Treated like I’m not family

I wouldn’t see myself as on an equal standing with my DH if one of his parents passed away, even though we’ve been married for decades. But I would be deeply hurt if I was told, by him, to stay away from a family gathering to mourn.

When my FiL, who I was very fond of and had always had a good relationship died, I spoke with MiL on the phone and realised she was in shock and suggested to DH he go up and stay with his Mum, 168 miles away, and help her sort out his funeral. He was there almost 2 weeks and I stayed home with teen DC at school Sixth Form and went up at weekend for afternoon on Saturday, slept over, then came back home. Mil welcomed me and thanked me for telling DH to go up to help her. He took2 weeks holiday but I knew she wouldn't manage on her own. They had been married for over 50 years. I went back up with my 2 ds's for his funeral and we all stayed for weekend after funeral. We suggested she might like to come back with us for a week but she said no she'd have to get used to living alone.

I would sit on it for a couple of weeks while they grieve and assess how I felt about the marriage. You don’t have to stay just because he lost his dad- he didn’t have to be a complete dick to you about it.

I won’t be visiting my husband (of 20 years) family when there is a bereavement but that’s because they live in another country and I’ve spent a total of three very awkward days in their company in all that time, and I don’t have their grandchildren.

If you’ve had no inkling until now that you were not part of your DH and FIL’s family that’s…awful and I’d be taking some time to think about my options.

From your last two posts I think your husband is a little resentful of your very close relationship with your in-laws. He didn't want you there getting any thanks for being there every day for his father and mother. He didn't wan't to have you there taking the spotlight off him as the grieving son supporting his mum.

It's good that your MIL knows that you, quite rightly, are a part of her family and wanted you to be included.

I wouldn’t want my husband there if I was grieving the loss of a parent with my siblings. Of course he’s not ‘family’ in that way.

That doesn’t mean I hate him, or take him for granted, or think less of him or anything - he’s just literally not my sibling, or a person I grew up with. In the first moments of loss and shock, I want to share my grief with people who have the same history.

Ah that's good! Do you think your husband's response was just due to the shock of the moment or is that's what he genuinely thinks? My DM had comments like that from my dad's family after they had been married for something like 50 years. She was also very upset.

This is how I feel too.

I'm glad.

Like you, my in-laws were more family to me than my own. I adored my mum in law and she loved me too.

I was there when my father in law was dying, and was my sister in law's main source of support, as well as generally being of practical support to everyone. I can't imagine my DH telling me I didn't belong there.

I do get that family dynamics aren't all the same though.

Well it sounds like she really values you. It's a hurtful thing to hear from your DH but people say and do strange things in grief. I would put it down to that and focus on your MIL's loving reaction.

It's obviously a very stressful time though. When my mother died, my DH said some insensitive things which took me a long time to forget.

And what about what your siblings want? Or do they not get a voice over yours?

Sounds like MIL knows who did all the work, but Mr Devoted Son wants all the glory. Good for MIL, stick with what she says and what she wants.

That said, Devoted Son will get angry that everyone sees who was actually devoted so be ready for his anger.

I have been the one driving father in law to hospital appointments and getting shopping for them as well as checking in with them daily to see how they are.

That makes it even worse what he said, grief or not. He owes you an apology.

I’m so sorry op. Can you explain how hurt you feel to your husband?

His father has just died. Right now he’s probably grieving and focusing on supporting his mum. You don’t need to make things more difficult by trying to make this about you. Perhaps that’s linked to why you aren’t wanted right now.

My in laws put getting to their caravan on time above stopping with me and my tiny DD. It was the final straw.

I took a step back. MILs retirement looks more lonely. They don’t get the frequent pictures or updates they used to. I don’t invite them round or go out of my way for them.
it’s all on DP.

They have yet to realise that their relationship with DD will be significantly restricted if they don’t have a relationship with her parents.

Time to reconsider that, surely?

What a prat.
17 years married, you’re not welcome but teen dd is?
sod that shit.

my reaction and what I do in the coming days would depend on my relationship with my mil/how much I liked:cared for/respected her and FIL.

None of my OHs family have ever really seen me as family.

Been barred from 'family only' funerals. I fiynd rhis upsetting at the time. We've been together over 27 years. But my family would absolutely count him as family.

Now, I accept it's just how it is; some families are odd on this stuff.

I completely empathise with you. My mum cared for my dad’s mum when she got very sick. I can only imagine wanting to be there for my partner and child if my partner’s parents passed. I think you’re totes reasonable. Agree with others though now not the time. But it is very odd

Wow

This and people can say things in a clumsy way in times of stress