotional blackmail.

Unfortunately you walked right into that by letting her take any responsibility for your late father’s affairs.

Don’t give her money. It sounds like she has plenty. You have DC to support and earn less than she does.

‘she’s been handling some of the things on my behalf’: don’t do that again, pregnant/with a newborn or not. You’re an adult. If you need help, discuss it with DH.

She too was an adult when she made her past decisions, so is responsible for the consequences.

You’ve gone loopy. It’s a guilt reflex because she has spent years making you feel guilty - guilty because she has done so much for you and you are the child of a man she disliked. She hasn’t, in reality, done more than other parents though, and she’s expecting you to be grateful for things you never asked for that were entirely her choice. She married your dad and had you with him so she doesn’t now get to blame you for “your father”.

Shes talking nonsense about your and your siblings inheritance being “an asset of the marriage”. They must have been divorced a long time if you were just a kid and if he had died without a will his dc would have inherited above his ex wife. If the divorce was unfair it should have been addressed at the time. If she had died first would she be happy for him to inherit? She couldn’t challenge it - nobody would side with an ex wife of a dozen year over children.

She’s not some helpless, poverty ridden, little old lady who sacrificed her comfort in old age to raise an ungrateful dd. She has a career with a good income and pension and, what sounds like, a solvent and kind husband and £1million+ in assets. If she’s anything like my mother she wouldn’t even spend the money particularly, just brag to her friends about how well her dd looks after her compared to their dds.

"If she has ‘my’ money then she can’t play victim"

I find it interesting that you think giving in to her about this will stop her from manipulating you in future. I think it's the opposite, personally. The more you give in, the more she will manipulate you. She won't change. She will always play the victim whether you give her the money or not!

Your mother sounds very manipulative and dysfunctional.
Have a look at the Stately Homes threads and see if any of it resonates.
Also read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward.

I agree with the PP who suggested using some of your inheritance to pay for therapy. And I'd use most of it to pay off a chunk of mortgage, if I were you.

Do not give her a penny. She is financially better off than you! And you have your own family to consider. You are not responsible for her past choices (or any of her choices).

honestly keep it. By all means buy her a holiday as a thank you for helping you. If she ever makes a fuss about it, say you are doing what she did and using the money to give your children the best opportunities in life. Use it to pay off a chunk of mortgage but then set up some savings for your kids with the money you save in interest and paying the mortgage off earlier.

You’re not thinking clearly.

it was her choice to send you to private school, and she clearly had the means to do so. It is not your responsibility to reimburse her.

I have an acquaintance like this. Her children are adults now but she has maintained the line from when they were small about everything she sacrificed to put them through private school and everything they owe her. In reality she sacrificed nothing (it turns out the ex husband and grandparents paid) but those kids are convinced she lived on the poverty line for 25 years for their education. It’s sad to see the control and manipulation she exercises over them.

I don't think giving her £70k (which it sounds like she doesn't need?) will solve the problem anyway. She has an internal narrative about all she's sacrificed etc etc and that's not going to switch off because you give her your inheritance.

She's being deliberately manipulative with all the stuff she's saying so that you will hand over the money.
You mustn't. That is your money and needs to be used to secure your own child's future.
What happened after the divorce has nothing to do with you. You are not responsible for how the assets were divided. She should have fought to get more if she was that fussed about it, not trying to get the money back 25 years later from her own daughter by using manipulation tactics.

I wouldn't give her a penny.

I am not making it about that. She has literally said her mum earns as much as her and her husbands salary combined. She might therefore surely have a reasonable pension and not need the money. You cannot deny that there used to be some very good final salary pensions that are pretty rare now. Many women live in poverty at pension age but is she one of them?

We are going through something similar at the moment. PILs got divorced about 5 years ago and MIL always felt that the divorce wasn't fair, even though she used a solicitor who got her everything she was entitled to. FIL passed away recently so DH has inherited from him and MIL is constantly making digs at him about how it's not fair and it should have been her money

As hard as it is, he just ignores her comments or shuts it down every time she starts because he know it's not his fault. I absolutely wouldn't give it to her. But also, what would your dad have wanted? Wouldn't he have wanted to know that his daughter and grandchildren have benefitted it from it and been able to do something good for their future, rather than it going back to his ex wife?

By the way I helped my DM out to the extent that I practically did everything when my step dad died including the funeral, winding down his business, sorting out probate, I ended up being her carer for a few years. She was already very well off. She inherited thousands from stepdad and kept it all to herself. Her choice.

Nope. Not while you still have debts. Your priority is setting your child and yourselves up.
I think it's a bit of a slap in the face to your dad and his family too. I'm sure he'd prefer one of his other children benefit over his ex wife!

Keep the money.

Put it towards your mortgage pdq as soon as you get it thence you wont be tempted to hand it over cos it’s all gone towards securing the roof over your little family ‘s head.

Does all sound a mad situation with the mansion building etc. It doesn't sound like she needs the money, she's just manipulated you into feeling guilty. Just invest or spend it however is best for your family and don't discuss it with her anymore.

I don't believe we owe our parents for the money they spent on us. They chose to have us, whether to send us to private school etc. It is the natural order that parents do this, I also don't believe my sin will owe me for his upbringing. If we love our parents, we will want to assist them in old age if they need it, and if we can, but we don't financially owe them in my view.

You’re bonkers OP. Your dad would be rolling in his grave. He and your mum have both moved on in their different ways though your mum is left feeling bitter. Keep the money, you will need it one day.

Keep your inheritance