Treated like I’m not family

I have lost both of my lovely parents. I know that grief. Your husband is being a tosser.

Do you get on with his mum and the rest of the family that would be there OP?

Thinking about my in-laws, who I get on well with (23 years married), I wouldn't have expected to have been be included when my mother-in-law died, other than attending the funeral, and would have felt very awkward seeing her body alongside her three surviving children.

Take a step back at the very least.. Get your ducks in a row and take him for every penny you can.
Wait til he gets any inheritance first....
He's shown his true colours hasn't he?

To be honest, I do actually understand that he/they might just want it to be actual relatives.

Me and DP's family get on fine, as he does with mine, but if things like that happened, unless he or I needed the other for support, I'm pretty sure we'd just want to go on our own.

I don’t find it strange at all but I suppose it depends on your family dynamics.

DH and I had been together about 15 years when my FIL died. Only immediate family went over. It didn’t cross my or DH’s mind that I’d go as well.

I went to the funeral but everything else was very much immediate family only which suited us all just fine.

By the same token I couldn’t imagine DH going over to my parents as and when one of them dies. It would be a bit weird.

There is a hierarchy of connectedness and family.

If I were an unmarried sibling, I’d probably be pissed off if my sister’s husband wanted to be at every family occasion, every event, with our parents.

There are times when family means the small group who have known each other from birth.

If the spouse of a family member started disagreeing on arrangements for the funeral, choice of hymns or whatever, I’d probably rise to the bait. Offer suggestions and support? Absolutely. Expect an equal vote? No sorry.

So there’s a hierarchy. In-laws can potentially come and go. Siblings and parents, less so. You don’t get a whole new set if you split up and remarry.

His father just died. If he didn’t pick his words perfectly, you need to forgive him.

if he is going to be with his mother who just lost her husband, the reality is that you don’t belong there. The group that gathers in the first hours isn’t the whole family or even the whole core family. It will be her children and maybe at a push some grandchildren. She doesn’t need a house full of people.

Aw that's awful.
He isn't treating you well, is he.

My DH and my BiL visited my father at the end and we went back to the hospital as he died as did grown-up DGC.

We are all family

She's a wife of 17 years.

My DH was absolutely there when my DF died, as was my BiL, both of whom had been very close to my dad.

Whilst siblings and remaining parent might want an immediate huddle, which frankly I could totally understand and would facilitate, your husbands need to be so nasty would be my concern.

Have a think OP, because if he has form then you are very silly to be doing wife work.
Its a mugs game.
Drop that rope.
No discussion nor conversation about it.
Just drop it.

I would be rethinking marriage too to someone who spoke like that to me.

Over the years I have had a few friends who were told that by in-laws and each and everyone of them lived to regret it.
The remained polite but never made them so much as a cup of tea again.
Their husbands were very irritated by it as they knew their wives meant business and wouldn't back down.
Your family, you sort out.
As their parents have aged, that has been 100% on the men to sort out, which with only sons has been a headache for them.

Do you do wife work regarding his family? Well don't! Why do you do it in the first place? You aren't related to his Father though are you? His sperm didn't make you and you didn't grow up with him. Having spouses there changes the dynamic. They just want to grieve without putting on a show for you. I don't think I would go if it was my in laws.

When my FIL died I would have done anything that my wife asked me to. We're our own family, but I'm not that family, and never will be.

When my father died my wife would also have done anything, but I needed her far away from the death to look after other things which I couldn't deal with. She missed my father's funeral and whilst it was sad for both of us, it is exactly what was needed at the time.

I mean tbh when my mum died it was just me, my dad and my sister but had dh or dds wanted to be there I would have been fine with it .
I would let it go due to him just lost a parent, I’d be curious if any other in laws went though. And if similar happened again in a different situation I’d definitely address it.

How ridiculous. The man's dad has died, this is not the time to make things about yourself or decide "that's it, he can write his own Christmas cards!"

Support your husband ffs. If he wants it to be his mom and siblings only, that's what should happen. I would do whatever my husband needed, not worry about myself or my position with the in laws.

I’m very fond of my octogenarian PIL. But o Devi iteky don’t consider myself related to them, and I would absolutely understand DH and his siblings wanting to be alone together. I’d probably feel similarly if I lost a parent.

I’d be livid.

Is there any bad history between you and his family?

I can perhaps understand the urge to
revert to immediate family, ie the kids who grew up in that family house, in this instance. But it’s v v odd to take your DD and exclude you, and would be even worse if other relatives were also allowed. Is there a cultural gap?

Take your cue to reassess what you do, and how you’re treated. You know yourself if this was just clumsily worded during grief or if this is reflective of his behaviour.

Do you get on with his family.

Its not about you its about him/them, its weird if you all get on but if there is tension with any of them then its wiser to stay away.

I don't see my in laws as 'MY family' they are my DH family.

I think it depends how many people are going to be there. If there are a few siblings and your Father in laws wife, then maybe it was thought to be inappropriate to have a huge crowd round the bed. I read yesterday that when the Queen died, Kate didn’t go to be beside the Queen at the end, and neither did Princess Anne’s husband. I know we’re talking RF here, and it’s different I guess, but maybe it’s something that’s not uncommon for just immediate family to be at the bedside?

After all these years, getting married, and sharing a child…..you’re not family.

In the stress of things, his mask has dropped.

That’s fine. He can sort out his own “family” from now on. Drop the rope.

Well no doubt your husbands mother ( who married in as isn’t a blood relative) is also not related either?

I am so sorry - that is a dreadful thing for him to say and after 17 years, truly shocking. There is a lot of it on mumsnet too, but to me, family ties are more than about being related by blood. It makes me shudder to hear some of what gets spouted on here about step- relatives, in laws etc. I am so sorry OP, that is awful for you.