Safeguarding called me today regarding DD4

If my boy whos 8 misbehaves he gets a wack if he does something good he gets rewarded he knows he does and no school is gonna tell me any different I got a few whacks when I was a kid for misbehaving and never did me any harm

If they really did ask "Did Mummy hurt you?" that would be very wrong and they shouldn’t have. But it’s pretty unlikely because one of the most important things school staff are taught in safeguarding training is not to ask leading questions.

I could be wrong of course, but my guess is that they asked her if she had said that to the other child, which isn’t the same thing. But once an adult in school has been told something like that they are obliged to follow it up and to contact you about it (unless they thought that would put your child in danger, which they obviously didn't).

Don’t worry about it. The new school will see that nothing was done about it because there was no evidence of any problem.

DS is significantly speech delayed due to autism, and really clumsy and bruises so easily - we now know this is because of delayed clotting factors but we didn't at the time.

He started school with limited vocabulary, and when he needed a break and was getting flustered and just wanted a time out he would tell the teachers "I want a smack, I need a smack, give me a smack"

They held him back at pick up and I was pulled in where I was given a thorough investigation.

I opened his back pack up and pulled out his crisps and said he is asking for a snack. They took his bag next door and I could hear him saying "yes! A smack! I need a smack!"

My heart was in my arsehole, I wanted to ground to swallow me whole. They soon got the measure of my son when they would try and get him to do something he didn't want to do and he would scream HELP ME! like someone was chasing after him with an axe.

You shouldn’t use leading questions, but are you sure that’s what she was asked? All the teachers and other adults in school I know would not phrase the question in that way.

Exactly - it’s frustrating, it’s aggravating, but it’s a symptom of a school that cares.

Also it’s a bit odd to call a four year old your best mate - that’s kind of messing up
boundary issues for the future - she’s your child who I am sure you love to bits. But you are the parent and everything that comes with that.

There isn't any other way they could've dealt with it really. You have to imagine what it's like for kids who really are getting abused. It's a big positive the school are doing their best to deal with even small concerns.

I know it feels like an insult, but it really isn't.

When DS was nursery age he told everyone at nursery that I’d pushed him over and hurt his elbow. Technically I did, but he’d left out the bit where it occurred as I’d grabbed his hood to stop him running into the road ( not the best way but was the only bit of him I could reach without letting go of the buggy containing DD). All cleared up fairly quickly once they spoke to me, and I’m glad they followed up.

Almost every child in a primary school will have something on their 'file' that could possibly be a safeguarding issue but is probably nothing - coming in with an injury, saying someone hurt them, telling the teacher they didn't have breakfast.
Schools are cautious and document everything.

I would but I'd be polite about it.

Probably say something like: Thank you for looking out for DD and following safeguarding procedures. I am really happy that your staff diligently look out for the wellbeing of their pupils. I would like to highlight a concern though as I was told by you that a member of staff asked my daughter a leading question and wondered if we can discuss this further. Tel no: 07xxxxxxxxx, thank you

Agree not helpful to ask a leading question.
Also a bit silly to follow up with a phone call, how does that identify abuse anyway? Like anyone would admit it if they were doing something wrong

But which is really bothering you OP, the leading question or the fact that someone at the school might think you deliberately hurt your child?

But you absolutely can try and ask a 4 year old ‘can you tell me what happened to your arm’ and see what they say.

Better to do that than say ‘did mummy hurt you’

The safeguarding lead / team calling is often standard practice, as safeguarding concerns will be passed onto them by staff. I have called home on occasion about safeguarding concerns that have been raised, but the safeguarding lead was aware of the situation and it was in had, but I was calling to update parents. Generally though I do not make safeguarding calls.

This is what I was going to say, you shouldn’t ask leading questions.

If there was a genuine case of abuse going on, they’ve now contaminated the evidence.

Yes they should be acting proactively and investigating any allegations but they need to do it in the right way.

it was the type of quest-on not the fact that she was questioned that's the issue

As they heard another child repeat it, I imagine the question was more along the lines of: Samantha said she heard you say that your mummy hurt you - is that true/did she hear correctly?

It’s a shock and not nice to hear, but totally normal. Before safeguarding was a word and I was kid back in the days when dinosaurs walked the earth… I went out on my bike on a Sunday, went right over the handlebars, gave myself two black eyes and knocked out one of my front baby teeth. As well as having some impressive gravel burns and bruising.

I used to walk to Primary School, so no one to drop me off or have a conversation at the school gates. I looked a state on Monday morning. My teacher took me aside and asked me what had happened - so I told her the honest truth.

When my mum came to pick me up at the end of the day (she worked part time so would pick me up on her drive home) there was the teacher and the local policeman waiting to have a word with her! No one believed I could have done that much damage to myself in the way that I had!

My mum listened politely and just reaffirmed what I said. “Arlanymor is a bit of a rough and tumble kid - she throws herself into life a bit too hard sometimes!” She wasn’t annoyed that they asked but she obviously couldn’t prove a negative. And she said to them that she appreciated them caring about me and that we were sorry to worry them. I was more affronted than my mum and said: “I did try to tell them and they didn’t listen!” (And the policeman, who
was the local village Bobby laughed at my outrage!).

I am typing this - at the grand old age of 46 - with a broken thumb (shut it in the car door a month ago) and two broken toes (first one from 1 August dancing with a friend at a disco; second from doing handstands with my goddaughters on 1 September). I still throw myself into life a bit too much!

Anyway, I just told that tale to reinforce the point that safeguarding is all of our business and it’s so important that it is. Also some kids say nutty things and do nutty things - and safeguarders know this too.

It's the teacher who was being unreasonable, by asking a blatantly leading question.

I would have a word with the school if I were you, OP. And get your complaint in writing, so you start a paper trail.

As others have said, direct questions are big no no.
But it is good that they have followed it up, albeit rather clumsily.

If they asked your daughter ‘did mummy hurt you’ then they have failed safeguarding 101 by asking a leading question!! However, if they asked open questions and didn’t put words in her mouth then that is the right way to do it.

Sorry my phone is playing up - I didn’t see your updates. I’m afraid I’d be speaking to the school about this, as this is not the right way to safeguard children. Whilst it is fantastic that the teacher is following up on a concern, they have gone about it the wrong way. Their safeguarding practice is not ok

She's too little to ask her "can you tell me about the discussion you had with X on this day?" Or "I hear you have a sore arm, can you tell me what happened?".

How else could they ask the question they needed to?
What questions would you prefer they asked?

I get it's embarrassing for those who haven't done anything, but better someone be embarrassed than a child hurt.

Don’t be silly, of course they had to ask her,